Dave: So, Theo, you want to work in broadcasting?
Theo: Anything would be better than what I'm doing now.
Dave: What are you doing now?
Theo: I give motivational speeches for corporate events.

Dave: Well, well, well. A kingdom of fat men in mini cars. You must be very proud.

Dave: You're telling me you don't want to go to New Hampshire because... your cats will kill you?
Matthew: It's called responsibility, David. Wake up and sniff it.

Jim: All right, come on you two. Geez, I don't know. It's like everybody's going absolutely bitchcakes here today.

Joe: Can I talk to you for a minute?
Dave: It better be good and it better be fast!
Lisa: I was just about to say that.
Season 3

Lisa: Every Christmas my family sends out this newsletter, you know, and it's all about what my brothers and I have been doing, blah-di-blah blah blah.
Dave: You know my mom does that too.
Lisa: Really? Does your mom have her newsletter professionally typeset with full color photographs by a former art director of Vanity Fair?
Dave: No, my mom cuts out pictures of all the kids faces and pastes them on reindeer bodies... But we like it!

Lisa: Have you ever taken naked pictures of yourself?
[Long pause]
Dave: [into speakerphone] Mom, I'm going to have to call you back...

Lisa: I know you may find this hard to believe, but not everybody spends their whole day thinking about Bill McNeal.
Bill: You're a true source of comfort, Lisa.

Lisa: Okay, so the most important thing to remember is that we stick together, right? We are a unit. They take all of us, or they take none of us.
Bill: [walking in] Okay people, let's go to Plan B. It's every man for himself!
Lisa: Listen to me. The last thing we need right now is a power struggle.
Bill: Absolutely, I'm with you.
Lisa: Good.
Bill: All those in favor of maintaining a unified front stay here, those of you who'd like to join my splinter group meet me in the men's room in five minutes.

Lisa: Cards aren't a game of luck. They're a game of strategy, statistics, probability, and money management.

Mr. James: Dave, you're the boss. You're supposed to be thick-skinned.
Dave: I'm plenty thick-skinned.
Mr. James: Oh yeah, I've seen thicker skin on a bowl of pudding. Here, check this out...
[Mr. James puts his hand above a lit candle.]
Dave: Sir, you really don't have to do that to impress me.
Mr. James: You wanna know the secret?
Dave: Wild guess... thick skin?
Mr. James: Well, metaphysically, yes. Technically speaking, you do it 15, 16 times it kills all the nerve endings in your hand.

Mr. James: Hey Dave.
Dave: Hey Mr. James.
Mr. James: Something troubling you?
Dave: Yeah.
Mr. James: Work related?
Dave: No.
Mr. James: Girl?
Dave: Yeah.
Mr. James: Lisa?
Dave: Between you and me?
Mr. James: Yes.
Dave: Yes.
Mr. James: Problem?
Dave: Big fight.
Mr. James: Due to?
Dave: Argument.
Mr. James: Issue?
Dave: Temper.
Mr. James: Hers?
Dave: Mine.
Mr. James: Hit her?
Dave: No!
Mr. James: Throw something?
Dave: No.
Mr. James: Call her a name?
Dave: Yes.
Mr. James: What?
Dave: B-word.
Mr. James: Bitch?
Dave: Yes.
Mr. James: Hot dog, now you're talkin'!

Mr. James: It's almost 12:00. Is anybody gonna try to talk me out of this?
Matthew: Nope. Cause we don't have to.
Mr. James: Why is that Matthew?
Matthew: Well, because I took the liberty of turning the clock back ten minutes, it is actually 12:05, which means you missed your midnight deadline... yes!
Mr. James: Matthew, that 12:00 was just a loose guideline. I'm dealing with a corporation here, not magical fairies.

Mr. James: Melanie, I'm single, you're single, what do you say we get married?
Melanie: Well I'm glad you finally decided on the direct approach.
Mr. James: Yeah, well I'm a businessman at heart.
Melanie: As am I. What's your offer?
Mr. James: Single rich male seeks matrimony.
Melanie: Primary residence?
Mr. James: Westchester County.
Melanie: Would you be open to considering a secondary residence in Manhattan?
Mr. James: Central Park West?
Melanie: South.
Mr. James: Done. Time spent together.
Melanie: Eight hours, five days a week.
Mr. James: Seven hours, twelve hours weekends.
Melanie: Fifty-five hours aggregate, specifics to be determined later.
Mr. James: I'm amenable to that. Children.
Melanie: One.
Mr. James: Three.
Melanie: Two.
Mr. James: Done. But one of them has to be a male.
Melanie: I'll see what I can do. Vacations.
Mr. James: December, Hawaii.
Melanie: June. The Vineyard.
Mr. James: June fine, but Hawaii.
Melanie: Nope, the Vineyard.
Mr. James: Is that a deal breaker for you?
Melanie: I'm afraid so.
Mr. James: Me too. Well we gave it a shot.

Mr. James: You know, back in the service we used to have a saying, "You can't expect the troops to salute you if you're sleeping with the sergeant."
Dave: (confused) What... what branch of the service were you in sir?