Dean Pelton: Mr. Winger, did you happen to hear my announcement?
Jeff: I hang on every word.
Dean Pelton: I'm going to assume that's sarcasm.
Jeff: Correct.
Dean Pelton: So you didn't hear my announcement?
Jeff: I'm barely listening now.

Dean Pelton: Now, are those the high heel boots he was talking about?
Britta: Yes.
Dean Pelton: Are they comfortable?
Britta: Yeah.
Dean Pelton: I'm just curious, they're cute.
. . .
Dean Pelton: Well, it certainly sounds to me that this young lady's only crime is being a hero and wanting to be taller.

Dean: Jeffrey, I am the least racist person in the world. My best friend, when I was six years old, was a black man!

Dr. Duncan: Listen, I wanted to ask you about that young lady in your Spanish class. You know, the blonde, with the pouty, strident, Cate Blanchett sexuality, and the ridiculous name.
Jeff: Britta.
Dr. Duncan: That's it. Can you imagine living with that? Can you imagine? Unbelievable. Anyway, um, are you two an item, and if so, would that item be impervious to sabotage?
Jeff: You know, you have the savoir faire of a hyena. How is that that you and James Bond come from the same island?
Dr. Duncan: Message received. I'll just wait for you to finish striking out first.
Jeff: Cheers.
Abed: M*A*S*H.
Dr. Duncan: Fawlty Towers. Game over. Have a nice day.

Duncan: (to Jeff) I still cannot figure out how you got a jury to connect September the 11th with my DUI, let alone why that helped.

Duncan: I'm a professor. You can't talk to me that way!
Jeff: A six-year-old girl could talk to you that way!
Duncan: Yes, because that would be adorable!
Jeff: No, because you're a five-year-old girl and there's a pecking order!

Duncan: Okay, I'm sorry. Do you mind if we have this conversation in a room with less balls? [To showering man] You're very confident, I'll say that.
Chang: But you shouldn't be.

Duncan: The Duncan Principle is simple. Namely, the more control lost by the... [students begin writing] Yeah, I'm going to write this down too, actually.

Jeff: [about Britta] Well, you know, she's no barrel of monkeys. She wants everyone to be honest, but she lies to herself. She's seen the world, but doesn't get it. She has more fights about stuff that doesn't matter than a YouTube comment section. She's passionate, which I find stupid, but entertaining.

Jeff: [after losing his condo] This condo is all that's left of me. Every part of it is a part of who I am.
Britta: Is that a bidet?
Jeff: That part's for resale value... and Saturday afternoons.

Jeff: [sobbing] I hate Glee.
Pierce: I'm not crazy about Glee either.
Jeff: I hate it! I don't understand the appeal at all.

Jeff: [To Professor Slater] Please sleep with me. Please. Pretty please. I'm so lonely. I haven't slept with anyone in a very long time and you are so good looking. Please do me the favor of having sex with me.

Jeff: Abed, what's the deal with the hot girl from Spanish class? I can't find a road in there.
Abed: Well, I only talked to her once when she was borrowing a pencil, but... her name is Britta, she's twenty-eight, birthday in October, she has two older brothers, and one of them works with children who have a disorder I might want to look up. Oh, and she thinks she's going to flunk tomorrow's test, so she really needs to focus, and she's sorry if that makes her seem cold.
Jeff: Holy crap. Abed, I see your value now.
Abed: That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.

Jeff: Annie said that Benjamin Button was compelling. Look, she's a smart girl, but sometimes she's just wrong!

Jeff: Are you going to take the class?
Abed: Oh, can't. My dad will only pay for classes that will help me run the family restaurant. It's been struggling since 2001. 9/11 was pretty much the 9/11 of the falafel business.