[During the Axis vs Allies drag race]
Jeremy: I'm hoping that because the Lamborghini's Italian, it'll change sides halfway through the race.

[during the Car Hunting Challenge while some people are standing on the side]
Clarkson: Hello people, would you like me to murder you? I'm an offroad enthusiast.

[During the news on Chrysler's move on installing WiFi on its production vehicles]
Jeremy: Will you be able to check your e-mails?
Richard: Yeah.
Jeremy: Will you be able to look at... (whispers) Abi Titmuss's lady garden?
(Audience Laughs)
Richard: Well, they did say it's for passengers only.
Jeremy: Then, it will be the case of 'I went on the M40 this week and found this!'
(Audience laughs as an explicit picture is shown in the TV screens)
Richard: (Bows his head in laughter, then regains composure) You had to.

[during the news, regarding the lack of female racing drivers]
Jeremy: The thing is, I know why women don't do it. It's 'cause as soon as a woman puts on a pair of racing overalls, they are immediately treated like a sex object.
Richard: Have you been on the Internet again?
Jeremy: Yes I have! [Crowd laughs] And I found this.
Richard: Oh God! [Crowd continues laughing]
[later in the same segment, discussing a recent survey on the ten sexiest female racing drivers]
Jeremy: Who do you think came tenth?
[scrolls down to reveal picture of James]

[During the news]
Jeremy: Listen, while we were off the air, okay, I had a look on the Internet and this was on it.
Richard: Whoa! Bird's view...(inarticulate noise)
[crowd laughs]

[During the news]
Jeremy: Look, [pauses] I went on the Internet this week and I found this.
[Crowd laughs]

[During the news]
Jeremy: You can't buy that because it's a SEAT.
Richard: Well...
James: What's wrong with that?
Jeremy: It's Spanish.
James: What's wrong with that?
Jeremy: I'm bored with Spain at the moment. Fernando Alonso, he's the most successful driver there... well, he just is. Okay? Then you've got Nadal in Tennis, they've won the UEFA Championships, they've nicked our airports, they've nicked all our fish, they've nicked all our building societies, they eat the heads off prawns, they throw donkeys off tower blocks and they stab cows.
[laughter]
Richard: So that's the Spanish?
Jeremy: That is the Spanish. [to the audience] Anybody from Spain here?
Richard: Sorry.
[a faint response is heard]
Jeremy: Give me my fish back!

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight, Audi's Dynamic Ride Control tested to the limits in the Alps; variable torque-slip transmissions given a workout on our track; and Merc's hundred and ninety mile an hour Black on the edge in Wales.

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight, how much passion can you get for a thousand pounds?; how much soul can you get for a thousand pounds?; and how much pain can you get for a thousand pounds?

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight, Richard spins off the track... twice; Jay Kay tries to get to number one; and Germany or Britain: which is best?

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight, we completely save the countryside; James and I completely ruin London; and there be dragons in our reasonably-priced car.

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: Can an Austin Allegro fly? Can we solve the fuel crisis? And making a better police car: How hard can it be?

[During the Police Car challenge, about Hammond's 'stinger']
Jeremy: [voiceover] It was unmistakably a doormat with some nails in it.

[During the Police Car challenge, on sirens]
Jeremy: [voiceover] James then demonstrated his siren... [James' Lexus plays "Camptown Races" in a cheesy electronic voice]...which he'd got from an ice-cream van.
Jeremy: They're gonna be really impressed with that on an American police video.
James: No, they stop for an ice-cream. And then they're nicked.
Jeremy: May I? [voiceover] Mine was much more high-tech. [Shows Clarkson pressing button on child's sound toy, the car moos] Oh, wait, no, that's the cow.
[upon Richard's arrival]

[During The Stig's Lap of the GT-R]
Jeremy: [voiceover] ...And he's still all over Elton John; let's hope he showers afterwards.