Archer quotes

339 total quotes

Cyril: Kreiger's father was a nazi scientist!
Malory: And JFK's father was a bootlegger.
Cyril: That's like comparing apples to... nazi oranges!
Malory: Oranges, exactly! Do you like powdered orange breakfast drink?
Cyril: No. Not Really.
Malory: How about Microwave ovens, Neil Armstrong, hook and loop fasteners?
Cyril: Ok, you lost me...
Malory: None of those things would have been possible without the nazi scientists we brought back after World War Two.
Cyril: The nazis invented Neil Armstrong?
Malory: Rockets! Which put him on the moon. After the war ended, we were snatching up kraut scientists like hot cakes. You don't believe me? walk into NASA sometime and yell "Heil Hitler" WOOP they all jump straight up!

Archer: Holy shit, our security is atrocious. Seriously, it's really bad.
[He sits at the computer, which prompts him for a password]
Archer: Password. Hmm, password? How about "Guest".
[He types in "Guest" and it works]
Archer: No way. It can't be. Jesus Christ, that is just... babytown frolics.

Archer: [to Babou the ocelot while handcuffed in a police car] They called you exotic. Which is just people talk for awesome. Which you are, which is why I am so happy I saved your life, buddy. [Babou growls and squeaks to him] Don't worry, probably just thousands of dollars in fines, maybe a little bit of jail time, hopefully just probation. [Babou leans forward and urinates on the car seat next to Archer. Archer speaks in a strained voice] Totally worth it. [Babou growls] No, Babou, that was all sarcasm. [more growls] YES, ALL OF IT, YOU FOX-EARED ASSHOLE!

Archer: Frickin' ODIN.
Lana: How many are there?
Archer: About a gillion.
Lana: Dammit.
Archer: A gillion gay, little copy-cats.
Lana: What?
Archer: I didn't invent the turtleneck, Lana. But I was the first to see it's potential as a tactical garment. The Tactical Turtleneck, Lana. The... Tactleneck!

Archer: I've always wanted to fight on top of a moving train.
Bilko: Well, if I know my boys, you might get your chance, big guy.
Archer: Thanks, Freddy Foreshadowing.

Anka: I'm from Germany, where the age of consent is 14.
Archer: What is it, the Alabama of Europe?
Anka: In many ways, yes.

Archer: Fuck you, Switzerland

Archer: AGH! Eat a dick, jungle!

Archer: [While being choked by Barry] Wow, Barry, you're like super-strong!
Barry: Yeah, did I mention I'm a cyborg?

Archer: [Describing an Ocelot's paw-prints] They look just like a housecat's, but bigger and awesomer.

Major Jackov: [Discussing his plan to kidnap Archer] Turn him into, how you say, vole?
Russian Soldier: I think you mean mole.
Major Jackov: Ah?
Russian Soldier: Mole. Vole is also rodent but more closely related to lemming.

Archer: What are you doing?
Cyril: Oh. Just dicing veggies for dinner. I always make Lana stirfry for dinner on Friday.
Archer: Neat. Listen...
Cyril: [very excitedly] Guess what we call it!
Archer: "Stir Friday?"
Cryil: [long pause] Wow. That's actually better.
Archer: It's all yours. So come let me in the mainframe.
Archer: And after I gave you "Stir Friday!"
Cyril: Yeah, that is much better.
Archer: I know.

Archer: [To Lana] Oh, OK! Then, I guess just pout!

Randy: Do you want to have sex with my wife?
Archer: No! I... I swear, this was just an extremely unlikely mishap with the barbed wire.
Randy: Because we would be amenable to that. Well? Why do you look so nonplussed?
Archer: Because I wasn't sure if you knew what "amenable" actually meant, until you followed it up with "nonplussed."

Archer: [To Barry] How are you not dead?
Barry: The Russians turned me into the unholy abomination of metal fused with flesh that now stands before you.