Al: [in a Marlon Brando voice] One day I will ask of a favor. Now this day may never come... [normal voice] ... but we both know it probably will!

Al: [singing to the tune of Old McDonald had a Farm] Old McBundy had a farm, B-U-N-D-Y. And on this farm there was no wife, B-U-N-D-Y. With a no wife here, and no kids there, a hooker coming in on Friday nights, big luscious hooters and a pizza and a beer there. Old McBundy had a farm, B-U-N-D-Y.

Al: [three steps away from home plate] Before I cross home plate and bring home the first-ever championship to the Mallers, I would just like to say that... [á la Lou Gehrig] Today... today... today..., I consider you... you... you... the luckiest team on the face of the earth... earth... earth. And in closing I'd like to say, I hate you all, and I thank no one but myself. As of today, I, Al Bundy, am finished with baseball. [takes one step for every letter, the last one jumping on home plate] M... V... P!

Al: Can this be true? Am I not a man I laughed at as a child?
(Bud and his girlfriend walk in)

Al: First thing they teach you when you're a rookie shoe salesman is, when you got a fat one in the chair, never look up. Well, I looked up, Peg. I saw underwear. It said "Saturday."
Peg: So what?
Al: [starts crying] Today's Wednesday.

Al: God, what a day in the shoe store. We had a clearance sale. We had to get rid of all our size 13DDDD. The store was packed with women. Well, there were actually only two in the store, but it was wall to wall.

Al: Hey, Peg -- still on strike?
Peg: What does it look like?
Al: You could be on fire and I wouldn't know.

Al: Hey, wait a minute, guys. I know I'm the new guy here and its not my place to speak up, but what are we doing? We're men. We were put on this planet to... well, I don't know what we're put on this planet to do -- but we're here, damn it! And we're Americans and we have the right to use the best toilet system in the free world. Are we to use the gas station bathroom like some, some common of Russkie? We're being driven from our homes, room from room, running like a Frenchman from a cap gun. And from whom? From our women. They've taken our closets, driven us out our bedrooms by their very nakedness. Now, you guys can take it, but not this Yankee Doodie Dandy. Tonight, I'm reclaiming my toilet bowl.
Men cheer Al on; Al goes home
Man #2: How about yourself?
Man #1: I am taking my chances in there!
Man goes into broken bathroom
Bundy residence. Al enters to the tune of Bad to the Bone. He eats multiple tacos and drinks hot sauce from the bottle. Al heads up to the bathroom. Two minutes later, Peg and all of her classmates from interior decorating school flee Bundy residence
Screen crawl: And the very next day, Al got his bathroom back.

Al: I don't have to fall asleep after sex. I want to fall asleep after sex. I welcome the darkness.

Al: I have a strange yearning for some melons. [sees Marcy] and a plucked chicken.

Al: I have the perfect plan to figure this whole thing out. Now what we'll do is we'll just sit here and we'll name every song that was ever made until we get it.

Al: I lost the pictures.
Aliens pose for new pictures
Al: No, sorry, guys, I busted the camera in my anger. Nothing ever goes right for me. Sometimes I wonder if Al Bundy was ever meant to be in this universe at all.
Aliens put arms over Al in support
Al: Thanks, guys. You can have my socks. By the way, what do you need them for?
Aliens: PEZUZU.
Subtitle: FUEL.
Narrator: It was a time of great darkness. A giant comet cut a path of destruction through the universe. The one man who could save them all was unappreciated on his homeworld. But on planet Preludon, they still sing songs about the man whose socks created fuel for the ships that battled the comet and stopped it, savings hundreds of worlds to include Earth. This man's name? Al Bundy!

Al: I was not born to be a busboy. I'm a shoe-man born & bred damn it.

Al: Luckily the cop liked oldies, so he beat me with his nightstick to the tune of "Hey Jude." Then he wrote me up 18 tickets, including the one for bleeding on his pad.

Al: Once upon a time, there was a man who sold shoes. He was a good man, but somehow, good things never came to him. Did I mention he was a great athlete in high school? People cheered him. That was before the...Red THING appeared. Darkness fell on Shoetown. Who would take on the Red Beast? Who would battle? Who would marry it? The little shoeman stepped forward. Or perhaps the others just stepped back? At any rate, an unholy union was born. So were two unholy children. And the lowly shoeman, who once had been a mighty athlete in high school and scored 4 touchdowns in one game and had many offers to junior colleges and could've made something of his life! Laid down, and died. The End.