Now then, I want you to understand something. This program is an opportunity very few people get. A shot at fresh start; a do-over of your entire life, but it only works if you make the decision to be a better human being than you've been and allow the possibility of something greater for yourself. And as impossible as it may seem, I've seen even bigger scumbags than you do just that and make it stick.
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
DBDeandra Bevins
Welcome to my home, Mary, and please call me Dee. Only my son's whores are required to call me Deandra.
Despite my athletic prowess and my eagerness to please you, I cannot outrun a horse.
What are you doing?
What? Nothing. I'm doing my job, keeping my eye on things.
Look at me.
No. Why?
Because I'm talking to you. Oh my God. You can't look at me. Marshall, for God's sake. It's not like I'm naked.
Naked would be better. That makes me feel so dirty.
Good Lord. Watch the door, Purvis.
When were you going to tell me?
Actually, I was going to mail it to myself so you could read it.
Marshall. Marshall! Can you hear me?
I must have bumped my head.
Yeah, that's what happened. Then you fell on a bullet.
Huh?
You doofus, you got shot.
Oh, crap.
What do you think?
I think if that really was Lola, she knows this is her only shot at Mr. Personality before he talks to the feds.
Which means she's coming back.
Dun, dun, duh.
That's pretty funny for a guy with a sucking chest wound.
I know.
How are we doing?
Tension pneumothorax.
That's funny. I was just going to say that.
Tube thorocostomy.
Marshall, if I'm going to help you, you need to speak English.
No. Not exactly. Look, it's nothing like what you think.
Oh yeah? Well you should probably explain, because I'm pretty confused. I know you love the job and I thought you—I thought we were friends.
We are. You're my best friend.
Jesus, Marshall, you're like my only friend.
I know, and you're like my only friend.
So? Sounds like a pretty good arrangement. What's the problem?
The problem with us is—
Please just tell me.
I feel like I'm the keeper of this exotic animal, and I spend my time either protecting you from the world or the world from you. And it's just—it's a lot of responsibility.
I'm sorry. But that's your job. [Kisses him on the cheek] And you cannot quit.
Okay.
[Voiceover] Nietzsche was right. "We come into this world alone and we go out of it alone." Perhaps that explains why we spend our time here on earth so infuriatingly dependent on others.
[Voiceover] Funny how things like mortgage payments and a desire to not eat cat food can get between a person and their principles. Damn, I hate principles.
[Voiceover] If there's one thing working in witness protection has taught me it's that people hate change. Oh, we all say we want to change; get thinner, quit smoking, learn to speak Portuguese, but we don't. For better or worse, our habits define us. We turn the pages of the same tattered script over and over, clinging to our well rehearsed routines like barnacles, and nothing rankles us more than having to learn new lines.
What exactly is your beef with humanity?
I have no beef with humanity. It's people I can't stand.
[On the phone] Hey, Stan, it's Mary. Imagine my surprise when Kay Swenson showed up drunk at Jay Arnstein's gallery and got into a fistfight with Marci Arnstein. Who could have possibly predicted that deceiving a witness and helping her husband commit adultery with his tramp mistress would end badly? You'd have to be a genius to see that one coming, right? Anyway, Stan, I'll need immediate relocation authorization. Call me! Bye!
Okay, what is taking you so long? Can't you go any faster?
I could, but then I'd miss the fun of watching you lapse into hysteria.
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