Britta: Wait, so... so, this is a game to you? You put human beings into a state of emotional shambles for a shot at getting in my pants?
Jeff: Why can't you see that for the compliment that it is?

Duncan: I'm a professor. You can't talk to me that way!
Jeff: A six-year-old girl could talk to you that way!
Duncan: Yes, because that would be adorable!
Jeff: No, because you're a five-year-old girl and there's a pecking order!

Jeff: I discovered at a very early age that if I talked for long enough, I could make anything right or wrong. So, either, I'm God or truth is relative. Either way, booyah.

Jeff: Abed, what's the deal with the hot girl from Spanish class? I can't find a road in there.
Abed: Well, I only talked to her once when she was borrowing a pencil, but... her name is Britta, she's twenty-eight, birthday in October, she has two older brothers, and one of them works with children who have a disorder I might want to look up. Oh, and she thinks she's going to flunk tomorrow's test, so she really needs to focus, and she's sorry if that makes her seem cold.
Jeff: Holy crap. Abed, I see your value now.
Abed: That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.

Duncan: (to Jeff) I still cannot figure out how you got a jury to connect September the 11th with my DUI, let alone why that helped.

Jeff: Uh, I am in a bit of a jam. The state Bar has suspended my license. They found out my college degree was less than legitimate.
Duncan: I thought you had a Bachelor's from Columbia?
Jeff: And now I have to get one from America.

Jeff: It shouldn't be too hard to fake a study group, right?
Lunch Lady: Huh?
Jeff: Oh, jeez, I'm sorry. I was raised on TV, and I was conditioned to believe that every black woman over fifty is a cosmic mentor.
Lunch Lady: Were you conditioned to pay for your damn tacos, Seinfield?

Britta: You may have noticed this morning, not so good at the small talk.
Jeff: Yeah, I like big talk. What's your deal?
Britta: That's not small talk?
Jeff: What's your deal, and is God dead?

Annie: I'd like to know why I had to find out about this group on accident.
Abed: Oh, this is getting way more like Breakfast Club now.
Pierce: There's breakfast?

Shirley: You have been sexually harassing me since the very first day of class.
Pierce: Sexually harassing? That makes no sense to me. Why would I harass someone who turns me on?

Jeff: You know what makes humans different from other animals?
Troy: Feet!
Pierce: No, no, no, come on. Bears have feet.

Jeff: People can connect with anything. We can sympathize with a pencil, we can forgive a shark, and we can give Ben Affleck an Academy Award for screenwriting.

Abed: You know, I thought you were like Bill Murray in any of his films, but you're more like Micheal Douglas in any of his films.
Jeff: Yeah, well you have Asperger's.
Troy: (laughing) Ass burgers!

Pierce: You know, I've been divorced seven times. Sometimes I think I'm doing something wrong.
Jeff: You keep getting married.
Pierce: I never looked at it that way.

Pierce: Of course, it didn't help any that I can't have children. I'm not sterile; in fact, it's a rare condition called hyper-virility. Apparently my sperm shoot through the egg like bullets. Can you believe that?
Jeff: I can't. But you can, so that's fine.