Two and a Half Men quotes

728 total quotes



Alan: I'm just saying, maybe they have something that we don't and that's why she wants them.
Charlie: Who wants two gay guys and a Chinese kid?

Alan: I-- I'm sorry, I'm a little cranky. I-- I haven't slept in two days.
Jake: Why don't you take a pill?
Charlie: He doesn't believe in pills.
Jake: How can you not believe in them? They're on TV all the time!
Alan: Let me tell you something, Jake: Big pharmaceutical companies want you to think you can take a pill for everything. Can't sleep? Take a pill. Can't wake up? Take a pill. Feeling sad? Take a pill. Can't get it up? Take a pill.
Jake: Can't get what up?

Alan: In my entire life, Chester is the only living thing I ever slept with that didn't sue me for alimony.
Conversation between Jake and Charlie in the living room, while watching TV...

Alan: Jake can have a little brother-- that would be a blessing for him, would it?
Herb: Oh, I don't know if I want more kids.
Alan: Then wear a condom. Besides, Jake's used to being an only child.
Charlie: If there was a new one, he'd probably eat it by mistake.

Alan: Knock 'em dead at the audition.
Kandi: Thanks. And thanks for lending me your chiropractor coat. It makes me feel like a real doctor.
Charlie: Now you know why Alan wears it.

Alan: Looks like you had a tough night.
Charlie: No, the night was great. It's the morning that's killing me!

Alan: Oh, let's face it: we're both too old for the MTV lifestyle.
Charlie: MTV? Did they just defrost you?

Alan: Oh, would you please just get your drunken ass out of bed and stop being a waste of skin for once in your life?!
Charlie: Well, since you said "please".

Alan: OK, listen, we-- we haven't really, uh, talked about what all this means.
Jake: What what means?
Alan: All the big changes that are happening.
Jake: It's just a couple of hairs, Dad. It's not that big a deal.

Alan: Since when do you have a wet suit?
Charlie: Since I moved to the beach and noticed that it was full of hot surfer chicks. [blows dust off his surfboard] If I lived next to Jellystone Park, I'd have a bear suit and a "pic-a-nic" basket.

Alan: So you understand the situation?
Kandi: I think so. Now that we're not married anymore, you want to sell my condo.
Alan: No, no, it's-- it's our condo. I got it for us. Not the smartest thing I ever did, but my real estate advisor was my penis.
Kandi: Is that what they mean when they say the market's gone soft?

Alan: Thanks for taking Jake back to Judith's.
Charlie: No problem. Sorry I had to send Mom in there.
Alan: No, no, you, uh... you did the right thing. I needed a good slap in the face. Although with Mom it's more like a nailgun to the testicles.

Alan: There you go. One hot chocolate for the lactating mommy.
Naomi: Thank you.
Alan: I see little Brittany Pam is having the grande boobaccino.
Naomi: Yeah, and she's biting the straw.

Alan: What a day. Just sitting and sitting and sitting.
Charlie: Huh.
Alan: It was like jury duty, without the fun of sending someone to jail.

Alan: What do you want from me? I-- I went out to the club, I went to the after-hours club, I went out to breakfast! I held my date's hair while she vomited pancakes in the parking lot!
Charlie: Well, if you weren't whining about wanting to go home, you'd be having sex with her right now.
Alan: Oh, darn. What man doesn't dream of kissing second-hand pancakes?