Cliff: Now, Rudy, what did your grandpa do to make you all quiet?
Rudy: He said if you all sit down quietly and smile, you'll give us all a dollar by morning.

Cliff: Now, Rudy, what did your grandpa do to make you all quiet?
Rudy: He said if you all sit down quietly and smile, you'll give us all a dollar by morning.

Cliff: So I know there's going to be a present for me, boy. So, what is it?
Theo: Come on, Dad, you know I can't tell you.
Cliff:: [chuckles] I know that. How old are you now?
Theo: 14.
Cliff: 14. Two years from now, you're going to want a car. I'm the only one who can buy it for you. So my boy, what's it gonna be?
Theo: Okay, Dad.
Cliff: Okay.
[a moment passes as the two look around to make sure no one is watching]
Theo: This year, everyone is pitching in to get you something you're really gonna love.
Cliff Well what is it?
[another moment passes as the two look around to make sure no one is watching]
Theo They won't tell me.
Season 2

Cliff: So I know there's going to be a present for me, boy. So, what is it?
Theo: Come on, Dad, you know I can't tell you.
Cliff:: [chuckles] I know that. How old are you now?
Theo: 14.
Cliff: 14. Two years from now, you're going to want a car. I'm the only one who can buy it for you. So my boy, what's it gonna be?
Theo: Okay, Dad.
Cliff: Okay.
[a moment passes as the two look around to make sure no one is watching]
Theo: This year, everyone is pitching in to get you something you're really gonna love.
Cliff Well what is it?
[another moment passes as the two look around to make sure no one is watching]
Theo They won't tell me.
Season 2

Cliff: Suppose I die, and your mother came home with a 19 year old boy...
Sondra: Yeah?
Cliff: Well what do you mean, 'yeah?' I mean, I'm dead, and you can't even mourn for a tenth of a second?
Sondra: Dad, you're not dead, you're sitting right here. This is a hypothetical death.
Cliff: Okay, it's a hypothetical death, but you didn't even take the time out for a hypothetical mourning! I mean it's almost as if you wished I was dead.
Sondra: No, dad, I don't want you to die!
Cliff: Are you sure?
Sondra: Yes.
Claire: Cliff, what's the point?
Cliff: The point is I'm dead, and you all have me out on the sidewalk with the garbage.
Claire: Cliff, you are a wonderful husband and a loving father, but darling, you do have a problem. You never get to the point.
Cliff: I am trying to get to the point.
Claire: All right, Cliff, go ahead. If you die...
Cliff: Never mind.

Cliff: Suppose I die, and your mother came home with a 19 year old boy...
Sondra: Yeah?
Cliff: Well what do you mean, 'yeah?' I mean, I'm dead, and you can't even mourn for a tenth of a second?
Sondra: Dad, you're not dead, you're sitting right here. This is a hypothetical death.
Cliff: Okay, it's a hypothetical death, but you didn't even take the time out for a hypothetical mourning! I mean it's almost as if you wished I was dead.
Sondra: No, dad, I don't want you to die!
Cliff: Are you sure?
Sondra: Yes.
Claire: Cliff, what's the point?
Cliff: The point is I'm dead, and you all have me out on the sidewalk with the garbage.
Claire: Cliff, you are a wonderful husband and a loving father, but darling, you do have a problem. You never get to the point.
Cliff: I am trying to get to the point.
Claire: All right, Cliff, go ahead. If you die...
Cliff: Never mind.

Cliff: Take the sunglasses off! [Denise takes them off, revealing weird make up on the side of her face] Put the sunglasses on!

Cliff: Take the sunglasses off! [Denise takes them off, revealing weird make up on the side of her face] Put the sunglasses on!

Cliff: The entree, Dr. Huxtable's Salisbury Steak deluxe!
David: I'm sorry, Dr. Huxtable, I don't eat meat.
Cliff: The boy does not eat meat.
David: I'm a vegetarian.
Denise: I didn't know that!
Claire: Well we got lots of red beans and rice.
David: I'm sorry, I only eat brown rice.
Cliff: That's all right, we can take the rice and burn it for you.

Cliff: The entree, Dr. Huxtable's Salisbury Steak deluxe!
David: I'm sorry, Dr. Huxtable, I don't eat meat.
Cliff: The boy does not eat meat.
David: I'm a vegetarian.
Denise: I didn't know that!
Claire: Well we got lots of red beans and rice.
David: I'm sorry, I only eat brown rice.
Cliff: That's all right, we can take the rice and burn it for you.

Cliff: The joy of a birthday, is finding out what the present is, before one gets it. And you know I always do.
Claire: Not this year.
Cliff: 'Not this year.' You say that every year, and every year, I find out. So what do you want to do, you want to tell me what it is now sweetie? Or do you want me to start working on the children?
Claire: You may work on whomever you please.
Cliff: Really?
Claire: But you're not going to find out anything.
Cliff: Let the games begin.

Cliff: The joy of a birthday, is finding out what the present is, before one gets it. And you know I always do.
Claire: Not this year.
Cliff: 'Not this year.' You say that every year, and every year, I find out. So what do you want to do, you want to tell me what it is now sweetie? Or do you want me to start working on the children?
Claire: You may work on whomever you please.
Cliff: Really?
Claire: But you're not going to find out anything.
Cliff: Let the games begin.

Cliff: What did I tell you about pushing your sister?
Vanessa: I'm just hurrying her along.
Cliff: That's fine, she's only 5 now, but she IS going to grow up and she MAY get into body building. And then she'll track you down and say "Remember all the times you used to push me around?" and clean your clock!

Cliff: What did I tell you about pushing your sister?
Vanessa: I'm just hurrying her along.
Cliff: That's fine, she's only 5 now, but she IS going to grow up and she MAY get into body building. And then she'll track you down and say "Remember all the times you used to push me around?" and clean your clock!

Cliff: What's the matter?
Rudy: I'm bored.
Cliff: You're bored? Well that's funny because I've got $3 million of books up in your room.