Top Gear quotes
1565 total quotesAll Seasons Season 1 Season 2 Season 3 Season 4 Season 5 Season 6 Season 7 Season 8 Season 9 Season 10 Season 11 Season 12 Season 13 Season 14 Season 15
Season 16
Season 17
Season 18
[during the forensic test]
James: They've actually already discovered that your car used to belong to a Muslim man from Birmingham.
Jeremy: What, they can tell that just by swabbing the seats?
James: No. They found this letter.
[Jeremy laughs as James reveals it]
James: They've actually already discovered that your car used to belong to a Muslim man from Birmingham.
Jeremy: What, they can tell that just by swabbing the seats?
James: No. They found this letter.
[Jeremy laughs as James reveals it]
[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: [voiceover] Tonight, a spaniel in a moon buggy; A fat man in a Kia;
John Prescott: Woah, there she goes!
Jeremy: [voiceover] and a race against the Lord God Almighty. [spoken in the car] Come on!
Jeremy: [voiceover] Tonight, a spaniel in a moon buggy; A fat man in a Kia;
John Prescott: Woah, there she goes!
Jeremy: [voiceover] and a race against the Lord God Almighty. [spoken in the car] Come on!
[During the opening sequence]
Jeremy: Tonight, a sausage gets burnt, a sheep falls over, and our track is all wet.
Jeremy: Tonight, a sausage gets burnt, a sheep falls over, and our track is all wet.
[during the opening sequence]
Jeremy: Tonight, a dog won't go in a car, a clipboard falls over, and a man from Liverpool is on our track.
Jeremy: Tonight, a dog won't go in a car, a clipboard falls over, and a man from Liverpool is on our track.
[During the opening sequence]
Jeremy: Tonight, a fat man gets murdered, a donkey gets overtaken and James wears lady's underwear on his head.
Jeremy: Tonight, a fat man gets murdered, a donkey gets overtaken and James wears lady's underwear on his head.
[During the opening sequence]
Jeremy: Tonight, our track's a bit foggy, a man eats a snack, and we move about in a caravan.
Jeremy: Tonight, our track's a bit foggy, a man eats a snack, and we move about in a caravan.
[during the Pagani Zonda R review Jeremy points out that the Zonda R is not road legal nor can it be used on a track]
Jeremy: [voiceover] So, if it's not for racing, and it's not for the road, what is it for? Well, this.
[cut to the Zonda R being driven very fast]
Jeremy: [voiceover] So, if it's not for racing, and it's not for the road, what is it for? Well, this.
[cut to the Zonda R being driven very fast]
[During their "bank heist" test, Jeremy and Ricard steal the Mercedes-Benz S65 AMG and the Rolls Royce Ghost, leaving him with the Yugo as his only means of transport, he is not pleased with this]
James: What a pair of utter cars!
James: What a pair of utter cars!
[having replaced a Bentley with a Yugo "for complicated reasons"]
Jeremy: It is the most expensive penis of the three, two hundred twenty thousand pounds, and from where I'm sitting, it's hard to see why.
[...]
Jeremy: [bouncing up and down] This has to be the least refined car I've ever driven. This is simply intolerable. Two hundred twenty thousand pounds for this!
Jeremy: It is the most expensive penis of the three, two hundred twenty thousand pounds, and from where I'm sitting, it's hard to see why.
[...]
Jeremy: [bouncing up and down] This has to be the least refined car I've ever driven. This is simply intolerable. Two hundred twenty thousand pounds for this!
[In Albania]
Richard: This is the perfect car for the job.
Jeremy: ...you can't say that.
Richard: What?
Jeremy: You can't say that word, the 'C' word.
Richard: Well, I didn't, did I?
Jeremy: [laughs] no, not that 'C' word, the other 'C' word.
Richard: ..."Car"?
Jeremy: Yes. You can't say that. Car here means... "Gentleman sausage".
[...]
Richard: But we do a car show!
Jeremy: Yes, but you can't say car. Or peach.
James: Peach?
Jeremy: Don't say peach.
Richard: What does that mean?
Jeremy: [gestures] "Lady garden".
Richard: This is the perfect car for the job.
Jeremy: ...you can't say that.
Richard: What?
Jeremy: You can't say that word, the 'C' word.
Richard: Well, I didn't, did I?
Jeremy: [laughs] no, not that 'C' word, the other 'C' word.
Richard: ..."Car"?
Jeremy: Yes. You can't say that. Car here means... "Gentleman sausage".
[...]
Richard: But we do a car show!
Jeremy: Yes, but you can't say car. Or peach.
James: Peach?
Jeremy: Don't say peach.
Richard: What does that mean?
Jeremy: [gestures] "Lady garden".
[In the opening scene, where Jeremy is talking about the iPlayer]
Jeremy: ...and isn't the iPlayer [stutters] brilliant...[pauses for a few seconds]...art...om when it freezes...[freezes as if buffering]...oadband connection. Er, what I'd like to do is shove it up British Telecom's...[freezes again before he can finish; cut to him dithering further back]...e start tonight with the Ariel Atom. Now there is a new, much fa-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-[scene cut]-aster version, which has come along recently...
Jeremy: ...and isn't the iPlayer [stutters] brilliant...[pauses for a few seconds]...art...om when it freezes...[freezes as if buffering]...oadband connection. Er, what I'd like to do is shove it up British Telecom's...[freezes again before he can finish; cut to him dithering further back]...e start tonight with the Ariel Atom. Now there is a new, much fa-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-[scene cut]-aster version, which has come along recently...
[on a stop by the Sea of Galilee]
Jeremy: [removing the bandage from James' head] You are healed. I have healed you.
James: Cock! You took the bandage off!
Jeremy: [removing the bandage from James' head] You are healed. I have healed you.
James: Cock! You took the bandage off!
[On the Mini Countryman]
Jeremy: It's just stupid. It's the stupidest car I've ever seen. And it gave me crabs.
Richard: What?
James: Crabs?
Jeremy: I meant cramp. Why did I say crabs? How can a car give you crabs?
Richard: I don't know! Tell us!
Jeremy: It's just stupid. It's the stupidest car I've ever seen. And it gave me crabs.
Richard: What?
James: Crabs?
Jeremy: I meant cramp. Why did I say crabs? How can a car give you crabs?
Richard: I don't know! Tell us!
[On the Stig]
Jeremy: Some say that he doesn't understand the word "envelope". And that he is the only woman in Britain not to have slept with Alan Johnson's policeman. All we know is, he's called the Stig.
Jeremy: Some say that he doesn't understand the word "envelope". And that he is the only woman in Britain not to have slept with Alan Johnson's policeman. All we know is, he's called the Stig.
[On the Stig]
Jeremy: Some say that his favourite disease he had when he was a child was gout. [laughter] And that he was very surprised this week when he was able to pick up some remarkably cheap tickets for the Bahrain Grand Prix. All we know is he's called the Stig!
Series 17
Jeremy: Some say that his favourite disease he had when he was a child was gout. [laughter] And that he was very surprised this week when he was able to pick up some remarkably cheap tickets for the Bahrain Grand Prix. All we know is he's called the Stig!
Series 17