James Lester quotes from Primeval

Helen

Presumably there are still laws against kidnapping?

Lester

Hmm. Though officially you're dead. We can't have kidnapped someone who doesn't actually exist, can we?

Helen

You have a serious creature incursion. A highly-evolved ambush predator. Intelligent, adaptable, and ruthless.

Claudia

If there was a creature on the loose, we'd know about it!

Helen

At least three people have gone missing in the last 48 hours.

Lester

Missing.

Helen

Killed. The creature has a lair nearby. It's taken them for food.

Nick

And how do you know that?

Helen

Because it almost got me too. [pause]

Nick

What is it?

Helen

It has no name.

Nick

Then which era is it from?

Helen

It doesn't come from any era... at least not one that can be identified yet.

Nick

I'm sorry; I don't understand.

Helen

Yes, you do, Nick. You knew it had to happen one day. You've known it ever since you first stepped into the past.

Nick

...The future? Are you saying we're being attacked by a creature from the future?

Lester

Do you think I should make a speech; one small step for man, that sort of thing?

Claudia

Maybe another time. [kisses Nick]

Lester

That wasn't very professional.

Claudia

Oh, stuff professionalism.

Lester

Cutter’s always been eccentric, but I’m beginning to think he’s just plain deranged.

Well, I suppose all very brilliant men are a little bit unusual, sir.

Lester

I’m brilliant, Leek, and I’m not the least bit unusual.

Lester

You know what, Leek? I think this area could benefit from a government redevelopment grant. We'll start off by sealing the anomaly site with a few hundred tons of concrete; that should do the job.

Shall I... speak to the contractors?

Lester

Oh, there's no need. I'll just get a shovel and a cement-mixer and do it myself. Of course you should call the contractors, you idiot!

Lester

Give me some good news!

Nick

We still haven't found the boy.

Lester

No, that's bad news. Good news makes people happy. Keep trying!

Nick

We found the shark.

Lester

Now you’re getting the hang of it. So then… problem solved!

Lester

Daphne and...Scrappy will have to take charge of the anomaly operation.

Connor

You mean us?

Lester

Unfortunately, yes. God help us.

Lester

My worst nightmare in one sentence.

Jenny

[just coming off phone] Mammoth on the M25!

Nick

Columbian mammoth!

Lester

The flavour is immaterial!

Actually sir, the Columbian is a hairless species—

Lester

I don't care if it's shaved its legs and gotten a bikini wax, it's on a motorway in broad daylight!

Sir James Lester

[as Abby feeds a captured Columbian mammoth fruit from outside its enclosure] Don't get attached; you can't keep him.

Abby Maitland

Did you know that a Columbian mammoth's trunk is five times more dexterous than an elephant's?

Lester

Why is everyone telling me facts about mammoths today? Do I look like I'm interested? Still, his tusks might be worth a bit.

Abby

[disgusted] You wouldn't.

Lester

Ugh. Have a chat with him about personal hygiene, would you?

[Appearing on the A.D.D's monitors] You're on your own, James. There's no one there but you.

Lester

Leek? What the hell are you doing?

Now, I want you to feel what it's like to be on the wrong end of your grand disdain. The little man looking up at the big boss.

Lester

Security! I want security in here now!

They've all gone, James. Either off on Cutter's wild goose chase, or dead. Now...

I'm going to hunt you.

Lester

Leek, you're never going to make me beg for my life, so let's just end it now.

All right, if you insist.

Goodbye, James.

Lester

One more thing.

Yes?

Lester

You really are a tiresome little man.

Lester

Good boy. Good mammoth.

Lester

You've had your chance to surrender, Leek.

I still have twelve creatures out there. One command from me, and there'll be absolute chaos.

Lester

Oh, Cutter didn't tell you? That clever little virus of his sent us the contents of your hard disk. We've got names, locations, all sorts of useful stuff. We're just mopping up the last of your menagerie now. Oh, and Jenny just phoned. You have... oh, just a few minutes before we join you. Now if you don't mind, I think there's some snooker on the other channel. [Cutter and the ARC staff snigger]

[furious] Have you ever seen a man torn in half on live TV, Lester!? Call a halt to your men, or I shall order the creatures to dismantle Professor Cutter, joint by joint!

Lester

[coldly] The government does not negotiate with terrorists!

30 seconds, then they kill him! Your choice!

Nick

James, don't do it, I'm not important!

Ten! Nine! Eight...

Lester

Unfortunately, I agree with Professor Cutter. No individual's life is worth greater than the safety of the public...

[boredly] Seven! Six! Five! Four! Three! Two-!

Lester

[emotionlessly] Switch that off, will you?

Jenny

James, we've got a problem.

Lester

So have I - it's called Christine Johnson. Think "Velociraptor," only better-dressed.

Jenny

James, a creature has escaped through the anomaly.

Lester

What is it?

Jenny

We don't know.

Lester

Well, can't you look its picture up in your big book of dinosaurs?

Jenny

Cutter's tracking it now. We have the anomaly site secured, but there's something else. There was an eyewitness - a young woman in the museum.

Lester

Well, you know, have her shot and dispose of her body discreetly. [exits office] Just kidding.

Lester

[consulting Sarah Page's file] PhD in Egyptology, veteran of archaeological digs in every corner of the Middle East, and now you're giving lectures to school kids at the Museum. How'd that happen?

Sarah

Just not very good at taking orders.

Lester

Well in that case, you should fit in like a house on fire! Doctor Page, you cannot talk about anything you saw today, is that clear? Or should I have you arrested for your own safety?

Sarah

Is he always like that?

Connor

By his standards, he was being polite.

Lester

How did you get in?

Danny

Jumped the perimeter fence and kicked in a fire door. It was easy.

Lester

...What the hell are you doing here?

Danny

It's my life's ambition to fight dinosaurs, save the world. Look... I just want to help, that's all.

Jenny

I warned you to stay away from this, Danny.

Danny

See? I thought you were flirting. It's so difficult to read women these days.

Lester

[to Becker] Can you pistol-whip him?

Becker

Sir?

Lester

Just a thought.

Do you feel the ARC should be allowed to continue its work?

Lester

It was a colossal mistake to suspend us in the first place - a decision I believe the minister has already had good cause to regret. A Stegosaurus in the member's bar of the House Commons... very unfortunate business.