A week?! This can not last another week. It's inhumane. I don't sleep anymore, my legs are fat, my back is killing me, I feel like retching 23 hours a day... Did you know the average gestation period for the fruit bat is 2 months... 2 months, that's fair, that's reasonable. Why can't I give birth to a fruit bat?
Look, despite first impressions, I'm not here to bust on you. I don't know if the rumors are true or exaggerated. Or if this is one of your bizarre attempts to appear more attractive to the senior girls. But I just wanted to say I know what you must be going through, and...
Well let me see. People stare at you when you walk down the hall, we've seen that. They whisper behind your back. You suddenly overhear your name in a conversation of strangers. And pretty soon a justifiable paranoia sets in and whether they are or not, you are convinced that everyone is talking about you. Imagine if you had done something even worse.
Like sharing a house with your pregnant unwed sister and her black boyfriend, while your father serves time on a drug conviction. Imagine that, Pacey. We actually have something in common... Providing gossip for the small-minded townsfolk. And unfortunately for you, you're tonight's top story.
Gram's way of dealing with my point of view is pretending that it doesn't exist. Which, of course, infuriates me. It causes me to speak emotionally rather than rationally, and I become rude and defensive, and I...I give her even more of a reason to dismiss my viewpoints. Its like we're locked in this awful vicious cycle.
[grabs the phone] Listen, you sorry ass civil servant. This is the mother-to-be talking. Maybe I'm not in the tax bracket that guarantees a prompt response to medical distress, but I have a shoe full of amniotic fluid, my pelvis is beating like a rumba band, and I'm in real danger of having my first-born child delivered by two high school students. So, why don't you stop making excuses, get off your oversized backside and get us an ambulance before my fetus enters college?
Look I don't mean any disrespect here. But, if you'll just give me a second, I'll have you all home for dinner. OK? Look, I know the origin of these rumors has been traced to me. And, ah I guess that would make sense. 'Cause look at me, here I am a C+ student, who sits in the back of Ms. Jacobs English class everyday, daydreaming about the same thing. About, what it would be like to be... a little bit better looking, a little more sophisticated and about 15 years older. 'Cause, then and only then, could Ms. Jacobs possibly look at me as anything other than just another one of her students. And, only then, could this rumor stand any chance of being true. Ah, I mean, don't get me wrong, I am flattered with the seriousness that you took these allegations, but you know personally I'd just chalked them up to adolescent fantasy. I kind of expected you guys to do the same.
SSSuperintendent Stevens
Correct me if I'm wrong Mr. Witter, but for the record, are you saying you deny the aforementioned allegations?
Yeah, for the record, sir. And for anywhere else you want to put it. Ms. Jacobs is my English teacher and to my great disappointment absolutely nothing else.
