You look like a porn star with that tan and pink lipstick. You got a date?
No. When I wear makeup, I get bigger tips.
[laughing] Yes, girl. Let's hear it! These damn rednecks are suckers for packaging.
And I get even bigger tips when I act like I don't have a brain in my head. But if I don't, they're all scared of me.
They ain't scared of you, honey child. They're scared of what's between your legs.
Lafayette! That's nasty talk, I won't listen to that.
Do you even know what's between a woman's legs, Lafayette?
I know ever man, whether straight, gay, or George motherfuckin Bush is terrified of the pussy!
DDawn
Ooh, what are we talkin about?!
Lafayette: Pussy.
Hey, listen. Not everybody is gay, okay? Not everybody wants to have sex with you.
Oh, you would be surprised, Arlene. People you know... that's all I'm sayin.
DDawn
Well, I don't wanna have sex with you.
Y'all bitches don't know what you're missing. I got six gears up in these hips!
DDawn
No, baby. You don't know what you're missing. You can watch it walk away. Make you wanna slap it?
Everybody know that. Everybody been there. John been there.
Take these, baby. Peaches and cream.
I'll give you a little cocoa. Little cocoa. Ain't that right, John? Shit.
Hi, what can I - what can I get for you tonight?
Do you have any of that synthetic bottled blood?
No, I'm - I'm so sorry. Sam got some a year ago, but nobody ever ordered it, so it went bad. You're our first [whispers] vampire.
I knew the minute you came in. I can't believe nobody else around here seems to.
[referring to Sam] He does.
Oh, don't worry about Sam, he's cool. I know for a fact he supports the vampire rights amendment.
Well, anything else you drink?
Actually, no. But you can get me a glass of red wine, so I have a reason to be here.
Well, whatever the reason, I'm glad you are!
Aren't you afraid to be out here alone with a hungry vampire?
Vampires often turn on those who trust them, you know. We don't have human values like you.
A lot of humans turn on those who trust them, too. [takes out a silver chain and wraps it around her neck] I'm not a total fool.
Oh, but you have other very juicy arteries. There is one in the groin that's a particular favorite of mine.
Hey, you just shut your nasty mouth, mister! You might be a vampire, but when you talk to me, you will talk to me like the lady that I am!
You want to drink the blood they collected?
I understand it makes humans feel more healthy. Improves their sex life.
I am as healthy as a horse, and I have no sex life to speak of, so ... you can just keep it.
You could always sell it.
[firmly] I wouldn't touch it.
[leans in close] What are you?
Well, I-I'm Soo-I'm Sookie Stackhouse, and I'm a waitress. What's your name?
[giggles] Bill? I thought it might be Antoine, or Basil, or - or like Langford, maybe. But Bill? Vampire Bill! [laughs]
[Discussing hookers who specialize in vampires]
GGran
Wonder how much one would charge for something like that?
See, now that just makes me sick.
GGran
I know. What kind of cheap woman could ever do something like that?
No, it makes me sick that they're getting a thousand bucks to lay there and do nothing while I bust my ass for ten bucks an hour plus tips.
[Customer snaps his fingers to get Tara's attention for a drink]
Uh-uh! Do - do not snap at me. I have a name. And that name is Tara. Ain't that some fucked up shit, a black girl being named after a plantation? [laughs softly and then glares] No I don't think it's funny at all. In fact it really pisses me off that my momma was either stupid or just plain mean. Which is why you better be nice if you plan on getting a drink tonight.
Welcome to Super Save-a-Bunch.
CCustomer
Hi, I'm looking for that thick translucent plastic sheeting. The kind that they hang in front of the doors of walk in refrigerators.
Uh... We don't sell that here. You can try at Home Depot's.
CCustomer
I tried them already, they sent me here.
CCustomer
Now I cannot believe you don't have that here. Oh, I don't even know what it's called!
CCustomer
But you're supposed to have everything!
Well we don't have that stuff. That you don't even know what it's called.
CCustomer
Your website says that this is the most well stocked store in five parishes! Now, I just drove over an hour from Marthaville-
Uh-huh. Does our website have a phone number?
CCustomer
Well I suppose it does-
So it never occurred to you before you drove an hour to pick up a phone and call us to see if we stocked whatever the hell it is you're looking for?
CCustomer
Well I think that if a business chooses to classify it's self as-
Why didn't you just find it online and have it delivered to your house? Or were you just looking for an excuse to wear them ugly ass clothes?
CCustomer
I would like to speak to your manager!
Fine! WAILON! Trust me, you are not getting me fired. I am quittin. You were just the fuckin catalyst and for that I otta thank you!
CCustomer
You are a very rude young woman!
Oh this ain't rude. This is uppity. [slaps Wailon across the face] That's for pattin my ass to much! Imma get my baby daddy who just got out of prison to come and kick yo teeth in.
