'Meg: You believe me?
Veronica: Meg, you're the last good person at this school. I'd believe cartoon birds braided your hair this morning. If you want, I can find who posted that test for you. We'll clear your name and make somebody pay.
Meg: Really?
Veronica: Unless there is a Fairy Godmother already on it.

Aaron: [in jail] So...to what do I owe the pleasure?
Kendall: I'm here to tempt you, Aaron.
Aaron: Well, mission accomplished. Or should I say...with what?
Kendall: Huge tracts of land...more action than I can handle. I'm here to offer you a piece.
Aaron: So I guess Big Dick still has his fingers in a few pies, huh?
Kendall: My husband's got quite a reach. Some are saying that he might be working abroad. [winks] Aaron, how would you like to walk out of here a richer man?
Aaron: Ahh! You're cash-strapped. No I get it. I can help. But... [imitating Hannibal Lecter] quid pro quo, Mrs. C. Quid pro quo. F-f-f-f-f-f-f.
Kendall: Impressive Hannibal. Well, they told me the glass is bulletproof, but I'm betting I could talk you through it. [unbuttons her top]

Clemmons: Mr. Echolls, I was wondering if I could have a word?
Logan: "Anthropomorphic." All yours, big guy.
Clemmons: Oh. [fake laugh] Your father has generously offered to donate a pair of boots for our school fundraising auction.
Logan: Not the ones made for walking? God, I love those boots.

Cliff: They've set a trial date sixty days from today.
Logan: Whatever will I wear?
Cliff: The D.A. is offering a one-time deal, a plea bargain.
Logan: I'm not interested.
Cliff: You should be. They're talking involuntary manslaughter. That brings your maximum sentence down from eleven years to four. With good behavior - if you could muster some - you'd be out in half that.
Logan: [incredulous] Two years?
Cliff: Logan, [sighs] let me remind you the prosecution has witnesses. The good kind - eyewitnesses.
Logan: Cholo lowlives and a lying cokehead plastic surgeon.
Cliff: A prominent, well-respected cokehead doctor. And how many jurors you think we can find in Neptune who haven't been exposed to your winning charm in the "Tinseltown Diaries"? Jurors love convicting smug, rich boys - it's a fact. I've asked around - and I hope this isn't news to you, but no one likes you.
Logan: Even if I had stabbed Felix, which I didn't, it would've been self defense. I got jumped by a gang. Argue that.
Cliff: I plan to, but the doctor didn't see a gang. He saw three bikers, one of them bleeding to death, a knife in your hand. He'll testify that you weren't in peril when you stabbed Felix.
Logan: No deal.
Cliff: Well, if it helps you decide on your wardrobe, I'll be wearing an "I'm with Stupid" T-shirt.

Cliff: I want to emphasize this should not be construed as coercion. We're just showing you a picture. [shows Lamb a photo of him and Madison]
Keith: That's Madison Sinclair, who I believe takes World History with my daughter.
Lamb: [looks around, lowers his voice] So, what? This is blackmail? She's 18. That's legal.
Keith: Sounds like a swell campaign slogan for the next election. [shows him a "campaign flyer": 18 - It's Legal! Re-Elect Don Lamb]

Ben: [talking to Veronica] Is it okay if he goes outside? [referring to Logan] I would like to talk to you.
Logan: Dream on, Jump Street, I'm not leaving you alone with her.

Butters: Marcos wasn't gay.
Veronica: You sure about that?
Butters: Positive. He talked about chicks all the time. He wasn't a fairy; he was a Playboy-loving booty hound.
Veronica: Do me a favor: never describe me.

Clemmons: Look, I'm just the vice-principal. Anything I say on the subject has to be cleared by the principal, so -
Veronica: So you're just a powerless factotum and I should talk to Principal Moorehead?
Clemmons: Yes... Exactly.

Clemmons: I can't decide if my life is going to be easier or more difficult with you gone. Anything I should know in case I get another one like you someday?
Veronica: Don't keep all your passwords taped on the bottom of your stapler. And stay cool, Mr. C.

Big Dick: When I'm working, my family doesn't exist. Sound awful?
Logan: Mmm, no.
Big Dick: It's not. 'Cause when I'm with my family, work doesn't exist.
Logan: Yeah, I think my dad has a similar philosophy. Of course, he's a murderer, so...

Aaron: Have you heard from your sister?
Logan: She sent a telegram. Heartbroken. Stop. Can't make it back from Sydney. Stop. Underwater shoot starts tomorrow. Stop. Entire crew said prayer for Mom. Stop. Love you. Stop.
Aaron: Logan...
Logan: Stop?

Cliff: It's called self-surrender. At the negotiated time - five days hence - Wallace Fennel will turn himself into the Neptune sheriff's department, who will oversee his transfer to the Chicago police.
Wallace: What if I'm not there?
Cliff: Then they'll issue a warrant, you'll be arrested, probably found guilty, and end up "married" to some enormous murderer named Tiny. My advice? Be punctual.
Veronica: Or prove your innocence.
Cliff: Or that. Suit yourself.

Cliff: Who wants out of jail?
Veronica: I do! I do!

Beaver: [after blowing up the plane] I know this might be a [snickers] bad time to ask for a favor... How would you feel, now that you have nothing left to live for, about just rolling yourself off? It's just, I really don't want your DNA all over my shirt.
Season 3

Troy: Flat?
Veronica: Just as God made me.
Troy: Are you always this persnickety?
Veronica: Sometimes I'm even persnicketier.