Titus quotes

82 total quotes

All Seasons
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Jerry October: Welcome to Life Forward, where people discover what holds them back in life.
Ken Titus: All these people have kids?

Ken Titus: I hear Looney Tunes made dinner... I'm surprised. Usually, the turkey is saying such threatening things to her, she can't get close enough to cook it.

Ken Titus: Come on, let's go! I'm out of booze and sober is nipping at my heels!
Nicky: Oh, boo hoo! I've got a watermelon nipping at my crotch!
Ken Titus: Now I'm hungry. [to diner owners] Can I get a fruit plate?

Ken Titus: Hey! Don't you ever call me again and tell me that you love me and you forgive me!
Christopher: Hi, Dad.
Ken Titus: I would rather a highway patrol officer show up on my doorstep with your head in a bag!

Ken Titus: There's a huge pile of gay on your front porch.
Tommy: I'm not gay!
Ken Titus: Yeah, tell it to your shirt.

Ken: (flashback) Hey, it was just a bad call. Bad call on your part! I cheated on my last wife with you! What did you think was going to happen? Caveat emptor, baby! Great ass.

Ken: Choose. Who do you want in your life, her or me?
Titus: I don't have to choose between you. I'm not 5... 7, 12, or 16 any more.

Ken: Fruits have the same rights as normal people. It's not like they're from Vietnam.

Ken: Oh, by the way; shorts that go all the way down to your ankles -- pants!

Ken: What's your hurry? Your fifteen kids will still be waiting for you when you get home.
Castro: [sarcastically] Si, señor. But first I have to go feed the donkey, put on a big sombrero and fall asleep underneath a tree. [back to normal] You racist Irish drunk. [Castro and his team walk off.]
Ken: Now that's my kind of Mexican!

Ken: You know, I liked you better when you had hope.
Titus: No, you didn't.

Ken: Your driver is launching cock-eyed. You might want to have a talk with him instead of looking at the headlines for typos.
Jay Leno: That was very funny. Are you a Nielsen box?
Ken: No.
Jay Leno: Then shut up, then!

Michael: This will be my third strike.
Erin: He'll go to prison for the rest of his life!
Titus: Get to the bad part!

Nurse Kathy: Are you talking? Because I'm fine with you dying. The murderer has paid me through the end of the week.
Titus: Whoa, whoa, whoa -- attempted murderer. And I would have pled it down to manslaughter. You don't even know the law, lady!

Officer Charlie Regan: You have a custom car shop? I want my Viper flamed.
Dave: And I want my pot back.
Titus: Dave, we're bribing him.
Dave: But he already has my pot!
Season 2