Pierce: Dean, I'm going to get some more coffee. You want anything?
Dean Pelton: Oh, yeah. A Desmond Tutu, with just enough cream to make it a Lou Diamond Phillips.
Pierce: A La Bamba, got it.

Abed: It's really great to have someone to watch stuff with. My dad never wanted to watch anything, so I was kind of raised by TV.
Jeff: TV's the best dad there is. TV never came home drunk, TV never forgot me at the zoo, TV never abused and insulted me. Unless you count Cop Rock.
Abed: Cop Rock. Sounds cool.
Jeff: Doesn't it?
Britta: Wow, you guys are really dorming it up in here, huh?
Jeff: Yeah, in the last two days, I've spent a quarter.
Abed: We're having the time of our lives.
Britta: See, who needs platinum faucets? Do you guys even have faucets in here?
Jeff: There's a communal bathroom down the hallway. It actually helped me come to terms with losing my condo. You don't sit on a toilet like that until you've left the material world behind.

Britta: You may have noticed this morning, not so good at the small talk.
Jeff: Yeah, I like big talk. What's your deal?
Britta: That's not small talk?
Jeff: What's your deal, and is God dead?

Annie: [Singing like Betty Boop] Teach me how to understand Christmas
Show me how to open a box
It hurts my little head
When I'm lying in my bed
With visions of sugarplum... socks?
Jeff: [Confused] Is this a bit?
Annie: Teach me how to understand Christmas
Do I trim the tree or the deer?
I can't keep it straight
And now it's getting late
Where does the stocking go? [Puts it on her head] Here? I can't see!
What's a Christmas Eve, is that Santa's lady?
Are snowmen cold or hot?
Won't you be my daddy?
I'm a silly Christmas baby!
Tell me what to deck, 'cause I forgot!
Jeff: Annie�
Annie: Bwain hurty understandy Chwsitmas
Mistletoe for eaty, taste good?
You smarty, me dumb; help pwetty have fun!
Boopy doopy boop doop SEX!
Jeff: Look, eventually you hit a point of diminishing returns on the sexiness.
Annie: What's a diminimuhmm... [Devolves into babbling]

Jeff: How are you so satisified all the time, Abed? I mean, don't you ever want anything more out of life than cereal?
Abed: [thinking] Sometimes, I like to pour hot cocoa mix into cold milk, and drink it like a cold hot chocolate. I call it Special Drink.
Jeff: And someday, you will know it by it's true name: diabetes.
Abed: You're Goldie Hawn, Jeff.
Jeff: I'm sorry?
Abed: You're Goldie Hawn.
Jeff: Is it the lips?
Abed: No. In Overboard, she was just like you. Wealthy, assertive, arrogant, got manicures all the time. But then she fell off her boat, and it was a good thing for her, because, ultimately, she realized she was happier being poor and raising four unruly boys with Kurt Russell.
Jeff: Can I not be Kurt Russell in this scenario?
Abed: You can do whatever you want, you just have to know what that is. For me, it's Lucky Charms and TV.
[Abed and Jeff are watching The Jeffersons and eating cereal in their pajamas]

Annie: It's not like I'm seeing anyone. There's just a guy...
Abed: A guy that goes to Greendale? Is it the Russian guy that looks like a short Johnny Depp?
Annie: It doesn't matter.
Troy: Is it the guy who looks a little like Vince Vaughn but smells a lot like fish?
. . .
Abed: Is it the guy who looks like Anderson Cooper but with the soul patch and the ponytail?
Annie: No.
Troy: Is it Black Michael Chiklis?
Annie: No.
Pierce: The white George Foreman?
Britta: You guys are talking about the same person: he's biracial, his name is David, and he's a human being.
. . .
Troy: Is it Fat Neil?
Abed: Bluestreak?
Pierce: Optimus Prime?
Annie: Okay, even I know some of these are Transformers.
. . .
Jeff: Is it Jean-Claude Van Overbite?
Abed: We should really start learning people's names.
Jeff: I agree with brown Jamie Lee Curtis.

