Leonard: So, uh, do they have a name for a first date with someone you used to go out with?
Penny: Oh, that's a good question. How about "awkward'?
Leonard: That sounds right. [pauses] Hey, how about if we pretend we're actually on a first date? See how that goes.
Penny Okay.
Leonard: So, Polly, tell me about yourself.
Penny It's Penny.
Leonard: Oh sorry, yeah, awkward...
Penny: [laughs] Okay let's see, I'm from Nebraska, and ever since I was little girl I dreamed of moving to LA and becoming a movie star, anyway, after four years of acting lessons and waiting tables, I've done a hemorrhoid commercial and a production of Anne Frank above the bowling alley. So, you know, dreams do come true! Your turn!
Leonard: Ah, let's see, I am an experimental physicist at CalTech. Most of my research is with high-powered lasers and, oh, I've just gotten a big government grant to see if they can be used to knock out incoming ballistic missiles.
Penny Wow! Can they?
Leonard: Oh, God no! [Penny laughs] The money's pretty good, and I use the equipment to make my own Bat Signal.
Penny: [laughs] Bat Signal? What are you, some kind of nerd?
Leonard: Not "some kind of nerd", I am the king of nerds!
Penny: [laughs] What does that mean?
Leonard: Uh, it means, if anyone displeases me, I don't help them set up their printer.
Penny: [laughs] You are so funny!
Leonard: Good! Remember that when I take my shirt off.

Mary Cooper: [Regarding Sheldon and Amy] You have any idea what's going on with those two?
Leonard: It's kind of like the Loch Ness monster. Maybe there's something there, maybe there isn't, we'll probably never know. But sometimes it's fun to creep yourself out thinking about it!

Penny: [sitting on Sheldon's spot, starts to move when she sees him] Hey, sorry Sheldon, I'll move.
Sheldon: [does not seem bothered by Penny] Why? My spot, your spot, what difference does it make?
[Penny and Leonard frown at him]
Penny: Okay, what just happened?
Leonard: I don't know... Between you playing chess like Bobby Fischer, and Sheldon being okay with you sitting in his spot... I'm guessing someone went back in time, stepped on a bug and changed the course of human events.

Penny: [Talking about screenplay writer in bar] No, I'm talking to him because he's cute.
Leonard: Come on, he's not that cute.
Penny: Yes he is, with his dorky t-shirt and his little hipster glasses.
Leonard: [long pause] I wear dorky t-shirts and glasses.
Penny: Yeah, but when you're tall and have great cheekbones, you're doing it ironically.

Penny: All right, Sheldon, this craziness has gone on long enough. Please come home so I can cut your hair.
Sheldon: Penny, you're not trained, you're not licensed, and most importantly, you don't have access to my haircut records.
Penny: All right, honey, look. We've known each other for a long time now, right? I've taken you to Disneyland, I kicked a bully in the nuts for you, I sing you "Soft Kitty" when you're sick, you've even seen me naked once.
Leonard: I'm sorry, what?
Penny: It's a long story. Anyway, Sheldon, I promise I know what I'm doing. Please let me cut your hair.
Sheldon: Amy, what do you think?
Amy: There's not a hair on my body I wouldn't let this woman trim.

Penny: So, I hear you and the Lost Boys are having a Bachelor Party tonight.
Leonard: Yeah, just going to a restaurant. Get some steaks, some Scotch. You've nothing to worry about.
Penny: Why should I worry?
Leonard: I don't know, it's a bachelor party. There could be strippers. Won't that make you a little jealous?
Penny: Come on Leonard. It's you. What's gonna happen? I mean, even if there was a stripper, all you'd do is avoid eye contact and maybe offer to help her kid with his homework.

Penny: That was a really nice dinner. I'm glad you asked me out again.
Leonard: Me too. I missed you.
Penny: You see me all the time. Are you sure you just don't miss the sex?
Leonard: Well, yeah. Sex with you is pretty great. Have you ever tried it?
Penny: I have. You are... not wrong. [pauses] I just think if we're gonna try dating again, we should take things slow.
Leonard: Oh, I can take it slow. Have I ever told you about my first girlfriend in high school, Karen Berberick? To this day, she doesn't know we were going out. Made it easier on her when I broke things off.
Penny: Okay, well maybe not THAT slow.
Leonard: How about this? Are you familiar with the typical development for computer software?
Penny: Yup, just for fun, let's say I'm not.
Leonard: Before an application is released, they give it a trial run. We could do that. If we hit a rough spot, instead of getting mad, let's say, hey, we found a bug and report it so it can be fixed.
Penny: You mean like a Beta test?
Leonard: Technically, this would be an Alpha test. A Beta test requires the people that weren't involved in the development of the app...
Penny: Seriously, do I not get credit for knowing Beta test?

Penny: We should have never slept together. It's what ruins friendships.
Raj: You can't ruin a friendship with sex. That's like trying to ruin ice cream with chocolate sprinkles.

