Titus quotes
82 total quotesTitus: I wish everybody had a mom like mine.
Prosecutor: A mother who kills people?
Titus: Person. She killed one person. You make it sound like a hobby!
Prosecutor: A mother who kills people?
Titus: Person. She killed one person. You make it sound like a hobby!
Titus: If you asked them to kill Gerald Ford, only two of them would do it.
[cut to Dave]
Dave: So, he wants Ford dead...
[cut to Dave]
Dave: So, he wants Ford dead...
Titus: In a normal family, surprise means presents, cake, and a party. In my family, surprise means homelessness, abandonment, and destruction of private property.
Titus: My dad is a negative, judgmental pain in the ass who destroyed my self-esteem and tortured me my entire life. My mom's a violent, paranoid schizophrenic. God, I love my dad.
Titus: My father never chooses me for anything, unless he needs a human shield.
Titus: Normal people see a bridge spanning a 1500 foot gorge and think, "What a beautiful architectural achievement." Screwed-up people see the same bridge and think, "Oh, I gotta jump off of that!" With a parachute. I'm not an idiot.
(Dave is about to push Titus down a flight of cement stairs in a shopping cart)
(Dave is about to push Titus down a flight of cement stairs in a shopping cart)
Titus: Okay, what's the record?
Dave: (through his headgear) Fifteen stairs!
Titus: What?
Dave: Fifteen stairs!
Titus: All right, fifteen stairs! Go! (Dave pushes the cart) Woo-hoo!
Dave: Yeah! (loud crash, Titus groans) Oh my God, Titus! Your head is touching your butt!
Titus: I can hear the ocean.
Dave: (through his headgear) Fifteen stairs!
Titus: What?
Dave: Fifteen stairs!
Titus: All right, fifteen stairs! Go! (Dave pushes the cart) Woo-hoo!
Dave: Yeah! (loud crash, Titus groans) Oh my God, Titus! Your head is touching your butt!
Titus: I can hear the ocean.
Titus: We think you have a problem. It's about your drinking.
Ken: But I haven't had a drink in a month.
Titus: Dad, we'd like you to start again.
Ken: But I haven't had a drink in a month.
Titus: Dad, we'd like you to start again.
Titus: Where's my tux?
Tommy: Somebody's bringing it.
Titus: "Somebody" who?
Tommy: Nobody. Dave.
Titus: No!
Dave: [walking in with tux] "I'm getting married in five days." Well, lies, lies, LIES!
Tommy: Somebody's bringing it.
Titus: "Somebody" who?
Tommy: Nobody. Dave.
Titus: No!
Dave: [walking in with tux] "I'm getting married in five days." Well, lies, lies, LIES!
Titus: You said I was the worst possible result of an orgasm!
Ken: You took that as an insult?
Ken: You took that as an insult?
Tommy: Do you remember me, Mrs. Titus?
Grandma Titus: Of course, Tommy. Have you found a nice young man to settle down with?
Tommy: I'm not gay.
Grandma Titus: Oh. Then you're not the Tommy I knew.
Grandma Titus: Of course, Tommy. Have you found a nice young man to settle down with?
Tommy: I'm not gay.
Grandma Titus: Oh. Then you're not the Tommy I knew.
Tommy: It's Amy! Well, well, someone's turning into a woman!
Amy: Yeah. And I'm looking at her.
Amy: Yeah. And I'm looking at her.
[After Ken's arrest for DWI, which occurred while he was driving his newly-customized pickup truck.]
Ken: You built me a cop magnet! I might as well be a black guy driving a large powdered doughnut!
Ken: You built me a cop magnet! I might as well be a black guy driving a large powdered doughnut!
[after Nicky's water breaks; two neighbors who can help don't get along]
Christopher: Is everybody here missing a chromosome?
Nicky: Hey, I live here. And anybody with a forehead that big shouldn't be making chromosome jokes.
[Titus frowns and feels his forehead]
Christopher: Is everybody here missing a chromosome?
Nicky: Hey, I live here. And anybody with a forehead that big shouldn't be making chromosome jokes.
[Titus frowns and feels his forehead]
[After throwing Titus through a window]
Sgt. Gordon: Maybe you should join the Air Force now that you know how to fly.
Sgt. Gordon: Maybe you should join the Air Force now that you know how to fly.