Alan: Ferrets?
Rose: Yeah, I have five of the toothy, little guys.
Alan: No-- no kidding. Five ferrets? Those are like, uh, long, furry rats, right?
Rose: Yup, and they're all named Charlie.

Alan: Ha-have you ever seen him [Charlie] act this way before?
Berta: Well, when Viagra first came out, I thought he was gonna die. You know how they say if your erection lasts more than four hours, you should call your doctor? He'd just call another girl.

Alan: He's [Jake] growing up, getting a life of his own. He'll be going off to college soon. I'll only see him on holidays, only hear from him when he needs money -- not that I'll have any, I'll still be paying alimony to two ex-wives! And college tuition? That just means selling an organ or turning tricks. And for what? So that he can get a worthless piece of paper that he can then fold into a hat to wear to the fast food job that he will probably get fired from for stealing fries from the customers' bags! [he leaves the kitchen]
Jake: I do like fries.

Alan: Hey buddy.
[Jake doesn't say anything but just gives him a big hug.]

Alan: Hey Charlie, what's miscellaneous cash expenses?
Charlie: You know, extra things. Like if I want a hot dog or tickets to the movies.
Alan: It's $40,000!
Charlie: Gambling losses, etcetera, etcetera

Alan: Hey, at least I didn't talk him [Jake] into putting crotchless panties on a Butterball turkey!
Charlie: Oh, right. Best Thanksgiving ever.
Alan: You told me it's how the Pilgrims got through the harsh winter.

Alan: Hey, Berta? You're a woman.
Berta: Where are we going with this, Zippy?
Alan: I was just wondering, uh, what does it mean when someone starts crying uncontrollably after sex?
Berta: Well, in my experience, it usually means the conjugal visit's over.

Alan: Hey, hey, here's a funny thing! Uh, my name's Al, and I, uh, I give Judith money, [chuckles] so it's, uh, so it's, uh, "Al-i-mony".
Herb: Wouldn't it be "Al-i-money"?
Alan: I was afraid you'd pick up on that.

Alan: Hey, I may not have the biggest boat in the marina, but nobody rows harder than me.

Alan: Hey, what's that, uh, splattered all over your shirt?
Charlie: Coffee and breast milk.
Alan: What happened, did Starbucks merge with Hooters? "Hooterbucks." I'd like a double D-cup latte, please.

Alan: Hey, where have you been?
Charlie: I just had lunch with my mother and my stalker. They spent the afternoon eating off each other's plates and discussing my fear of intimacy.
Alan: You do have that, you know. Well, anyway, look, can we talk about this picture Jake drew?
Charlie: What's to talk about? He's a boy. He saw a woman's ass. He liked it. Thank your lucky stars it wasn't the cable guy's ass and move on!
[Jake enters the kitchen]
Jake: Hey, Dad, where's "Can-cun"?
Alan: Cancún?
Jake: No, it's spelled "Can-cun".
Alan: It's in Mexico. Why?
Jake: We should go there for Christmas instead of Aunt Betty's.
Alan: What are you reading?
Jake: Sports Illustrated, but it's mostly ladies in bathing suits.

Alan: How about this: When was the last time you called her [Evelyn] just to see how she was doing?
Charlie: Uh, whoo. What's today, Sunday? Then never.
Alan: Why don't you start with that?
Charlie: OK, fine. [takes his phone out of his pocket]
Alan: Remember her number?
Charlie: I've got it on speed dial. 666. Cute, huh?

Alan: How much did you tip him [the pizza delivery man]?
Charlie: I don't know. I gave him a fifty.
Alan: That's... that's like a 300 percent tip!
Charlie: If you say so. I was never good at math.
Alan: Oh, yeah, but you can figure out the point spread, the over-under, and the vigorish on every football game in the country.
Charlie: What can I tell you? I've got a beautiful mind.

Alan: I can't believe it. You're nervous about a date.
Charlie: Of course I'm nervous! What am I gonna talk to her about? I haven't gone out with a forty-year-old woman since high school!
Alan: Well, Charlie, that's the great thing about seeing someone your own age. There's always something to talk about because what you've been through, she's been through.
Charlie: Oh, I hardly think so.
Alan: All right, point taken. But she's a fascinating woman. She's a municipal court judge, she teaches law at UCLA...
Charlie: Aw, man, you didn't tell me that!
Alan: Does that make a difference?
Charlie: It makes a big difference! The smarter the girl, the harder it is to blow smoke up her ass!

Alan: I can't believe you've been going to gym all this time without a jockstrap.
Jake: I don't like it. It feels like I've been flossing my butt crack.
Alan: Based on what I'm paying your dentist, you know nothing about flossing.
Charlie: Think of it as a bra for your balls.
Jake: Oh, now I want one.