Dead Ringers quotes

CHANNEL FIVE ANNOUNCER: Tomorrow night our seemingly never-ending Nazi documentary season continues scraping the bottom of the barrel with the start of our new 10-part series: Allo, Allo!: A Warning from History.

Coming up on Friday's episode of EastEnders, Ian Beale gets the result of the DNA test: and gets the shock of his life. He is human after all.

You're watching Channel Five! Hello stranger, long time since we've seen you around here, isn't it? You used to flick by all the time when we showed soft porn all evening! Is that all we were to you!? I thought we had something special! No, no, I'm actually not gonna show you the movie now, just get out of my sight!

There's drama here later tonight on Five, when we finally run out of programmes about the Nazis, and realise that there's only one thing for it. We'll have to invade Poland!

Later on Channel Four at 10:30, Inside the Mind of Liza Minnelli. Then the weather at 10:32.

(At the Argentine Tango BBC One Ident): And now on BBC One, look at the people dancing! Just look at them, aren't they pretty? They're dancing in the rain, but they don't care, they're just dancing and dancing and dancing. That lady's so pretty, I think she might be a princess. Wish I was dancing in the rain... sigh.

Wednesday night on Destination D-Day, here on BBC One, there's a shock in store for the 15 raw recruits recreating life in a World War II training camp: when they're told that back home, 15 Americans are shagging their girlfriends.

At 8 tomorrow on BBC Two, we've got The Good Life. That's followed by Porridge at 8:30, and later at 10 there's That Was the Week we Watched . A nostalgic programme looking back at the shows we had been watching this week in 1979: which were Porridge and The Good Life.

This week on EastEnders, there's trouble in store for Kat Slater, when she's mistaken for a panda, tranquilized, and returned to London Zoo.

Next on BBC Two, Top Gear, and Jeremy Clarkson reviews the best hoses for siphoning petrol out of the new Mazda MX-5.

Thursday night on 4 at 9'o'clock, there's the second part of our disturbing documentary series Human Mutants. This week it's Dermot O'Leary.

You're watching BBC Four, quiet isn't it? I'm eating a Bath Oliver biscuit and some rather splendid olives, um.

It's a very special day for us on ITV now, as our new drama A Line in the Sand marks our 60th attempt of a vehicle for Ross Kemp. Let us never forget its fallen comrades.

Coming up on ITV1, after having played a cab driver in Shame, Frank Skinner is back on another show where he's carrying a passenger, where he is co-hosting Fantasy Football with David Baddiel!

Tuesday night on 4, there's Big Brother, followed by Sex with Strangers, followed by EuroTrash... after which you should probably take a shower. But no matter how hard you scrub, you'll still feel dirty!!