Sheldon, what the hell are you doing?
Same thing I've been doing for three days. Trying to figure out why electrons behave as if they have no mass when traveling through a graphene sheet.
I needed something bigger than peas now, didn't I?
Sheldon, when was the last time you got any sleep?
I don't know, two, three days? Not important. I don't need sleep. I need answers. I need to determine where, in this swamp of unbalanced formulas squateth the toad of truth.
[aside to Leonard] The toad of truth? Is that a physics thing?
No, that's a crazy thing.
[making her way to Sheldon] Okay, Sheldon, what happens to our neuro-receptors when we don't get enough REM sleep?
[looks at Bernadette] They lose their sensitivity to seratonin and norepinephrine.
Impaired cognitive function.
Right. [firmly, pointing at his bedroom] So march in there, brush your teeth and go to bed!
[in a childish manner] …But I don't wanna go to bed.
[firmly] I'm gonna count to three. One…
[exasperated] Oh, all right! [leaves]
[shocked] That was amazing how you handled him.
I know how to deal with stubborn children. My mother used to run an illegal daycare center in our basement.
[at the restaurant] What are you doing here?
A reasonable question. I asked myself, "What is the most mind-numbing, pedestrian job conceivable?" and three answers came to mind: tollbooth attendant, Apple Store genius, and what Penny does. Now, since I don't like touching other people's coins, and I refuse to contribute to the devaluation of the word "genius", here I am.
So that's it? You just walked in and they hired you just like that?
Oh, heavens, no! Since I don't have to be paid, I didn't have to be hired. I just walked in, picked up a tray, and started working for the Man.
[bringing Leonard, Howard, and Raj their meals] All right. [to Howard] One bacon cheeseburger, breaking two Jewish dietary restrictions simultaneously. Kudos. [to Raj] Beer-battered fish and chips. Now, here's your tartar sauce. I also brought you salsa. It's a little unconventional, but I think you'll like it. It's zingy. [to Leonard] And for you, factory burrito grande, no cheese, no sour cream, no ugly consequences from your lactose intolerance. Bon appétit.
Hang on. Black beans, not pinto beans?
Lettuce shredded, not chopped?
You understand why I'm doing this to you?
That'll be all. [to Howard and Raj] That was fun.
[About everyone's Valentines Day plans] Okay, to sum up, one giant marble horse [Howard], one...asinine comment [Sheldon], one lonely man and his chicken [Raj] and that leaves...oh that's right! My plans! [no one responds] Isn't anyone gonna ask?
Fine, tell us you're gonna have sex with Penny.
No, that's not was I was going to say.
It's okay, I don't mind hearing about your sex life, it's his [Howard's] that bugs me.
That's not what I was going to say. Guess who the university is sending to see the Hadron Collider in Switzerland?
Professor Norton, although God knows why. He hasn't published anything in years since he won that Nobel prize.
Actually he can't go. He threw his back out rock climbing.
I heard he threw his back out climbing his new girlfriend.
The big boobed weather girl from Channel 2?
Anyway, since he can't go, the university is asking me to fill in for him!
In Switzerland or on the big boobed weather girl?
[Who is trying to cheer up Sheldon] I have an idea, why don't we play one of your car games.
Alright, this game is called Traitors. I will name three historical figures and you will name them in order of the heinousness of their betrayal. Benedict Arnold, Judas, Dr. Leonard Hofstadter.
Do you really think I belong with Benedict Arnold and Judas?
You're right. Judas had the courtesy to hang himself after what he did. OK, round two. Leonard Hofstadter, Darth Vader, Rupert Murdoch,
He owns Fox, and they canceled Firefly. Hint: he and Darth Vader are tied for number two.
Oh my, we're at Stan Lee's front door.
First we were at Stan Lee's curb, than we were at Stan Lee's walk and now we're at Stan Lee's front door. We're going to have milk and cookies with Stan Lee. [Penny rings the doorbell]
Okay, sweetie I don't know if we're gonna have cookies or he's just gonna say hi so let me do the talking and... [Stan Lee comes out]
Hi, I'm Penny and this is my friend Sheldon...
We're not friends at the moment. It depends on how this goes.
Anyway,Sheldon is a huge fan and he was supposed to be at your signing but he kind of, ended up in jail, so we got your address and...
SLStan Lee
Wait, so you just decided to come to my house, uninvited?
You said we were invited.
