Bernie: [To Owen after a chase] Don't hurt me, I've got asthma!
Owen: I'm not gonna hurt you. I'm gonna bloody kill you!

Diana Holmes: How did it do that?
Ianto Jones: It's automatic. It knows you're there.
Diana Holmes: But how?
Ianto Jones: There are wave-bouncing detectors which emit high-frequency radio waves and then they throw reflections -
[Diana examines the automatic doors than looks into the store]
Diana Holmes: Bananas...!
Ianto: Of course bananas are far more interesting.

Emma: How much food money do I have left?
Ianto: £15.40.
[Emma immediately grabs various confectionery items]
Ianto: £12.10. You'll ruin your teeth.
Emma: You sound like my mum.

Eugene: [Opening narration] The speed of light is 299,792,458 metres per second. Pain travels through the body at 350 feet per second. Even a sneeze can reach a hundred miles per hour. And as for life? Well... that just bloody whizzes by.

Eugene: The average life is full of near misses and absolute hits. Of great love and small disasters. It's made up of banana milkshakes, loft insulation and random shoes. It's dead ordinary and truly, truly amazing. What you've got to realize is, it's all here, now. So breathe deep and swallow it whole. Because take it from me: life just whizzes by, and then, all of a sudden, it's--

Gwen: But hold on, if no one can see it when the lift's coming up, there's a great big bloody hole in the floor. Don't people fall in?
Jack: That is so Welsh.
Gwen: What is?
Jack: I show you something fantastic; you find fault.

Gwen: But those people, last night - the people in the car, who are they? What's Torchwood?
PC Andy: I dunno. Special Ops?
Gwen: Yeah, but what does that mean?
PC Andy:I'll bet you ten quid they're DNA specialists. It's all DNA these days. Like that CSI bollocks. CSI Cardiff, I'd like to see that. They'd be measuring the velocity of a meat kebab!

Gwen: Emma's parents are a bit religious.
Rhys: Oh, er...Better not tell them you saw my morning glory then,eh!

Gwen: I just feel... like there's something going on...
Owen: Marvellous. Thank you for that Disney moment.

Gwen: So what's this supposed to do?
Jack: I'm using satellite tracking data to determine the intra-trajectory of the meteorite.
Tosh: He means he's trying to find out where it's come from.
Jack: Hey! Sometimes a little technobabble is good for the soul!

Gwen: Wait a minute, I've taken retcon.
Jack: Then better stay away from sharp objects.

Gwen: Well, actually, um, we were sort of, well, snogging...
Owen and Jack: WE KNOW.

Gwen: What about a rota? Different people on different days?
Jack: We're a secret organization hunting alien technology from an underground base, and you want a rota for who drives.
Gwen: ...Just trying to help.

Gwen: What are we doing, having Chinese while a girl fights for her life? We should be helping her.
Jack: Actually, while we've been eating, the computers have been running a full bio-scan on Carys, profiling her blood, metabolism, organs, the works. So we can see what effect the alien is having on her. They've also been taking samples of the air in the cell, so we can analyse any change in the environment around her. Now, is that enough? Do you want more? 'Cause... gets kind of boring.
Gwen: You've been hidden down here too long. Spending so much time with the alien stuff. You've lost what it means to be human.
Jack: So remind us. Tell me what it means to be human in the twenty-first century.

Gwen: What the hell was that?
Owen: What?
Gwen: Snoggin' me.
Owen: Last kiss for the condemned man.. Embarrassing given we haven't been killed.. What? It's not like I fancy you or anything!
Gwen: I was on top of you. I could feel your hard-on.
Owen: Yeah. Well. You didn't exactly struggle, did ya?