Candy Stoker: But Mom, I want to be a doctor!
Shelly Stoker: Honey, if I wanted a doctor in the family, I would have made a boy!

Carl Hickey: I'm Carl Hickey, and I need your vote.
[Airplane flies overhead]
Carl: But I shouldn't have to shout over airplanes to get it!
[Applause]

Catalina: I will jump for you, Earl, but I will not jump for Joy.

Catalina: This is the sweetest, most justified kidnapping I've ever seen.
Randy: How many have you seen?
Catalina: About five or so.

Darnell: You know how they say "take a chill pill?" Joy did.

Doctor: All we can do now is pray. I bet you wish you had more than one god now. Hahaha.

Donnie: [singing to the tune of Pat Benatar's Heartbreaker] You're a pot breaker, fern shaker, scar maker, don't you mess around with me.
[Later]
Donnie: Ohh yeah you're a blood taker, face breaker, scab maker. Get that fern away -- no, no, no.

Donny: I got a tattoo of Moses partin' the Red Sea on my bottom. Wanna see?

Earl: [drunk] I got a story about Hank. It was Steve Coco's bachelor party. And like all bachelor parties, there was some entertainment.
Hank: Uh, Earl, maybe this isn't the best time...
Earl: No, no, don't worry Hank, I won't tell the bad part. So anyway, Hank goes into the bathroom with this stripper, and, uh, you know, some stuff happens. So Hank comes out ten minutes later with his tongue down the stripper's throat, sayin' how she's gonna be his wife, and all of a sudden, somebody says to Hank, "I think she'd make a better husband, 'cause she's a duuUUUuuuUUuuUUUUUDE!" [laughs hysterically] WHOO! WHOOoooOOO!

Earl: [narrating] Lucky for me, Randy had a degree in joysticks from the University of Pacman.
Randy: Wacca wacca wacca wacca.

Earl: [narrating] Then it hit me like a headbutt.

Earl: [narrating] You know that guy you see, when you stop off at the convenience store in that little town on the way to Grandma's house? Sort of shifty looking fella who buys a packet of smokes, a couple-a lotto tickets and a "Tall Boy" at 10 AM in the morning? The kind of guy you wait to come out before you and your family go in? Well... that's me. My name is Earl. And if you took the time to really get to know me, find out what kind of person I really am instead of just stereotyping me, because of the way I look... well, you'd be wasting your time. 'Cause I'm exactly who you think I am. Hell, I'll pretty much steal anything that's not nailed down.

Earl: Ain't no use running, fool! I know where your momma parks your house!

Earl: Carrot cake is the devil's food. Uh, but that doesn't mean don't make devil's food cake. I love that stuff.
hey

Earl: Donny? What can I trade you for a TV?
Donny: Give me your wife!
Earl: I'm not giving you my wife, Donny; pick a snack food.
Donny: Marshmallow fluff, smeared on your wife.
Earl: Donny!
Donny: Ok, I'll give ya a TV, but I get to ask for one favor, and you don't get to ask me what the favor and I can ask you the favor when I want and you can't say no!
Earl: Is the favor giving you my wife?
Donny: Yep!