No Sheldon, I said, I'm inviting you to come with me to Stan Lee's house.
SLStan Lee
You know, you fan boys are unbelievable. You think you can just ring by doorbell anytime you want? [Sarcastically] I mean why don't you just come in and watch the Lakers game with me?
[comes inside] Alright, but I'm not a very much of a sports fan.
[Sheldon comes in the apartment]
I'll tell you where I've been. You boys may have had gelato with Stan Lee, and gotten autographed comics, but I got to see the inside of his house, and got a signed form for a restraining order from him.
Plus I get to hang out with him again, at the hearing. [Walks off to his room] This will look great next to my restraining order from Leonard Nimoy.
Waterfalls, crashing waves, babbling brooks.
Subliminal messaging. I'm going to make you want to pee. Dripping faucets, leaky gutter, peeing.
Oh it's working alright. I have to pee.
Then let go of the ring and go.
Well actually I wouldn't mind going either.
Well on the count of three. 1, 2...
Wait, just to be clear. When we get to three, do we stand up? Or do we pee?
Something tells me this was a bad day to wear suede shoes.
[teaching Sheldon how to calm himself with meditation] OK, Sheldon, imagine the place you feel most at home. Where is that?
Sim City. In particular, the Sim city I designed--Sheldonopolis.
OK, you're in Sheldonopolis,
Where exactly? Sheldon Square? Sheldon Towers? Sheldon Stadium, home of the fighting Sheldons?
I thought this was supposed to be a guided meditation.
Fine, you're in Sheldon Square.
Really? This time of year? It's a bit nippy.
I suppose I could run downtown and pick something up at Shel-Mart.
Yeah, whatever. Just go buy a sweater.
You know, the nice thing about Shel-Mart is I own it, so I get a 15% discount.
You own the damn thing. Just take a freaking sweater!
Look, I didn't turn a profit last quarter by taking product off the shelves willy-nilly.
All right. You've paid for a sweater and you're in Sheldon Square.
Hang on. It's a cardigan. I have to button it. [He does so] Oh no!
A Godzilla-like monster is approaching the city. I have to get my people to safety. People of Sheldonopolis, this is your mayor. Follow me! If the children can't run leave them behind! Oh, the simulated horror! [Raj leaves and slams the door. Sheldon opens his eyes] Raj? [To himself] Just as I suspected. Meditation is nothing but hokum.
I question your premise. How is a new suit going to prevent me from passing out in front of a ballroom full of people?
It'll give you confidence. You know, sometimes when I'm feeling all stressed out about something, I go out and buy a cute top or a fun skirt and I have a whole new outlook on life.
Don't you eventually realize you're just the same stressed out person in a cute top or a fun skirt?
Yeah, that's when I buy shoes. Now, let's see what we've got. Ooh! [showing Sheldon an indigo suit] This is nice.
That's a lot of money for only one colour.
Fine. Why don't you pick out what you like?
Hmm. [Cut to Sheldon exiting changing room in a loud check suit] This is pretty sharp.
Attention all bowlers! I've taken the liberty of having these made for our rematch! [holds up a bowling shirt that reads "Wesley Crushers"]
No, not the Wesley Crushers, the Wesley Crushers.
Wesley Crusher was Wil Wheaton's character on Star Trek.
It's a blindingly clever play on words. By appropriating his character's name and adding the S, we imply that we will be the crushers of Wesley.
OK, I'm sorry honey, but the "Wesley Crushers" sounds like a bunch of people who like Wesley Crusher.
No! Again, it's not the Wesley Crushers, it's the Wesley Crushers.
If you wanted to mean you're crushing Wesley, it'd be the Wesley Crushers.
Do you people even hear yourselves? It's not the Wesley Crushers, it's not the Wesley Crushers, it's the Wesley Crushers!
[enters with his bowling team] Hey look! They named their team after me!
I was talking with Penny.
What's wrong with you? You can't hang out with your roommate's ex. That's totally uncool.
No, it's fine. I don't care. I'm over it.
Yeah, he's over it; that's why he's been whining all day about trying to invent that memory-wiper gizmo from Men in Black.
Is he making any progress? Because I'd like to erase Ben Affleck as Daredevil.
[to himself] So would Ben Affleck. [to Sheldon] The point is, in a situation like this, you gotta pick sides. You're either on Team Leonard or Team Penny.
Usually, I'm on the team that picks last…unless there's a kid in a wheelchair.
