Real Time With Bill Maher quotes

If you think Democrats are going to take away your Bible, you're an idiot. If you think they are going to take away your gun, you're an armed idiot. If you think they're going to take away your gun and give it to a Mexican to kill your God, you're Bill O'Reilly.

You know who's bitter in America? I am, because shit-kickers voted twice for a retarded guy they wanted to have a beer with and everybody else had to suffer the consequences.

I think they need to move the date of Earth Day because anybody who cares about the earth is still high from 4/20.

Now, of course, there's the oft-heard refrain that she's behind in states, behind in the popular vote, and behind in the delegate count. But, I don't buy that, because I'm an American, damn it! And if there are three things I don't believe in, it's quitting and math.

Now, take a look at these pictures. Here are the CEO's of Fannie Mae, Freddie Mac, AIG and the Lehman Brothers. I know the first thing that jumps out about these faces is they all happen to be white, and they all happen to be responsible for stealing. But, what you have to understand is that these whites are a product of a society that made them that way. It was the neighborhoods and the schools they went to: Harvard, Yale, the Wharton School of Business. They never learned the value of doing real, actual work. And the first step to fixing that is better role models so kids growing up white today don't think the only way out of Westchester is corporate crime. Or a government handout. Or sailing.

She takes the Old Testament literally, too. And in that one, God is an insecure, rage-filled hybrid of Bobby Knight and Suge Knight. He's been alive forever and he has anger issues. He's like John McCain if McCain could fart hail. He's pro-slavery, pro-polygamy, and homophobic, and he'll kill you for masturbating. More people get stoned in the Old Testament than in my Jacuzzi....If there was a video of Barack Obama standing in front of his congregation being healed by a black witch doctor, this election would be over. But there is that video of Sarah Palin. So, ask your witch doctor if exorcism is right for you. And I don't say "witch doctor" because he's black. I say it because when you're rebuking witches, you're a witch doctor. Witch doctor, folks! This is our country. We've got to get it back from the forces of organized superstition!

And if there is such a thing as karma, let's hope that Sarah Palin comes back as a wolf being shot at from a plane.

How is it that in the information age, it's almost impossible to get actual information to the public? That Barack Obama is a Christian, not a Muslim. It's not an opinion, or a controversy. It's an easily verifiable fact. But in the darkness of ignorance there are no facts anymore. Evolution is just a theory. Global warming needs more study. Saddam might have been behind 9/11 and the surge is working! What can't you convince people of just by saying it? John McCain is a cyborg. He's a cyborg made from the spare parts of Freddie Mercury and the stem cells of aborted fetuses. There. I said it. It's true. And you know its true because when I wrote it on the Internet I didn't add 'LOL.' You know, it used to be kind of forgivable to not know anything. Maybe you went to high school in America. Or you watch alot of reality TV. Or you're a Baptist. But, now there's the Internet. And Google. Information is everywhere. You know that computer thing that the Nigerians keep using to get your PIN number? You can also use it to find out stuff! If you think Obama is a Muslim or John McCain has an illegitimate black baby or Obama is that baby ... That's not an opinion. You're just stubbornly uninformed. So let me spell a few things out for you. Is Obama a Muslim? No. He. Isn't. Was Saddam behind September 11th? No. He. Wasn't. And while we're at it: Neither. Was. Bush. How do we know Bush wasn't behind September 11th? Because it worked. AND, it involved: PLANNING.

New Rule: When you say you're not comparing someone to Hitler, you're comparing them to Hitler. This week, a Georgia congressman said, "I'm not comparing Obama to Adolf Hitler. What I'm saying is there's the potential of going down that road." Well, Congressman, I'm not comparing your head to a butt-plug, but it does seem to spend a lot of time up your ass.

New Rule: Bacon, egg, and cheese between two waffles isn't breakfast, it's a suicide attempt. This is Dunkin' Donuts' new waffle sandwich. You could wait in line for yours or, if you're in a hurry, just snatch the pistol from the cop sitting at the counter and shoot yourself in the head.

Since viruses like swine flu get to be potentially deadly because they evolved, if you don't believe in evolution and you get it, you have to pray it away. You can't crap all over Darwin, and stem cell research and global warming, and then come crawling back to science when you want Tamiflu. That's for us sinners....Folks, there is a lot that is not yet known about this swine flu, but there is one thing we do know: the process that brought us the new flu is called evolution. It's not rocket science, but it is science. A virus is Darwinian behavior we can see happening in real time. We can see that it jumps on a host, procreates until the host is exhausted, and then jumps on something new. Like Mel Gibson.

If conservatives get to call universal healthcare "socialized medicine", I get to call private, for-profit healthcare "soul-less vampire bastards making money off human pain."

If you look at any cult, whether it be the Hale-Bopp comet people, Scientologists, or Oprah's Book Club, you'll find several common elements, the primary one being cult members are taught to quickly withdraw into the group and distrust the outside world. Teabaggers distrust everything. They think people are coming for their guns and they shouldn't pay taxes. They're like Wesley Snipes crossed with a fat old white guy who runs a landfill. Folks, no one is coming for your guns, your Bibles, or your fishing poles. And that's not a monster under your bed, it's the Ab-Lounger you bought last year and never use. Cults are also always driven by some ridiculous, unattainable goal, like a fiery apocalypse ringing in paradise, or deficit reduction by way of giant tax cuts. You know someone has fallen into a cult if you see these signs: 1) Cults have their own vocabulary. Now I don't speak shit-kicker, but I know in their world "freedom" means guns, "diplomacy" means weakness, "elitist" means reader, and "socialist" means black; 2) Cults tend to populate from within, encouraging members to have huge broods of children and to give them strange names like Moonbeam and Trig; and 3) Cult members always attribute all their problems to one simple explanation. [shows poster of Obama with Hitler mustache]

Here's an amazing statistic. In a recent poll, 90% of Teabaggers said that they thought taxes had either gone up or stayed the same under Obama. Only 2% thought they went down. But the reality is taxes have gone down. For 95% of working families taxes went down. Think about that – Only two percent of people in a movement about taxes, named after a tax revolt, have the slightest idea what's going on with taxes.

The "life sucks and then you die" philosophy was useful when Buddha came up with it around 500 B.C. because, back then, life sucked and then you died. But now we have medicine, and Pinkberry, and Tivo...Our life isn't all about suffering anymore.