Community quotes

200 total quotes



All Seasons
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Pierce: Dean, I'm going to get some more coffee. You want anything?
Dean Pelton: Oh, yeah. A Desmond Tutu, with just enough cream to make it a Lou Diamond Phillips.
Pierce: A La Bamba, got it.

Britta: You may have noticed this morning, not so good at the small talk.
Jeff: Yeah, I like big talk. What's your deal?
Britta: That's not small talk?
Jeff: What's your deal, and is God dead?

Jeff: How are you so satisified all the time, Abed? I mean, don't you ever want anything more out of life than cereal?
Abed: [thinking] Sometimes, I like to pour hot cocoa mix into cold milk, and drink it like a cold hot chocolate. I call it Special Drink.
Jeff: And someday, you will know it by it's true name: diabetes.
Abed: You're Goldie Hawn, Jeff.
Jeff: I'm sorry?
Abed: You're Goldie Hawn.
Jeff: Is it the lips?
Abed: No. In Overboard, she was just like you. Wealthy, assertive, arrogant, got manicures all the time. But then she fell off her boat, and it was a good thing for her, because, ultimately, she realized she was happier being poor and raising four unruly boys with Kurt Russell.
Jeff: Can I not be Kurt Russell in this scenario?
Abed: You can do whatever you want, you just have to know what that is. For me, it's Lucky Charms and TV.
[Abed and Jeff are watching The Jeffersons and eating cereal in their pajamas]

Britta: [looking in notebook] Abed, why is my name in here?
Abed: That's mine.
Britta: And Shirley's and Annie's?
Annie: What is it?
Britta: Charts. Some kind of calendar?
Abed: That's my personal private business.
Britta: [reading] "Annie: 4 on, 28 off, next, November 10th. Britta: 5 on, 27 off..." Oh, my God, are you charting our menstrual cycles?
Annie: What?! Gross!
Shirley: Abed, this is so personal! And so accurate.
Annie: Abed, this is really creepy. I don't understand why you would do this.
Abed: I can explain. [Pause] Oh, I thought you'd keep yelling over me. Okay, I can explain. You know I have trouble reading people, and I say the wrong things, sometimes, and I noticed it was happening more often with you three than it was with the others. And then I noticed fluctuating patterns, and I started graphing them, and by the time I realized what I was actually measuring, it had started to yield really positive results for everybody, so I kept doing it.
. . .
Abed: Okay, if I could just take this time to share a few words of sarcasm with whoever it is that took this pen. I want to say thank you for doing this to me. For a while I thought I'd had to suffer through a puppy parade, but I much prefer being entombed alive in a mausoleum of feelings I can neither understand nor reciprocate. So whoever you are, can I get you anything? Ice cream? Best friend medal? Anything? Mmm-mmmm? Okay, sarcasm over.

Annie: It's not like I'm seeing anyone. There's just a guy...
Abed: A guy that goes to Greendale? Is it the Russian guy that looks like a short Johnny Depp?
Annie: It doesn't matter.
Troy: Is it the guy who looks a little like Vince Vaughn but smells a lot like fish?
. . .
Abed: Is it the guy who looks like Anderson Cooper but with the soul patch and the ponytail?
Annie: No.
Troy: Is it Black Michael Chiklis?
Annie: No.
Pierce: The white George Foreman?
Britta: You guys are talking about the same person: he's biracial, his name is David, and he's a human being.
. . .
Troy: Is it Fat Neil?
Abed: Bluestreak?
Pierce: Optimus Prime?
Annie: Okay, even I know some of these are Transformers.
. . .
Jeff: Is it Jean-Claude Van Overbite?
Abed: We should really start learning people's names.
Jeff: I agree with brown Jamie Lee Curtis.

Pierce: Of course, it didn't help any that I can't have children. I'm not sterile; in fact, it's a rare condition called hyper-virility. Apparently my sperm shoot through the egg like bullets. Can you believe that?
Jeff: I can't. But you can, so that's fine.

Britta: I can excuse racism, but I draw the line on animal cruelty.
Shirley: You can excuse racism?

Abed: It's really great to have someone to watch stuff with. My dad never wanted to watch anything, so I was kind of raised by TV.
Jeff: TV's the best dad there is. TV never came home drunk, TV never forgot me at the zoo, TV never abused and insulted me. Unless you count Cop Rock.
Abed: Cop Rock. Sounds cool.
Jeff: Doesn't it?
Britta: Wow, you guys are really dorming it up in here, huh?
Jeff: Yeah, in the last two days, I've spent a quarter.
Abed: We're having the time of our lives.
Britta: See, who needs platinum faucets? Do you guys even have faucets in here?
Jeff: There's a communal bathroom down the hallway. It actually helped me come to terms with losing my condo. You don't sit on a toilet like that until you've left the material world behind.

Annie: [Singing like Betty Boop] Teach me how to understand Christmas
Show me how to open a box
It hurts my little head
When I'm lying in my bed
With visions of sugarplum... socks?
Jeff: [Confused] Is this a bit?
Annie: Teach me how to understand Christmas
Do I trim the tree or the deer?
I can't keep it straight
And now it's getting late
Where does the stocking go? [Puts it on her head] Here? I can't see!
What's a Christmas Eve, is that Santa's lady?
Are snowmen cold or hot?
Won't you be my daddy?
I'm a silly Christmas baby!
Tell me what to deck, 'cause I forgot!
Jeff: Annieâ€
Annie: Bwain hurty understandy Chwsitmas
Mistletoe for eaty, taste good?
You smarty, me dumb; help pwetty have fun!
Boopy doopy boop doop SEX!
Jeff: Look, eventually you hit a point of diminishing returns on the sexiness.
Annie: What's a diminimuhmm... [Devolves into babbling]

Abed: [about the new space simulator] Once we clean it, can we go inside?
Dean Pelton: No. That is a job for some upstanding students, who are training right now in the simulator simulator.
Leonard: [sitting in a cardboard box] Great job on this. Hard to believe I'm not really not really in space.

Abed: Another muffin basket, from another actress who wants to be in my next film.
Jeff: Does that work?
Abed: Yep. Meryl Streep has two Oscars because of her baking. Ah, that's sarcasm, but I forgot to inflect. This sounds way more like sarcasm. Inflection is so interesting.

Abed: Here we are, a log cabin I rented so we could be intimate in safety because it's not the fifties so we don't have to park our car and neck at expression point.
Britta: That makes sense, I'm turned on by how logical you are.

Abed: [commenting on Jeff and Britta's argument] Will they or won't they? Sexual tension.
Jeff: Abed, it makes the group uncomfortable when you talk about us like we're characters in a show you're watching.
Abed: Well, that's sort of my gimmick, but we did lean on that pretty hard last week. I can lay low for an episode.

Abed: [opens a Christmas gift marked "Meaning of Christmas"] It's the first season of Lost on DVD.
Pierce: That's the meaning of Christmas?
Abed: No. It's a metaphor. It represents lack of pay-off.
. . .
Abed: I get it. The meaning of Christmas is the idea that Christmas has meaning. And it can be whatever we want. For me, it used to mean being with my mom. Now it means being with you guys. Thanks, Lost.

Annie: How much effort do I rate?
Jeff: For you, I'd break a light sweat.
Annie: Good. I need a favor. Help Pierce with his step daughter?
Jeff: You're becoming dangerous Annie, it's those doe eyes. Disappointing you is like choking the little mermaid with a bike chain