Two and a Half Men quotes
728 total quotesAlan: Is there anything in your shower I need to know about?
Charlie: Come on. That's the most action you've had in months!
Alan: I have a loose tooth.
Charlie: Can't you just be happy for me? The woman I love is back in my life!
Alan: That's great. I'm thrilled. I can't eat apples.
Charlie: I'll bring you back some applesauce from Lisa's. Her kid needs to lay off the fiber, anyway.
Charlie: Come on. That's the most action you've had in months!
Alan: I have a loose tooth.
Charlie: Can't you just be happy for me? The woman I love is back in my life!
Alan: That's great. I'm thrilled. I can't eat apples.
Charlie: I'll bring you back some applesauce from Lisa's. Her kid needs to lay off the fiber, anyway.
Alan: It's just for a couple of days.
Charlie: Oh, a couple of days. Jack the Ripper only killed a couple of prostitutes, but it was still wrong!
Alan: What do you want me to do, put her in a hotel?
Charlie: Yeah, put her in a hotel! Put her in a space capsule! Put her in a catapult and see how far she flies!
Alan: Charlie, I can't do that to her.
Charlie: Again, have you even tried?
Charlie: Oh, a couple of days. Jack the Ripper only killed a couple of prostitutes, but it was still wrong!
Alan: What do you want me to do, put her in a hotel?
Charlie: Yeah, put her in a hotel! Put her in a space capsule! Put her in a catapult and see how far she flies!
Alan: Charlie, I can't do that to her.
Charlie: Again, have you even tried?
Alan: Now, what year did Magellan circumnavigate the globe?
Jake: It's not gonna be on the test.
Alan: Maybe not, but it wouldn't hurt for you to know it anyway.
Jake: Why would I want to know something I don't have to?
Alan: Because maybe you'll need to know it in the future.
Jake: Well, then that's when I'll learn it!
Alan: Why can't you just learn it now?
Jake: 'Cause there's only so much space in my brain that if you put Magellan in there, I might forget my locker combination.
Jake: It's not gonna be on the test.
Alan: Maybe not, but it wouldn't hurt for you to know it anyway.
Jake: Why would I want to know something I don't have to?
Alan: Because maybe you'll need to know it in the future.
Jake: Well, then that's when I'll learn it!
Alan: Why can't you just learn it now?
Jake: 'Cause there's only so much space in my brain that if you put Magellan in there, I might forget my locker combination.
Alan: Oh, are you, uh, starting that book report already?
Jake: Just making notes.
Alan: Good for you! What do you have so far?
Jake: Lord of the Flies is kind of like Survivor, but with kids.
Alan: Huh! That's, uh... that's an interesting analogy! Uh, what's your favorite part?
Jake: Um... when the first kid gets voted off the island?
Jake: Just making notes.
Alan: Good for you! What do you have so far?
Jake: Lord of the Flies is kind of like Survivor, but with kids.
Alan: Huh! That's, uh... that's an interesting analogy! Uh, what's your favorite part?
Jake: Um... when the first kid gets voted off the island?
Alan: OK, uh, just make sure Jake goes to bed early. He's got karate in the morning.
Charlie: Which, of course, you'll be back for.
Alan: Charlie, trust me.
Charlie: You, I trust. It's him [points toward Alan's penis] I'm worried about.
Charlie: Which, of course, you'll be back for.
Alan: Charlie, trust me.
Charlie: You, I trust. It's him [points toward Alan's penis] I'm worried about.
Alan: Our pediatrician. My ex-wife is sleeping with our... pediatrician. [breaks the head off the giraffe]
Charlie: I wonder if she gets a lollipop after every visit.
Charlie: I wonder if she gets a lollipop after every visit.
Alan: She [Sherri] invited me to her house for dinner tonight. I think she wants to have sex.
Charlie: With who?
Alan: With me.
Charlie: With you. Hang on a second. [looks at the newspaper] Nope, no snowballs reported in Hell... no sightings of flying pigs...
Charlie: With who?
Alan: With me.
Charlie: With you. Hang on a second. [looks at the newspaper] Nope, no snowballs reported in Hell... no sightings of flying pigs...
Alan: So this is pretty cool, huh, Jake? An electric car.
Jake: I guess. What happens when the batteries run out?
Alan: You plug it in and recharge it.
Jake: Yeah, but what if there's a blackout?
