Dennis: You know what I'm concerned about? I don't want to get too bulky. I want to stay nice and lean and tight. I want to get that Jesus on the cross look.
Sweet Dee: I see what you're saying. I think that crucifixion must have been really good for your core.
Dennis: Oh absolutely. Jesus had like the best abs. He had the right idea. He knew no pain no gain.

Employer: And you included in your specialties, "Taking care of buisness"?
Charlie: Mmm Hmm
Mac: Mmm Hmm T.C.O.B.
Charlie: Mmm Hmm

Frank: Don't even joke about hunting no man.
Dennis: Who's joking? I'm not joking.
Frank: Oh yeah? Well, I was hunted once. I'd just came back from 'Nam. I was hitching through Oregon and some cop started harassing me. Next thing you know, I had a whole army of cops chasing me through the woods! I had to take 'em all out--it was a bloodbath!
[everyone pauses awkwardly]
Charlie: That's 'Rambo', dude.
Frank: What?
Charlie: You just described the plot of 'Rambo'.
[Mac, Dennis, and Charlie all agree at once]
Dennis: Yeah, and come to think of it, that's not the first time you've described your life in the way of John Rambo's life.
Frank: Hey street rat!

Frank: This slot defeats the purpose. I can see your eyes! We might as well get married.
Dennis: It's the safest way, Frank.
Frank: Dennis, if I was looking for safe I wouldn't be sticking my dick through a wall.

Frank: You gotta pay the troll toll to get into this boy's hole. You gotta pay the troll toll to get in. You want this baby boy's hole, you gotta pay the troll toll.
Charlie: Stop, stop, stop. All right not bad, good rhythm, love the enthusiasm. I feel like you're saying "boy's hole", and it's clearly "soul". And I know, Artemis, you did write "soul", right?
Artemis: [writing on her script] I did write "soul". I definitely did.

Frank: You're not calling the cops! They'll find the bug I'm gonna plant!
Dee: That's a baby monitor, Frank. You're planting a baby monitor?
Frank: Yeah, a lot of people are bugging their babies these days... I guess babies can't be trusted...
Dee: What are you expecting to find?
Frank: Lot of shady shit.
Dee: Like what?
Frank: Like maybe Bruce is banging dudes!
Dee: Why would that be shady?
Frank: Maybe the dudes are babies!
Dee: What?! Bruce is not banging any baby dudes!!
[The gang driving in the rape van]

Mac: How are we suppose to scale back our energy costs when you are filling this generator with gasoline?
Dennis: Yeah bro, since when did you start running the bar on a gas generator?
Charlie: About a week ago. I've been doing it for about a week.
Dennis: Why would you do that?!
Charlie: Well because you know electricity is so expensive man. So I figured let's get a generator and you know run the bar on it.
Dennis: Are you kidding me?! Gasoline is like a thousand times more expensive than electricity!
Mac: You know what Charlie, you shouldn't be making these decisions anyway, okay? You're not the decision making type. As the brains of this organization, I should have made this decision.
Dennis: Hey, whoa, whoa, I'm sorry. Since when did you become the brains?
Mac: Uhh...I'm sorry. I've always been the brains.
Dennis: What?! What are you talking about? I thought I was the brains. What the hell am I?
Mac: You're the looks.
Dennis: Well, yeah, of course I'm the looks, but I always thought of myself as the brains and the looks.
Mac: No, you're the looks, I'm the brains, and Charlie is the wildcard. That's...
Charlie: Whoa! That's awesome.
Mac: Yeah! Yeah, that's the classic setup. You know this, no? Look, every great crew in history has followed that basic dynamic, right? Looks, brains, wildcard. Think about it! The A-team did it. Scooby Doo did it. The Ghostbusters did it!
Charlie: Oh shit!
Mac: Yes! Right? Our problem is that we don't stick to that basic format and it gets us in trouble.
Dennis: So what you're saying is that by breaking from that format, we're actually limiting our ability to be as successful as those organizations.
Charlie: You're totally right, dude.
Mac: Great, onto the matter at hand. We're getting plowed in the ass by the oil companies and the gas companies with their ten gallon hats and their rotten ass-plowing hearts. So, as the brains of this organization, I came up with a plan.
Dennis: Lay it on us, bud.
Mac: It involves us pulling up our bootstraps, oiling up a couple of asses, and doing a little plowing of our own. [long pause] Not gay sex.
Charlie: Ah...okay, 'cause that's what it sounded like. What did you mean...
Mac: We're gonna solve the gas crisis!
Charlie: Oh, good!

