Holly: Arnold Rimmer, Technician, 2nd Class. Captain's remarks: "There's a saying amongst the officers: If a job's worth doing, it's worth doing well. If it's not worth doing, give it to Rimmer. He aches for responsibility, yet constantly fails the Astro-navigation exam. Astoundingly zealous, possibly mad; probably has more teeth than brain cells. Promotion prospects: comical."

Holly: David Lister, Technician, 3rd class. Captain's remarks: "Has requested sick leave due to diarrhea on no less than 500 occasions. Left his previous job as a supermarket trolley attendant after ten years because he didn't want to get tied down to a career. Promotion prospects: zero."

Holly: I am Holly, the ship's computer, with an IQ of 6000; the same IQ as 6000 PE teachers.

Holly: I just don't know where we are. There's no two ways about it: I flamingoed up!
Rimmer: What do you mean?
Holly: It's like a cock-up, only much much bigger.

Holly: I was in love once. A Sinclair ZX81. People said, no, Holly, she's not for you. She's cheap, she's stupid and she wouldn't load, well, not for me anyway.
Lister: What are you trying to say, Hol?
Holly: What I'm saying, Dave is, it's better to have loved and lost than to listen to an album by Olivia Newton-John.
Cat: Why's that?
Holly: Anything's better than to listen to an album by Olivia Newton-John.

Holly: Jean-Paul Sartre said Hell was being locked forever in a room with your friends.
Lister: Holly, all his mates were French!

Holly: Look, I'm trying to navigate at faster than the speed of light, which means that before you see something, you've already passed through it. Even with an IQ of 6000, it's still brown-trousers time.

Holly: Rude alert! Rude alert! An electrical fire has knocked out my voice recognition unicycle! Many Wurlitzers are missing from my database. Abandon shop! This is not a daffodil. Repeat: This is not a daffodil.
Rimmer: Well, thankfully Holly's unaffected.

Holly: They're all dead. Everybody's dead, Dave.
Lister: Peterson isn't, is he?
Holly: Everybody's dead, Dave!
Lister: Not Chen!
Holly: Gordon Bennett! Yes, Chen. Everyone. Everybody's dead, Dave!
Lister: Rimmer?
Holly: He's dead, Dave. Everybody is dead. Everybody is dead, Dave.
Lister: Wait. Are you trying to tell me everybody's dead?
Holly: Should've never let him out in the first place....

Holly: We're a bit short on a few supplies.
Lister: Like what?
Holly: Cow's milk. Ran out of that yonks ago. Fresh and dehydrated.
Lister: What kind of milk are we using now?
Holly: Emergency back-up supply. We're on the dog's milk.
Lister: Dog's milk?!
Holly: Nothing wrong with dog's milk. Full of goodness, full of vitamins, full of marrowbone jelly. Lasts longer than any other type of milk, dog's milk.
Lister: Why?
Holly: No bugger'll drink it. Plus, of course, the advantage of dog's milk is that when it goes off, it tastes exactly the same as when it's fresh.
Lister: Why didn't you tell me, Holly?
Holly: What, and spoil your tea?

Holly: We're getting a signal. It's probably nothing but I just thought I'd mention it.
Rimmer: Aliens.
Lister: Oh God, aliens... Your explanation for anything slightly peculiar is aliens, isn't it? You lose your keys - it's aliens. A picture falls off the wall - it's aliens. That time we used up a whole bog roll in a day, you thought that was aliens as well!
Rimmer: Well, we didn't use it all, Lister. Who did?
Lister: Rimmer, aliens used our bog roll?
Rimmer: Just 'cos they're aliens, doesn't mean they don't have to visit the little boys' room. Although they probably do something weird and alien-esque, like it comes out of the top of their heads or something.
Lister: Well, I wouldn't like to be stuck behind one in a cinema!

Holly: Well, the thing about a black hole - its main distinguishing feature - is it's black. And the thing about space, the colour of space, your basic space colour, is black. So how are you supposed to see them?
Rimmer: But five of them? . How can you manage to miss five black holes?
Holly: It's always the way, innit? You hang around for three million years in deep space and there hasn't been one, then all of a sudden five turn up at once.

Howard: And you rebuilt him - gave him something to live for. Rimmer: No, we just hosed him down and gave him a hat.
Novels

Inquisitor Cat: Justify your existence. What contribution have you made?
Cat: I have given pleasure to the world because I have such a beautiful ass!
Inquisitor Cat: Well, that's true.
Cat: Can I go now?
Inquisitor Cat: ...That's your case?
Cat: You need more?
Inquisitor Cat: Some might say that's a pretty shallow argument.
Cat: Some might say I'm a pretty shallow guy, but a shallow guy with a great ass!

Inquisitor Kryten: Well, Kryten? Justify yourself.
Kryten: I'm not sure I can.
Inquisitor Kryten: But surely your life is replete with good works? There can be few individuals who have lived a more selfless life.
Kryten: But I am programmed to live unselfishly. And therefore, any good works I do come not out of fine motives, but as a result of a series of binary commands I am compelled to obey.
Inquisitor Kryten: Well, then, how can any mechanical justify himself?
Kryten: Perhaps only if he attempted to break his programming and conduct his life according to a set of values he arrived at independently.
Inquisitor Kryten: Your argument invites deletion.
Kryten: The rules are yours, not mine.
Inquisitor Kryten: Do you wish to be erased?
Kryten: I am programmed not to wish for anything. I serve.
Inquisitor Kryten: In a human, this type of behaviour could be considered "stubborn".
Kryten: But I am not human. And neither are you. And it is not our place to judge them. I wonder why you do.