WWailon
Jesus Tara please don't do anything-
Oh my God! I'm not serious you pathetic racist! I don't have a baby! Damn! I know y'all have to be stupid but do you have to be that stupid? Shit! Fuck this job!
[awakes to find Bill licking at her open head wound] Do I taste different from other people?
Well, apparently I'm not dead. What I am is telepathic. I can hear people's thoughts.
No. That's why I like you so much. I can't hear you at all. You have no idea how peaceful that is after a lifetime of blah, blah, blah.
May I ask you a personal question?
Bill, you were just licking blood out of my head. I don't think it gets much more personal than that.
There must be some people who know about your talent.
The people closest to me. But - we never talk about it. And I do my best to stay out of their heads. Over the years, I've learned how. I figure it's kind of unethical to listen in to my family, my friends, my boss. But, they know. Other people suspect or they they think I'm psychic. Most people just think I'm crazy.
It's sort of like a stream of consciousness. Gets weirder when people are mad or upset. Sometimes... sometimes it's just images. I should be gettin' home. [moves to sit up, looks surprised] Wow, I feel completely healed.
Do doctors know that V juice can do this?
No, and we wanna keep it that way. I should show you to your car.
How old are you? Am I allowed to ask that?
I was made vampire in 1865, when I was thirty human years old.
Wow, you look older than that.
Were you in the Civil War?
Would you be willing to come and talk to my grandmother's club? It's mostly a bunch of old people who had family in the war. They call themselves Descendants of the Glorious Dead.
[incensed] The glorious dead? There is nothing glorious about dying in a war. A bunch of starving, freezing boys killing each other so the rich people can stay rich? Madness.
[pause] I'm sure it was awful.
Would it make you happy if I did this?
Oh, it would make my grandmother ecstatic.
I'll do it then. I look forward to meeting your grandmother. When may I call on you?
[standing outside her house] Well, since you're here...
[opens her door, but Bill hesitates]
You have to invite me in. Otherwise, it's physically impossible for me to enter a mortal's home.
Seriously? Well come on, try.
I-I can't. I can't even try.
That is so weird! [playfully] Oh Bill, won't you please come in?
[blocks his path] So, if I were to withdraw my invitation, would you have to leave?
[Bill nods, embarrassed]
I'll have to remember that.
You said you could glamour somebody into letting you bite them? What is that? Hypnosis?
Kinda. It's similar. All humans are susceptible to it.
No. I don't feel comfortable with that.
[stops walking and stares intensely into her eyes, whispers] Sookie?
Can you feel my influence?
[laughs] No! Not a bit! Sorry.
[confused] Sookie, this is very strange.
You don't like not being able to control people, do you? That's not a very attractive trait, Bill.
Human are usually more squeamish about vampires than you are.
Who am I to be squeamish about something out of the ordinary?
[after Malcolm and his gang have left] I'm sorry you had to witness that. Your visit was unexpected.
Hepatitis D is the only blood born pathogen to which we are susceptible. Malcolm must be furious.
A mutation. Relatively harmless to humans, oddly enough.
I've never even heard of it.
That's because we've kept it out of the media.
And it makes you sick for a year?
No. It just makes us weak for about a month or so. The biggest danger to us from Hep-D is being captured and staked during that time.
Yeah. You don't want your weaknesses to be public knowledge.
And what the hell did you mean, "Sookie is mine"?
I was communicating to the others that you are my human and therefore I was the only one who can feed on you.
You most certainly cannot feed on me!
Well of course I can't, Sookie. But had they known that, they'd've considered you fair game and I wouldn't have been able to stop them from attacking you. It would be three against one, and Malcolm is much older than I am and quite strong.
And... you and Diane dated?
We had sex once, just after she was made vampire back in the late 1930's.
What? Gross. Bill, she's so... they-they're all so mean, so ...
Evil. Yes, they are. They share a nest and when vampires live in nests, they become more cruel, more ... vicious. They become laws unto themselves. Whereas vampires such as I, who live alone, are much more likely to hang on to some semblance of our former humanity.
[just getting home and seeing him suddenly] God damn it Bill! How many times do I have to tell you, do not do that!
I'm sorry. It wasn't intentional. I just got here. I wanted to make sure that you were safe.
Why can't I hear your thoughts? Do you even have any thoughts?
Oh, I have thoughts... many life times of thoughts.
So why can't I hear them?
I don't know. Perhaps it's 'cause I don't have brain waves.
No, you're not! You're standing here, talking to me.
I think we need to stop seeing each other.
Because you don't breathe. You don't have any electrical whatever it is. Your friends would like nothing more than to rip my throat out and because vampires killed that preacher from the fellowship of the sun church and his wife and baby! You look me in the eye and tell me they didn't do it?
Human have killed millions upon millions in senseless wars. I do not hold you responsible for that.
Bill, night before last I had to bury my bloody clothes because I didn't want my grandmother to find out I was almost killed, and tonight I was almost killed again! Why on earth would I continue seeing you?
Because you will never find a human man you can be yourself with.
