Two and a Half Men quotes
728 total quotesAlan: Before we got here, this was just a big empty space where you just sat around, got drunk, and had casual sex with women you don't even care about. There was no love, no family, and no meaning.
Charlie: There's a word for that, Alan: "Utopia"!
Charlie: There's a word for that, Alan: "Utopia"!
Alan: But, uh, but FYI, Charlie's a thief, a liar, and I suspect something of a firebug.
Herb: Really. Hmmm, he always struck me as a straight-shooter. Little loosey-goosey with the liquor and the ladies, but, uh, all in all, a good fella.
Judith: In what universe is Charlie Harper a "good fella"?
Herb: Well, I certainly don't know him as well as you do, so I'll just shut my pie hole.
Herb: Really. Hmmm, he always struck me as a straight-shooter. Little loosey-goosey with the liquor and the ladies, but, uh, all in all, a good fella.
Judith: In what universe is Charlie Harper a "good fella"?
Herb: Well, I certainly don't know him as well as you do, so I'll just shut my pie hole.
Alan: Charlie, be serious. I remember how nervous I was about my first boy-girl party.
Charlie: Oh yeah, that was in college, wasn't it?"
Charlie: Oh yeah, that was in college, wasn't it?"
Alan: Charlie, don't you see what's happening to you?
Charlie: Nothing's happening, except that I offered to buy a policewoman a $500 martini!
Alan: Well, then, I guess there's no point in my talking to you anymore.
Charlie: All right. Then something good came of this.
Charlie: Nothing's happening, except that I offered to buy a policewoman a $500 martini!
Alan: Well, then, I guess there's no point in my talking to you anymore.
Charlie: All right. Then something good came of this.
Alan: Charlie, it's OK. You've been working out your maternal issues by having sex with other women your entire life. All you're doing now is cutting out the middle man.
Charlie: Oh, that is just sick!
Alan: My point exactly.
Charlie: Oh, that is just sick!
Alan: My point exactly.
Alan: Charlie, she [Melissa] is the best receptionist I've ever had.
Charlie: I'm hoping to say the same.
Alan: Come on, Charlie, please do not crap where I work.
Charlie: Hey, you crap where I live!
Charlie: I'm hoping to say the same.
Alan: Come on, Charlie, please do not crap where I work.
Charlie: Hey, you crap where I live!
Alan: Charlie, that lovely lady in there brought her toothbrush 'cause I have a penis and a job!
Charlie: Rose! [to Alan]: How is she gonna brush your job?
Alan: No, no, you don't understand--
Charlie: I don't have time for this, Alan! [he walks back inside and heads toward the front door]
Beverly: Charlie, are you OK?
Charlie: Yeah, I just can't find my damn stalker. [leaves]
Beverly: He can't find his stalker?
Alan: They're usually in the last place you look.
Charlie: Rose! [to Alan]: How is she gonna brush your job?
Alan: No, no, you don't understand--
Charlie: I don't have time for this, Alan! [he walks back inside and heads toward the front door]
Beverly: Charlie, are you OK?
Charlie: Yeah, I just can't find my damn stalker. [leaves]
Beverly: He can't find his stalker?
Alan: They're usually in the last place you look.
Alan: Charlie, there is a half-naked woman in our kitchen!
Charlie: Which half?
Charlie: Which half?
Alan: Come on guys, please give me a hand on this.
Berta & Charlie: Can't help ya.
Alan: Look, Jake, it, it, it-- it's not that you have to be particularly smart to have sex.
Berta and Charlie: Yeah, look at your dad!
Berta & Charlie: Can't help ya.
Alan: Look, Jake, it, it, it-- it's not that you have to be particularly smart to have sex.
Berta and Charlie: Yeah, look at your dad!
Alan: Did you ever try any of those [erectile dysfunction] drugs?
Charlie: Once or twice. Out of curiosity, not necessity.
Alan: What did you think?
Charlie: It's not my thing. It's like corking the bat. You?
Alan: Yeah, that's what my ex-wife wanted -- more sex with me that lasted longer.
Charlie: Once or twice. Out of curiosity, not necessity.
Alan: What did you think?
Charlie: It's not my thing. It's like corking the bat. You?
Alan: Yeah, that's what my ex-wife wanted -- more sex with me that lasted longer.
Alan: Did you hear? Grandma's sending you to college!
Jake: Now? I haven't finished my soup!
Charlie: Mom, have you thought this through? Look at him! Maybe there should be one child left behind.
Jake: Now? I haven't finished my soup!
Charlie: Mom, have you thought this through? Look at him! Maybe there should be one child left behind.
Alan: Did you know they [the pizzeria he is delivering for] actually have a little machine that shoots the cheese into the crust?
Charlie: Is that so?
Alan: Yep, it's a little high-pressure gun. Can't kill yourself with it, though. I tried.
Charlie: Is that so?
Alan: Yep, it's a little high-pressure gun. Can't kill yourself with it, though. I tried.
Alan: Did you make the call?
Charlie: Here. Her name's Alexis. She's expecting to hear from you.
Alan: Ooh, Alexis... that-- that's a pretty name.
Charlie: They all have pretty names, Alan. You'll never meet a hooker named "Maude".
Charlie: Here. Her name's Alexis. She's expecting to hear from you.
Alan: Ooh, Alexis... that-- that's a pretty name.
Charlie: They all have pretty names, Alan. You'll never meet a hooker named "Maude".
Alan: Do you have any idea what Isabella is really into?
Charlie: So she's a little kinky!
Alan: No, no, no. "Kinky" is a feather duster up your butt. I think this woman tried to put a curse on me.
Charlie: Oh, please, who of us hasn't done that? To know you is to curse you.
Charlie: So she's a little kinky!
Alan: No, no, no. "Kinky" is a feather duster up your butt. I think this woman tried to put a curse on me.
Charlie: Oh, please, who of us hasn't done that? To know you is to curse you.
Alan: Do you know how to get a 1981 Plymouth Duster moving?
Charlie: Yeah, yank out the eight-track and push it off a cliff.
Charlie: Yeah, yank out the eight-track and push it off a cliff.