Archer quotes

339 total quotes

Archer: Krieger, who's virtual girlfriend is so real that the state of New York is allowing him to legally marry her!

Archer: Paging Doctor Boy, Doctor Birthday Boy!

Archer: What have I been doing?
Lana: Chain-smoking joints the size of tampons!
Archer: Ew!
Lana: Figure of speech.
Archer: Still, though.
Lana: Are you not rampaging? I thought you were rampaging.

Archer: Yup, Stage Two breast cancer. Yeah, I mean it's not as bad as stage three or four. But, obviously not as good as no cancer.

Archer: [as Mallory rings a dinner bell] Wow. Forgot how much I hate that.
Malory: Oh, that's right. I kept it on the nightstand to wake nanny whenever Sterling wet the bed.
Archer: [as everybody laughs] Mother!
Cheryl: Wait, whose bed?
Woodhouse: It was always "don't ask, don't tell."
Archer: Woodhouse! What are you doing?!
Woodhouse: Uh, sitting down, sir.
Archer: What, at the table?!
Malory: Sterling.
Archer: Like people?!
Malory: Sterling!
Archer: What?! Look, he thinks he's people!

Archer: [Climbing to the top of the moving train] This is going to be awe-- SHIIIIITT! [The wind causes Archer to lose his gun] AHHHH! The dust! It's like being shot in the eyes by a... glitter gun! [Puts on night vision goggles] There, that ought to do it. Okay, let's try this aga-- [Gets blinded by the lights of a passing train] AAARGHSHIIIITTTT! My retinas are seared like tuna steaks!!! ALL I WANT IS TO FIGHT ON TOP OF A TRAIN! IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK?! [Switches off the night-vision on his goggles] The good news is, now I'm furious.

Archer: [Holding a radioactive vial] Looking for this? Or maybe the lead container I probably should've kept it in?

Archer: [On Cyril being a field agent] The last time I tried to train him resulted in a dead hooker in my trunk!
Cyril: There was no dead hooker.
Archer: There could have been!

Archer: [sounding like Cyril] Hello...
Malory: What in the name of prepaid venereal disease do you think your doing?
Archer: I... uh...
Katya: Darling, I know she is old, but you allow such talk from your secretary?

Archer: [Spotting Spelvin's bikini-clad Asian ninja bodyguards] I'm suddenly much less angry.

Archer: [Stifling laughter] Woodhouse: he's all tied up somewhere, sc-scared and alone. PROBABLY DEHYDRATED!

Archer: [talking about a mind control chip placed in a rabbit] Can you put it in a person's brain?
Krieger: [pause] It'd suffocate...
Archer: Not the rabbit, idiot; the chip.
Krieger: Oh, yes. Absolutely.
Archer: Without killing the person?
Krieger: Oh. [pause] Maybe?

Archer: [to Babou the ocelot while handcuffed in a police car] They called you exotic. Which is just people talk for awesome. Which you are, which is why I am so happy I saved your life, buddy. [Babou growls and squeaks to him] Don't worry, probably just thousands of dollars in fines, maybe a little bit of jail time, hopefully just probation. [Babou leans forward and urinates on the car seat next to Archer. Archer speaks in a strained voice] Totally worth it. [Babou growls] No, Babou, that was all sarcasm. [more growls] YES, ALL OF IT, YOU FOX-EARED ASSHOLE!

Archer: [to Pam] I'll throw these doughnuts on the ground so you can pretend they're marbles and you're a hungry hungry... [Pam abruptly shuts the door on Archer] ...hungry hippo.

Archer: [Wearing only a towel and baseball catcher's mask] WOODHOUSE! Do we have any lube? Like at this point even some olive oil would [finds his mother in the living room] help me get that drawer unstuck.