Michael: And another thing about the Indian people, they love sex positions. I present to you the Kama Sutra. I mean look at that. Who has seen that before?
Creed: I have. That's the Union of the Monkey.
Meredith: Oh, that's what they call it!
Kevin: This is the best meeting that we have ever had.

Michael: Andy Bernard. Pros: he's classy. He gets me. He went to Cornell. I trust him. Cons: I don't really trust him.

Michael: Bros before hoes. Why? Because your bros are always there for you. They got your back after your ho rips your heart out for no good reason. And you were nothing but great to your ho, and you told her that she was the only ho for you. And that she was better than all the other hoes in the world. And then suddenly...she's not yo' ho no mo'.

Michael: Fool me once, strike one. Fool me twice... strike three.

Michael: Guys! Beef: it's what's for dinner! Who wants some man meat?
Dwight: I do! I want some man meat!
Jim: Michael, Dwight would like your man meat.
Michael: Well then, my man meat he shall have.

Michael: Hey, I thought you weren't supposed to eat anything for a couple hours after you've had a crown put it?
Dwight: ...They have this new kind of quick-drying bonding.
Michael: Oh? sounds like a good dentist.
Dwight: Yeah...
Michael: What's his name?
Dwight: ...Crentist.
Michael: Your dentist's name is Crentist... huh. Sounds a lot like dentist.
Dwight: Maybe that's why he became a dentist?

Michael: I don't want somebody sucking up to me because they think I am going to help their career. I want them sucking up to me because they genuinely love me.

Michael: I lost Ed Truck... and it feels like somebody took my heart and dropped it into a bucket of boiling tears... and at the same time, somebody else is hitting my soul in the crotch with a frozen sledgehammer... and then a third guy walks in and starts punching me in the grief bone... and I'm crying, and nobody can hear me, because I'm terribly, terribly... terribly alone.

Michael: I love inside jokes. I'd love to be a part of one someday.

Michael: I love you, Jan.
Jan: Okay.

Michael: I saved a life: my own. Am I a hero? I really can't say... but, yes.

Michael: I'd like everybody's attention. Christmas is cancelled.
Stanley: You can't cancel a holiday.
Michael: Keep it up, Stanley, and you'll lose New Year's.
Stanley: What's that mean?
Michael: Jim, take New Year's away from Stanley.

Michael: I'm Prison Mike! You know why they call me Prison Mike?!
Angela: Do you really expect us to believe that you're another person?
Prison Mike: Do you really not expect me to throw you up against that wall, biatch?!
Jim: Where did you learn all of this?
Prison Mike: Internet.
Jim: So, not prison.
Prison Mike: And prison. Fifty-fifty... both. Look, prison stinks is what I'm saying. It's not like you can go home and recharge your batteries, and come back in the morning and be with your friends, having fun in the office.
Jim: What did you do, Prison Mike?
Prison Mike: I stole. And I robbed. And I kidnapped... the President's son. And held him for ransom.
Jim: That is quite the rapsheet, Prison Mike.
Prison Mike: And I never got caught neither!
Jim: Well, you are in prison. But mmhmm.

Michael: It is an outrage, that's all. They're making a huge, huge mistake. Let's see Josh replace these people. Let's see Josh find another Stanley. You think Stanleys grow on trees? Well, they don't. There is no Stanley tree. Do you think the world is crawling with Phyllises? Show me that farm. With Phyllises and Kevins sprouting up all over the place, ripe for the plucking. Show me that farm.

Michael: It was a weird day. I accidentally cross-dressed.