You know, I once knew this geezer called Onslow in the Isle of Dogs, in the East End of London. Leery little scallywag he was, he was too smiley by half. Never trusted. Anyway, Lucius, one day he comes bowling up to me, and he asks me to do him this right iffy favor. Oh, it doesn't matter what it was. The point being, against my better judgement... I agreed to do it. But Lucius, I told him, I told him straight, "You let me down, Onslow, I will tuck you up, Sunshine. Like a kipper." He swears blind, swears on his mother's grave he would never do such a thing, but of course he did. Couldn't help himself, he let me down. So I tucked him up. Like a kipper.
...What is a kipper?
It's a type of smoked fish. Very nice with eggs and brown toast for breakfast. [Lucius nods] But what I learned from Onslow is this: there are two types of people on this planet, you see. Them you can trust... and them you can't.
I cannot disagree.
Which kind are you?
Both kinds of people would give you the same answer, wouldn't they?
Exactly. Exactly right. There lieth the problem, Lucius; you see, I need to confide in you. And I need to know that you're trustworthy.
Perhaps I should decline your confidence; I don't like the sound of these 'kippers.'
Yeah, well it's a bit late for that, unfortunately. I mean, it's you, after all, Lucius, that created this mess when you told young Master Bruce that his dear old dead dad was a 'stoic'.
Ah.
Ah, exactly. See, there's a problem: I've got no one else to turn to. I have to confide in you.
[nods] I see.
Do you? I mean, just to be crystal clear about this: If it turns out that I can't trust you... I swear on my mother's grave, you, my old sausage... are a dead man.
I have only the best intentions for Bruce Wayne.
[to the barman] Another gin-and-tonic please, guvner, and whatever this young man's drinking, one for yourself. [to Lucius] How are you at fixing computers?
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