Britta: [looking in notebook] Abed, why is my name in here?
Abed: That's mine.
Britta: And Shirley's and Annie's?
Annie: What is it?
Britta: Charts. Some kind of calendar?
Abed: That's my personal private business.
Britta: [reading] "Annie: 4 on, 28 off, next, November 10th. Britta: 5 on, 27 off..." Oh, my God, are you charting our menstrual cycles?
Annie: What?! Gross!
Shirley: Abed, this is so personal! And so accurate.
Annie: Abed, this is really creepy. I don't understand why you would do this.
Abed: I can explain. [Pause] Oh, I thought you'd keep yelling over me. Okay, I can explain. You know I have trouble reading people, and I say the wrong things, sometimes, and I noticed it was happening more often with you three than it was with the others. And then I noticed fluctuating patterns, and I started graphing them, and by the time I realized what I was actually measuring, it had started to yield really positive results for everybody, so I kept doing it.
. . .
Abed: Okay, if I could just take this time to share a few words of sarcasm with whoever it is that took this pen. I want to say thank you for doing this to me. For a while I thought I'd had to suffer through a puppy parade, but I much prefer being entombed alive in a mausoleum of feelings I can neither understand nor reciprocate. So whoever you are, can I get you anything? Ice cream? Best friend medal? Anything? Mmm-mmmm? Okay, sarcasm over.

Professor Professorson: This, Annie, is night school. Every student, every teacher, every class: Figments! Like puffs of hot air from the lips of a ghost in the shadow of a unicorn's dream.

Pierce: Of course, it didn't help any that I can't have children. I'm not sterile; in fact, it's a rare condition called hyper-virility. Apparently my sperm shoot through the egg like bullets. Can you believe that?
Jeff: I can't. But you can, so that's fine.

Study Group: [Singing] To you!
Pierce: That was weird, how come we only sang the last two words? What happened to the happy birthday part?
Shirley: You know Troy's a Jehovah's Witness, he doesn't celebrate birthdays.
Abed: Annie and I did our best to keep the language on the cake compliant.
Troy: [Reading the message written on his birthday cake] Hello during a random dessert, the month and day of which coincide numerically with your expulsion from a uterus.

Pierce: You know, I've been divorced seven times. Sometimes I think I'm doing something wrong.
Jeff: You keep getting married.
Pierce: I never looked at it that way.

Britta: I can excuse racism, but I draw the line on animal cruelty.
Shirley: You can excuse racism?

Annie: How much effort do I rate?
Jeff: For you, I'd break a light sweat.
Annie: Good. I need a favor. Help Pierce with his step daughter?
Jeff: You're becoming dangerous Annie, it's those doe eyes. Disappointing you is like choking the little mermaid with a bike chain

Abed: Another muffin basket, from another actress who wants to be in my next film.
Jeff: Does that work?
Abed: Yep. Meryl Streep has two Oscars because of her baking. Ah, that's sarcasm, but I forgot to inflect. This sounds way more like sarcasm. Inflection is so interesting.

Abed: Mariah, my name is Abed Nadir. [indicating Troy] My associate, Troy Barnes.
Troy: Charmed, I'm sure.
Mariah: Are you the guys who keep staring at me and intermittently yelling out "books"?
Troy: The very same. We're both interested in taking you to the Valentine's dance, but we are also best friends with each other.
Abed: It is of the utmost importance we protect that friendship from the stresses of courting you, so we're trying to be as direct and above-board about this as possible.
Troy: Will you go to the dance with one of us, and if so, which one?
Mariah: We need to get something straight first: this is the cutest thing that's ever happened to me. [Abed and Troy high-five each other without taking their eyes off Mariah] But I don't know either one of you.
Abed: Give us a moment. [he and Troy confer in whispers] New proposal: get to know us at the dance and decide there which of us you'd like to see again.
Mariah: Okay, deal.
Abed: Yesss.
Mariah: [indicating what Troy is carrying] What's in the briefcase?
Troy: Oh, tacos. You want one?
Mariah: No.
Troy: Great, we really wanted them.
Abed: Yeah, we're gonna eat them.