Lassiter: What the hell is going on here?
Shawn: This is called 19-card stud.
Gus: Regular poker is too complicated. It makes it easier to get pairs.
Shawn: Plus anything with a picture is wild.
Lassiter: Why aren't you two out interviewing suspects, or feeling the walls, or whatever the hell it is you do? At least do something!
Shawn: Man, I tried. I did. These people are kind of mean. It's a tough racket being sheriff, Lassie. Besides, I gotta go gun down that Stinky Feet fellow in about 20 minutes.
Gus: Stinky Pete.
Shawn: You wouldn't understand; you've never killed a man.
Lassiter: Yes, I have.
Shawn: Yeah, but you've never pretended to kill one. Repeatedly. I struggle with it every time.
Gus: Two times now.
Shawn: Yep, both times.

Lassiter: You brought a date to the crime scene?
Shawn: It was either this or ice skating.

Major General Felts: I assume you realize this kind of idiocy will not be tolerated on my base!
Shawn: Is there another type of idiocy you would be more comfortable with?

Mary Lightly: I wanted to be heroic.
Shawn: Oh, Mary, with a flare gun?

Mary: Don't leave, Shawn. You will regret it.
Shawn: Good luck with the creepy arm grab awards this year, Mary; I think you've got a real shot at winning.

Nyna Clayton: You believe in karma, don't you?
Shawn: Yes, but that's only because we are karma chameleons.
Gus: We come and go.

Shawn: What are you saying? That he has a hunch based on unverifiable information?
Gus: That's what you use to solve every case!
Shawn: Okay, that stings. It's true, though.

Shawn: [holds up a weapon] What is this?
Ewan O'Hara: That is an anti-tank weapon, and you're pointing it at yourself.

Shawn: [in confession] I've been stealing food that Gus hides in his desk and eating it and then blaming it on the cleaning lady Onini�a.
Gus: [listening from outside] I knew it, I knew it!

Shawn: [looking through a carefully-placed gap in some books on a desk, which show a woman bending over the copier] Your boy liked big butts and I cannot lie.

Shawn: [seeing Gus and Juliet pulling up along side the truck he is held captive in on the highway] Look at you, buddy, you're just like Vin Diesel!
Gus: That makes Jules Michelle Rodriguez, and you Paul Walker!
Shawn: This is no good!
Gus: Don't worry, Shawn, you're gonna make it!
Shawn: No, I know I'll be fine. I just really don't wanna be Paul Walker, not even for a day.
Gus: You could be Lucas Black from Tokyo Drift, but then we wouldn't be in the movie with you!
Shawn: That's weird. I'll just be Walker.

Shawn: [talking about the ATVs] Note to self: Get one of those for the office.
Gus: I hope you have a plan to help us find this crashed plane. And hope that plan doesn't end up with us being eaten by a bear.
Shawn: Don't worry, Gus. We have a secret weapon.
Gus: A larger bear-eating bear?
Shawn: BOOM!
Gus: A map! That's your secret weapon?

Shawn: [writing list on napkin] Okay, here's what I'm going to do. First, I'm going to get me some of that maple candy that everyone seems to be raving about. Then, I'm going to purchase myself a walking stick. Preferably something with a ram's head carved into the handle. And finally, we're going to catch ourselves an international art thief. I'm not saying I'm sure it's going to be you, but right now, you're the top of the list.

Shawn: Also, I put my favorite piece of art back on the wall.
Gus: It's not art, Shawn. It's a picture of a hot blonde laying on a Corvette that says "Haulin' Ass."
Shawn: If it's not art, why did I insure it for half a million dollars?
Gus: That's because you're an idiot.

Shawn: Burton Guster, you randy little spaniel!