Charlie: Then you sit in the back seat with a loaded pistol and wait for the looters just like any other car.
Alan: Charlie...
Charlie: It's a cool car, Jake.
Jake: Greg has a really cool car. He has a Hummer.
Charlie: You know, your Uncle Charlie's no stranger to Hummers.
Alan: Charlie...
Charlie: That's a cool car, too, Jake.
Jake: I guess. What happens when the batteries run out?
Alan: You plug it in and recharge it.
Jake: Yeah, but what if there's a blackout?
Charlie: Then you sit in the back seat with a loaded pistol and wait for the looters just like any other car.
Alan: Charlie...
Charlie: It's a cool car, Jake.
Jake: Greg has a really cool car. He has a Hummer.
Charlie: You know, your Uncle Charlie's no stranger to Hummers.
Alan: Charlie...
Charlie: That's a cool car, too, Jake.
Alan: So... in addition to my house, half my money, and my self-esteem, Judith got custody of all my friends.
Alan: The first thousand miles is the break-in period. You're not supposed to go over 65.
Charlie: Well, then go 65.
Alan: The speed limit is 60! You want me to get a ticket?
Charlie: Alan, you're driving an expensive red sports car. If you're not getting tickets and tail you might as well take the bus... which, by the way, just passed us.
Charlie: Well, then go 65.
Alan: The speed limit is 60! You want me to get a ticket?
Charlie: Alan, you're driving an expensive red sports car. If you're not getting tickets and tail you might as well take the bus... which, by the way, just passed us.
Alan: Wait a minute, you don't consider me a friend?
Charlie: It's not up to me. A friend is someone you choose, a brother is someone you get...
Alan: Excuse me?
Charlie: There's no choice involved! Your dad just wakes you up in the middle of the night and says, "Your mom wasn't really fat and this isn't your room anymore."
Alan: But you wanted me to live here with you. You offered me.
Charlie: Well, actually I wanted Jake to come live with me but I figured, you two are a package deal.
Charlie: It's not up to me. A friend is someone you choose, a brother is someone you get...
Alan: Excuse me?
Charlie: There's no choice involved! Your dad just wakes you up in the middle of the night and says, "Your mom wasn't really fat and this isn't your room anymore."
Alan: But you wanted me to live here with you. You offered me.
Charlie: Well, actually I wanted Jake to come live with me but I figured, you two are a package deal.
Alan: What's taking you so long?
Jake: I can't find my other shoe!
Alan: So then put on a different pair.
Jake: But this one's on already!
Jake: I can't find my other shoe!
Alan: So then put on a different pair.
Jake: But this one's on already!
Alan: Where are you going?
Evelyn: Neiman's. I'm going to need something black.
Charlie: Doesn't your soul qualify?
Evelyn: Laugh now, but when I die, I will be coming back to haunt you. [leaves]
Charlie: How will that be any different than this?
Evelyn: Neiman's. I'm going to need something black.
Charlie: Doesn't your soul qualify?
Evelyn: Laugh now, but when I die, I will be coming back to haunt you. [leaves]
Charlie: How will that be any different than this?
Alan: Who would've thought Rose knew what she was talking about?
Charlie: Certainly not Rose.
Charlie: Certainly not Rose.
Alan: Wow. Wow, uh, Elvis, that was, uh... that was beautiful. But you know, uh, in all honesty, um, I really, really loved your uh, earlier, you know, angrier stuff. You know, uh, "Pump It Up"! Now, now that was a song. [chuckling]
Sean Penn: I knew that.
Alan: Oh, and, uh, and while we're on the subject, Sean, um, why don't you do funny stuff like you used to? I mean, Fast Times ruled, man! [chuckling] C'mon, uh, do-- do a little Spicoli for us!
[cut to Alan duct-taped to a lamp post on Wilshire Boulevard]
Alan: Guys? This isn't funny. Uh-oh, clammy hands, nausea... Guys? Guys? GUYS?!
Sean Penn: I knew that.
Alan: Oh, and, uh, and while we're on the subject, Sean, um, why don't you do funny stuff like you used to? I mean, Fast Times ruled, man! [chuckling] C'mon, uh, do-- do a little Spicoli for us!
[cut to Alan duct-taped to a lamp post on Wilshire Boulevard]
Alan: Guys? This isn't funny. Uh-oh, clammy hands, nausea... Guys? Guys? GUYS?!