Raj: Anybody else? Huh? No? Okay! It all comes down to me, as the best man. [Stands up] Ooo, this grasshopper's kicking my ass-hopper. Okay okay, when I first came to this country, I, I didn't know how to behave, or how to dress, or what was school, I was pretty lonely. But, then I met Howard and suddenly my life changed, because, we could be lonely together. This man became my whole world!
Kripke: Yeah, nice speech Francine! [Tucks some cash into his pants]
Raj: I'm not done but, thank you! I think back, to all the good times we had, like uh, when we went camping, and spent that night telling each other all our secrets.... I told him, I'm addicted to pedicures, and he told me he lost his virginity to his cousin. [Everybody laughs]
Howard: She was my second cousin.
Sheldon: And the first woman you ever disappointed sexually. Bada-bazinga!
Raj: Oh, oh yeah, and then there was a time when Leonard and I took Howard to Las Vegas and, and paid a hooker to pretend she was Jewish, and that she wanted his little Kosher pickle. [Everybody laughs again] Of all the Howard-humping-hooker stories, that was my favorite!
Howard: Okay, buddy! That's it. Sit down.
Raj: Oh, oh, what about that tubby girl in the Sailor Moon costume at Comic-con?
Howard: Don't remember. Please sit down.
Raj: The only threesome I've ever had in my whole life. And I'm proud to say it was with this man, right here! '[Everybody laughs]
Howard: Please, shut up.
Raj: Oh, oh, don't get me wrong. Nothing happened with me and Howard. There was about, 200 pounds of Sailor Moon between us!
Wil Wheaton: Oh Internet, this is SO going all over you!.
Sheldon: [Laughs] Jeepers, I'm drunk! [Clinks his glass with Wheaton's]

Raj: Hey, wanna spend some time playing the new Star Wars game this weekend?
Leonard: Uh, I don't know. I kind of promised myself I'd get off the computer, be more physically active, get some exercise.
Howard: You're about to walk up three flights of stairs.
Leonard: Good point. I'm in!

Raj: Howard and Bernadette, the five of us stand before you as your friends and newly ordained ministers.
Mrs. Wolowitz: LOUDER!
Bernadette: They all got ordained! They're all going to marry us! It's adorable! You want to hear it come closer!
Raj: Please, guys. When I look at the two of you starting your lives together it fills�� my heart�� it fills my heart. Forget it, I need a minute.
Penny: All right. Howard and Bernadette. I know you two planned on getting married in a big fancy wedding, but when you're in love in doesn't matter where or how these things happen. It just matters that you have each other.
Leonard: Hmm.
Penny: Problem?
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: I think the Revered Hofstader is making an ironic connection between your statement about love and your rejection of his proposal in the bedroom.
Penny: Oh, grow up.
Leonard: I didn't say it.
Amy: That's enough from the both of you!
Penny: Well, he started it.
Amy: Well, I'm ending it! Bernadette, I want to thank you for allowing me to be your maid of honor. I also wanted you to know that I will be happy to do it again if this marriage craps out.
Leonard: Thank you, Amy. Very touching. Howard and Bernadette. You are lucky enough to be best friends who love each other and that's the strongest kind of love because at its core it has kindness, patience and respect. Qualities that are hard to find in people these days.
Sheldon: Would you like some aloe vera? Cause you just got burned. All right, my turn. Howard. Bernadette. {Klingon}.
Bernadette: Sheldon! I told you no Klingon!
Sheldon: Fine, I'll do it in English. But it loses something. The need to find another human being has to share one's life has always puzzled me. Maybe because I am so interesting all by myself. With that being said, may you find as much happiness with each other as I find on my own. The Klingon would have made you cry.
Raj: I believe you two have prepared vows.
Bernadette: Howard Joel Wolowitz, like you this is going to be short and sweet. I love you with all my heart and soul and promise to be with you forever.
Howard: Bernadette Maryann Rostenkowski.
Mrs. Wolowitz: SPEAK UP.
Howard: From now on she's the only one that can yell at me! Until I met you I couldn't imagine spending my life with just one person. And now I can't imagine spending one day of it without you.
Ministers: By the power invested in us by the state of California...
Sheldon: ..and the Klingon High Council...
Ministers: ..we now pronounce you husband and wife.

Sheldon: [about Stephen Hawking] He's a famous physicist.
Penny: Hang on, I know. He's the wheelchair-dude who invented time.
Sheldon: Close enough.

Sheldon: [after scaring Leonard] Bazinga, punk! Now we're even!

Sheldon: [Carrying a tray of beakers] Here you go! This is now the only lab with glassware washed by a man with two doctorates and a restraining order signed by Carl Sagan.

Sheldon: [frustrated with everyone about his mother not doing what he wants, after they volunteer to take her to go around Hollywood] What do I say? I say you need to stop ruining my mom's visit, with your [Leonard's] sushi, your [Raj's] sadness, and your [Penny's] slutty shirts. Stop it! [leaves to go to his room]
Howard: [to Raj] He's talking about her shirt. Your shirt is fine!