Have you ever taken naked pictures of yourself?
[Long pause]
[into speakerphone] Mom, I'm going to have to call you back...
S2 E1No, This is Not Based Entirely on Julie's Life
[Beth shows Bill a nude photo of herself, disguised with a paper bag so he won't recognize her]
Bill, what do you think of this photo?
Who is that?
Oh, it's a friend of mine doing a thesis at NYU, it's a fine arts program.
Uh-huh. Well, it's an interesting commentary on the objectification of the female form and of course the masks women are forced to wear in our society. If I were the NEA I'd give her five or six grand.
Well, Bill, do you think it's sexy?
Well, I don't really think that's germane to a discussion of the statement the artist is trying to make.
Thank you, Bill.
[Bill walks over to Matthew]
Beth's showing nudie photos of herself with a paper bag over her head. Check it out.
S2 E2Goofy Ball
You're sleeping with the boss now, Lisa. What do you think the staff's gonna feel about that? You know what people think about Yoko Ono.
Yes, I do sir.
What about you Dave, you know what they think about Paul McCartney.
You mean John Lennon.
No, people liked him.
You know, back in the service we used to have a saying, "You can't expect the troops to salute you if you're sleeping with the sergeant."
(confused) What... what branch of the service were you in sir?
Do you have another shirt?
Sure. Here you go. [hands Lisa a blue shirt]
Dave, this is identical to the one I have on.
No it isn't. That one is Azure and that one is Lapis.
Can I have another shirt, please?
[pulls out a series of blue shirts] Let's see, there's Indigo, Sapphire, Sky, and Standard Blue.
Ever see Rain Man, Dave?
S2 E3Rat Funeral
But he is a rat, right? Doesn't anyone find that disgusting?
Oh, he's cute Dave. Just pokes his little head out when it's quiet and sometimes we feed him potato chips.
LBLisa, Beth
And Fig Newtons!
[faking a laugh] Aw gosh, [turning serious] does anyone here remember a little thing called the Black Plague?
You're not in Wisconsin, Dave. The big story isn't about a cow wandering into the town square.
Bill, I worked in Milwaukee, you know. It's a city with a population of a million people.
So that must have been quite a hubbub when that cow got loose!
S2 E4The Breakup
If you ever broadcast my age over the air again I will beat you to death with your own microphone!
[laughing] You may be 36, but you still have all the spark and sass of a 35 year old!
Hey Dave.
Hey Mr. James.
Something troubling you?
Yeah.
Work related?
No.
Girl?
Yeah.
Lisa?
Between you and me?
Yes.
Yes.
Problem?
Big fight.
Due to?
Argument.
Issue?
Temper.
Hers?
Mine.
Hit her?
No!
Throw something?
No.
Call her a name?
Yes.
What?
B-word.
Bitch?
Yes.
Hot dog, now you're talkin'!
S2 E5The Shrink
[Bill sets up a cubicle around his desk]
Have you thought about how this will make you co-workers feel?
Actually, one of the great things about the cubicle is not having to think about my co-workers at all.
You slept with your therapist? --
No!
Your therapist?
No he wasn't my therapist. I would never sleep with my therapist. He was my professor!
You slept with your professor?!
Yeah.
I mean, isn't that illegal, and disgusting?
Illegal? No. Inappropriate? Yes. Disgusting? Mmm...Hardly.
I resent the hell out of having to spend the day with a man who slept with my girlfriend. I can't tell you how excruciating and uncomfortable this day has been. I mean, what kind of professor sleeps with his sophomore students?
FDr. Frank
Well, I'm sorry, but I was going through a very strange time back then.
Oh, yeah? Wanna talk about it?
FDr. Frank
Not really.
Well, you know what they say, doc: let it out or sweat it out.
FDr. Frank
Well, I was dealing with a lot of issues.
What kind of issues?
FDr. Frank
[pause] Sexual addiction.
I'm sorry, I'm from Wisconsin. Is that the same as "gettin' a lot"?
FDr. Frank
Similar. I was out of control, totally indiscriminate - students, faculty, men, women, it didn't matter. [pause] Boy, it feels good to talk about it!
Well, that's what I'm here for.
FDr. Frank
You're a good listener.
Thank you.
FDr. Frank
And you have nice hands.
Sorry?
FDr. Frank
Your hands. I noticed them earlier. They're quite beautiful.
You never really resolved the aforementioned problem, did you?
FDr. Frank
Not really.
Wanna talk about it?
FDr. Frank
[whimpering] Mmm-hmm.
S2 E6Friends
She steal your high school sweetheart or something?
Oh yeah, of course, because whenever two women are fighting it's obviously over a man, because, you know men are all important and women are nothing. Men are great! All hail king man!... But yes, she did steal my high school sweetheart.
[Mr. James puts a heart shaped box in the paper shredder.]
Ahh, shreddin' a heart. If that's not a metaphor for... something, I don't know what is.
S2 E7Bill's Autobiography
What's interesting about radio?
Well I think it's a fascinating medium.
You're from Wisconsin. Artificial light is fascinating to you!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's NewsRadio pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.