Charlie: What are you doing?
Claudia: I want to help.
Julia: You'll hurt your hands.
Claudia: But Charlie, you asked me!
Charlie: What was I thinking about? A big star like you?
Bailey: Besides, an artist needs her sleep.
Claudia: It's OK. I don't care.
Julia: Go to bed, Claud.
Charlie: You owe it to your public.

Charlie: Yeah. I'm the boss. I'm the boss, and kind of the dad... a couple of hours from now, I'll be the husband. If I had a clue how to be even one of those I'd be happy. [pause] There was this woman tonight. Last night, whatever it was. She wanted me to go to bed with her... and she was pretty and needy. Always a good combination, right George? It felt like this test, you know? The snake offering the apple, that kind of thing. And I said no. So if it was a test I passed it. Which means I ought to be feeling pretty good about it now. So, let me ask you a question. How come I still feel like I want to run away someplace? How come I feel like I can't breathe? How come it feels like someone's got their fist around my lungs?

Charlie: You are NOT doing this to me anymore, have you got that? When I tell you to do something, you say 'Yes, Charlie,' 'Thank you, Charlie', and you DO IT! You obey me, and you treat me with respect, or I swear to God...
Claudia: WHAT? What are you gonna do? What are you gonna take away from me next?
Charlie: That is not what's going on!
Claudia: And in front of all my friends? Forget it! Why do you get to boss me around?
Charlie: Cut it out, Claudia!
Claudia: You never listen to a thing I say!
Charlie: I don't wanna hear this...
Claudia: Why do I have to listen to you?
Charlie: Because I am the father around here!
Claudia: I don't care!
Charlie: God! [raises hand to hit her, quickly stops himself]
Claudia: Some father.
Charlie: Claudia, go to your tent!

Charlie: You called Joe?
Bailey: Yeah, sorry, we just didn't happen to have $2500 bucks lying around to bail you out. Take him home, Joe, will you? I can't look at him right now.

Charlie: You eat way too much sugar, that's the whole problem.
Claudia: I do not!
Charlie: Yes, you do! Why don't you have a nice piece of fruit when you get home from school?
Claudia: Why don't you get a haircut?
Charlie: I'm serious, Claud, when was the last time you had a vegetable?
Claudia: When was the last time you put down the toilet seat?

Charlie: You know what?
Kirsten: What?
Charlie: Nothing. It's, it's stupid.
Kirsten: Tell me..
Charlie: I, um... I used to get dragged to church when I was little and uh... I hated it. So I'd just stare at the angels on the ceiling and they always had this... beautiful golden hair like yours. So you just reminded me of an angel, I guess.
Kirsten: That's really nice.

Charlie: You know, Claud, when the doctor says there's a 98 percent chance you're gonna be fine, that's a good sign.
Claudia: I know.
Charlie: Well, if you know, then what's the problem?
Claudia: What if it's that 2 percent?
Charlie: It won't be. That's what 2 percent means.
Claudia: No, that's what zero percent means.

Claudia: [about Walter] You all got to see him. I never saw him. And I just... I had to see what he looked like.
Bailey: Well, how'd he look?
Claudia: Normal, I guess. He looked kinda nice, like anyone. Like someone you would know.
Julia: Well, how'd you think he would look, Claud?
Claudia: Ugly. Scary. Kind of mean. He was NICE to people, though. And before he knew who I was, he called me sweetheart.

Claudia: [in response to Bailey and Kate throwing water at each other] You know, California is now officially in a drought.

Claudia: [to Bailey] If you're thinking about making this up to me, forget it--you can't. This kind of eclipse won't happen again until 2020--I'll be 37!

Claudia: [to Mrs. Gideon] The only thing that's gonna ruin this for us, and that's going to stop us from being a family, is you.

Claudia: [to Mrs. Gideon] What about all the things we do right? Like the fact that Bailey gets up in the middle of the night, every night, for Owen? I mean, he's 16 and on Friday nights, he babysits! Julia trims my bangs, and she doesn't let me watch movies on cable, and Charlie has this rule about eating vegetables for dinner...and Bailey took my class on a field trip to the planetarium with, like, 3 other mothers!

Claudia: [to Mrs. Gideon] What else do you want from us? Tell me! What more are we supposed to do--are we supposed to be perfect?
Mrs. Gideon: Of course not.
Claudia: [starts to cry] Are there really that many people who do much better? We made it through the last nine months. I don't think it can get much harder than that. Do you?

Claudia: [to Ross] You'd make such a great father. You, like, never yell. And you never do that thing parents do when they're pretending to listen, but really they're just noticing you have a lot of wax in your ear.

Claudia: [to siblings] If you want to blame someone for this, blame yourselves! I'm growing up, and I'm becoming a woman! And you're missing it.