Earl: [narrating] You know that guy you see, when you stop off at the convenience store in that little town on the way to Grandma's house? Sort of shifty looking fella who buys a packet of smokes, a couple-a lotto tickets and a "Tall Boy" at 10 AM in the morning? The kind of guy you wait to come out before you and your family go in? Well... that's me. My name is Earl. And if you took the time to really get to know me, find out what kind of person I really am instead of just stereotyping me, because of the way I look... well, you'd be wasting your time. 'Cause I'm exactly who you think I am. Hell, I'll pretty much steal anything that's not nailed down.

Randy: Maybe you should listen to Catalina. She's a woman, just like Natalie. They're both women; her and Natalie. You and I are men. We're not women.
Earl: [narrating] Sometimes Randy takes a long road to a simple thought.
Randy: You see, men think different than women. You and I think different than Natalie and Catalina 'cause we're men and they're women. I'm right, right, I'm not wrong. Am I wrong?

Mr. Patrick: Are you and e. coli buddies?
Earl: Is that the little Chinese guy in the back who washes the dishes?

Donnie: [singing to the tune of Pat Benatar's Heartbreaker] You're a pot breaker, fern shaker, scar maker, don't you mess around with me.
[Later]
Donnie: Ohh yeah you're a blood taker, face breaker, scab maker. Get that fern away -- no, no, no.

Candy Stoker: But Mom, I want to be a doctor!
Shelly Stoker: Honey, if I wanted a doctor in the family, I would have made a boy!

Donny: I got a tattoo of Moses partin' the Red Sea on my bottom. Wanna see?

Earl: Carrot cake is the devil's food. Uh, but that doesn't mean don't make devil's food cake. I love that stuff.
hey

Catalina: I will jump for you, Earl, but I will not jump for Joy.

Earl: [narrating] Then it hit me like a headbutt.

Catalina: This is the sweetest, most justified kidnapping I've ever seen.
Randy: How many have you seen?
Catalina: About five or so.

Earl: Donny? What can I trade you for a TV?
Donny: Give me your wife!
Earl: I'm not giving you my wife, Donny; pick a snack food.
Donny: Marshmallow fluff, smeared on your wife.
Earl: Donny!
Donny: Ok, I'll give ya a TV, but I get to ask for one favor, and you don't get to ask me what the favor and I can ask you the favor when I want and you can't say no!
Earl: Is the favor giving you my wife?
Donny: Yep!

Earl: [drunk] I got a story about Hank. It was Steve Coco's bachelor party. And like all bachelor parties, there was some entertainment.
Hank: Uh, Earl, maybe this isn't the best time...
Earl: No, no, don't worry Hank, I won't tell the bad part. So anyway, Hank goes into the bathroom with this stripper, and, uh, you know, some stuff happens. So Hank comes out ten minutes later with his tongue down the stripper's throat, sayin' how she's gonna be his wife, and all of a sudden, somebody says to Hank, "I think she'd make a better husband, 'cause she's a duuUUUuuuUUuuUUUUUDE!" [laughs hysterically] WHOO! WHOOoooOOO!

Darnell: You know how they say "take a chill pill?" Joy did.

Earl: Ain't no use running, fool! I know where your momma parks your house!

Doctor: All we can do now is pray. I bet you wish you had more than one god now. Hahaha.