You Can't Do That on Television quotes

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All Seasons
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Christine: Some people have asked us, "Why doesn't anyone in the studio laugh at our jokes, like on other comedy shows?" Well, the truth is, they're not really laughing on other comedy shows. What you're hearing is canned laughter, like this. [A few seconds of a canned laugh track plays.] They put that on there to try to make you laugh, in case you don't laugh at their jokes. We, however, do not do this. [Dramatic music begins to play in the background as Christine speaks.] We believe comedy should stand on its own! We have faith in the discernment, intelligence and good taste of you, our viewing audience! -- And also, canned laughter costs a lot; we can't afford it. [The dramatic music abruptly ends. Ironically, despite Christine's badmouthing of canned laughter in this sketch, canned laughter would become part of the spinoff "Whatever Turns You On" a few months later, and of "YCDTOTV" itself by 1982.]

Bradfield: Dad, what's the definition of "ignorance and apathy"?
Senator Prevert: I don't know, and I don't give a sh-... care.

[Mr. Schidtler is returning test papers]
Sarah: Hey Moose, I think he likes me!
Christine: What makes you say that?
Sarah: Well, he put all these kisses on my paper!
[Sarah shows Christine her test paper covered with red "X"'s]
Christine: She's so naive.

Jim: Sir, is is true that when we're in school, the teachers take the place of our parents?
Mr. Schidtler: That's right. You see, Stechyson, when you are in school, I am in loco parentis, exactly like your father.
Mr. Schidtler: [puzzled] ...Was it something I said?

Mr. Dime: [emerging from the Executive Washroom, having used it after Seth Pool unwittingly walked off with all the toilet paper] Ugh, 15 $20 bills! I'll never eat bran muffins again... ohhhh...

Mr. Dime: [on the phone] Well then, double padlock it this time! I don't want anyone using that executive washroom except the executives! ... What? ... I don't CARE how much it's going to cost! Last time someone else got in there and they took, they took all the toilet tissue! It cost me over $300! ... Never MIND how! None of your business! Just get that place locked up!

Christine: [seeing the money the "network people" left on the link set] These network people treat money as if it were toilet paper!

a blooper from the original live and local version of this episode, as aired in 1981 on CJOH:
Kevin Kubusheskie: So, come on down to Camp Fortune, because... (gets blank look on his face, and turns to Moose) ...because???
Christine: (still walking around the link set carrying her "On Strike" sign) Listen, I'm not gonna tell ya they have to answer the question, all right?
Kevin K.: Oh yeah, and answer a simple question. ... What is it, Rod?
Rodney: Well, the question is, "What is the name of our floor director"?
Christine: HEY! Hey, I know that one! Yeah, I know, I know!
Ross: No, wait a minute, you can't play, because you're on strike! Heh heh!
Christine: Aw...
Kevin Schenk: Anyway, if you see our Mystery Skiier, all you have to do is come down to Camp Fortune, and find out what Ross's name is. (realizes what he has just said) Ross? ... Aww....
Christine: (smacks Kevin in the head with her sign) Youuuuuuu LUNKHEAD! Ugh! ... Well, what about the last thing?
Kevin K.: (blankly) What last thing?
Christine: The Roving Camera! JEEZ!
Kevin K.: Oh yeah, and that's where our Roving Camera will be, so come on down and tell a joke or give us your views on dating... (grins mischeviously) girls.
Christine: Oh, and boys! Don't forget boys!
Kevin S.: Shut up, Moose, you're on strike!

Christine: On water safety - the safest thing to do on this show is not to mention water.
[Christine is drenched and shrieks]
Christine: See what I mean?
[More water is poured on Christine, and she shrieks again]

Rodney: In my school, they have washrooms for boys, washrooms for girls, and washrooms for teachers. Now, what I want to know is, are teachers a different sex from everyone else?

Brodie: They think with all these jokes about washrooms, I'm going to be dumb enough to mention water? Well, I'm NOT! ... Oh, no... I just did!
[Christine throws a bucket of water on Brodie]
Brodie: That's not fair!
Christine: Oh, yes it is. You guys wanted to do the links just like me! Well, that's what happens to me every week - sometimes TWICE.
[Christine throws another bucket of water on Brodie]
Brodie: Now that was truly not fair!

Brodie: [Sees Christine standing above him on a ladder, holding a bucket of slime] What are you doing up there, Moose?
Christine: Well, I'm just standing here with this bucket full of coagulating green slime, waiting for you to say the magic words so I can dump it all over you.
Brodie: What magic words?
Christine: The magic words, "I don't know"! ... Oops, I didn't say that, did I? Oh no...
[Christine is slimed, and Brodie laughs hysterically]
Christine: That's not fair! I didn't - I - I - I...

Mr. Schidtler: So there it is, kids. The proof is evident, it's beyond question that a certain substance in tobacco smoke causes mice to develop cancer. Now what does this suggest?
Kevin: Oh! Sir!
Mr. Schidtler: Schenk?
Kevin: We should encourage mice to smoke, sir.

Jami: Hey Moose, we Indians gave the white man tobacco and taught him how to smoke.
Christine: Well I'm sure your ancestors meant well, Jami, but from what we know now about smoking, I don't think it was such a good idea.
Jami: Meant well? You gotta be kidding! We wanted all the white men to die of lung cancer.
Christine: Thanks.
Jami: No sweat. [grabs Christine around the neck and starts to strangle her]

Christine: When my dad tried to give up smoking, he offered me a dollar every time I caught him with a cigarette. I've never been so rich in my life.