Mac: Kaboom!
Dee: Surprise, bitches! We're alive and it's blowing your minds right now!
Charlie: Hahahahahaha!
Dennis: No, it is not blowing our minds at all. I knew you guys were alive.
Charlie: Huh?
Dennis: Yeah, I knew you guys were alive, okay? I figured it out right before the funeral.
Mac: How?
Dennis: 'Cause I could hear you guys rustling around in the vents. You were speaking at full volume. Okay? Did you think you were being like crafty? And I could see you staring at me through the window. You know I can see through my windows, right? I wanted to piss you off.
Dee: Well what about me? Did you want to piss me off?
Dennis: Uhh...you I thought might have actually been murdered.
Dee: That's what I thought.
Charlie: So hold on a second. So, Frank, you knew too?
Frank: Yeah...[meekly nodding] I knew.
Charlie: And some of this stuff you've been doing with this mannequin here, that's like uh...to teach me a lesson or...?
Frank: [Long pause] Yeah.
Charlie: Did I see you bang that thing?

Mac: Wait...the brakes...the brakes aren't working.
Frank: The gas pedal...
Mac: Brakes aren't working. No, I'm saying...no, the brakes.
Frank: Wiggle it, it gets better...
Mac: Guys, why aren't the brakes working!
Charlie: Because I cut the brakes! Wildcard, bitches! Yeeeeehaaaaw!!! [jumps out of the back of the van]

Mac: This is the perfect opportunity! I'm gonna hang out in his office and pretend I'm the new guy.
Charlie: Uh, I don't think that's gonna work, dude.
Mac: Uh, have you seen The Secret of My Succe$s?
Charlie: Uhhh, they're gonna catch on to you.
Mac: Uhhh, yeah, but before they do, I will come up with an idea that'll save the company millions and they'll be forced to promote me!
Charlie: Uhhhhhhhh, are you sure? How's that movie end, dude?
Mac: Uhhhh...I can't remember it. Oh, Yeah! He bangs that old lady, and then they play that song from the 80's. "Day Bow Bow".
Charlie: What the hell's "Day Bow Bow"?
Mac: [singing Yello's "Oh Yeah"] Day Bow Bow. Chik. Chik-chika!

Mac: Your body quit, your bird quit, and unfortunately it's no longer legit.

Parole Guy: You're claiming that your father threatened to, quote, eat the living shit out of you.
Mac: Uh, that is correct.
Parole Guy: Mr. Kelly, in your sworn statement to police, you claimed the prisoner told you that if you didn't, quote, jam a bunch of stuff in your butt, he was going to rape you so hard the room would stink.
Parole Guy: Then, he was going to, quote, eat your butt and your son's butt in the stink, until his stomach was full of your... butts. Is this correct?
Charlie: That is also correct.

Rob: [gets in Dennis' face] Watch your ass new meat!

Sinbad: Yo, punk, wake up!
Dennis: What the hell?!
Sinbad: Yeah, you in hell all right! You know what? My name is Sinbad. This is Sinbad's house, and when you in Sinbad's house, you my bitch! Yeah, you know who that is? That's Rob Thomas - Matchbox Twenty. [to Rob] Sing a song.
Rob: [Inhales]
Sinbad: Shut up!
Dennis: Matchbox Twenty? Ooh.
Sinbad: Oh, you the man, huh? You gonna punk him like that?
Dennis: No, no, no.
Sinbad: Stay back ,man, no, matter of fact unleash the fury. Get his shoe! Beat his testicles!
Dennis: No, no, no! Don't beat my test...come on. Rob Thomas and Sinbad, uh. Look man, I'm pretty confused about what I'm seeing here and I'm in a lot of pain. I just don't know whats going on.
Sinbad: Oh it's the pain, huh? My bad, you know I ain't know you was hurting like that. My bad cause I've hurt before, you've hurt before, we all hurt. So I'm-a just break it down now, introduce myself right, that's wrong. I'm Sinbad, that's my headshot. I'll autograph that for you a little later on. And this is Sinbad's house, and you my bitch!

Spin Class Instructor: Ma'am if you just had a heart attack maybe you shouldn't be working out.
Sweet Dee: Well maybe you shouldn't dress like a bumblebee, bitch!