Reporter: This morning, shortly after 11:00, comedy struck this little house on Dibley Road. Sudden...violent...comedy.

Spanish TV Host: "Pero las llamas son peligrosas. Si usted ve una llama donde hay gente? nadando, usted gritar: ¡Cuidado! ¡Llamas!" ["Llamas are dangerous, so if you see one where people are swimming, you shout: Look out, there are Llamas!"]
The Lumberjack Song

Superintendant Praline: Now, this item, "Crunchy Frog". Am I to understand there's a real frog in here?
Whizzo Chocolate Company owner: Yes, a little one.
Superintendant Praline: What sort of frog?
Whizzo Chocolate Company owner: A dead frog.
Superintendant Praline: Is it cooked?
Whizzo Chocolate Company owner: No.
Superintendant Praline: What, a raw frog?!
Whizzo Chocolate Company owner: We use only the finest baby frogs, dew picked and flown from Iraq, cleansed in finest quality spring water, lightly killed, and then sealed in a succulent Swiss quintuple smooth treble cream milk chocolate envelope and lovingly frosted with glucose.
Superintendant Praline: That's as may be -- it's still a frog! Do you even take the bones out?
Whizzo Chocolate Company owner: If we took the bones out, it wouldn't be crunchy, would it?

Superman One: Oh look... is it a stockbroker?
Superman Two: Is it a quantity Surveyor?
Superman Three: Is it a church warden?
All Supermen: NO! It's Bicycle Repair Man!

Surgeon: Mr. Notlob, there's nothing wrong with you that an expensive operation can't prolong.
Series 2

Teacher: [to a student] So, we want to learn about pointed sticks, do we? Feeling all high and mighty, eh? Fresh fruit not good enough, eh? Oh, oh, oh. Well, let me tell you something, my lad! When you're walking home tonight, and some homicidal maniac comes after you with a bunch of loganberries, don't come crying to me!

Teacher: The great advantage of the tiger in unarmed combat is that he eats not only the raspberry-laden foe but also the raspberries.

Victor: [to his girlfriend Iris] I think I'm beginning to fall in love with you. It's silly isn't it?
Iris: No, not at all, sweet Victor.
Victor: No, I didn't mean that. I meant the fact we've spent time close together for so many months in the soft toy department, yet never truly daring to-
Iris: [bemused] Oh, Victor.
Victor: Oh, Iris.

Victor: Get out! All of you; get out!!
Mr. Equator: I beg your pardon?
Victor: I'm throwing you all out! I'm not going to have my house filled with filthy perverts. Now, I'm giving you half a minute to leave or I'm calling the police!
Mr. Equator: I don't much like the tone of your voice. [shoots Victor dead]

Voiceover: It was a fantastic success. Over 60,000 times as powerful as Britain's great pre-war joke [Cut to stock footage of Neville Chamberlain returning from Munich and holding up the Munich Agreement, the "this is peace in our time"-bit.], and one which Hitler just couldn't match.
[Cut to stock footage of Hitler giving a speech.]
Hitler: [subtitle] My dog's got no nose!
Soldier: [subtitle] How does he smell?
Hitler: [subtitle] Awful!

Woman: I object to all this sex on the television. I mean, I keep falling off.

[Mr Salzburg has just fired two of his writers for his new film, and is closing in on another one]
Mr Salzburg: You!
Writer #4: Ah, well, I... I think it's an excellent idea!
Mr. Salzburg: Are you a yes man?
Writer #4: No! I mean, I have a few things against it!
Mr. Salzburg: So you think it's lousy!
Writer #4: No, no! I mean, it takes time!
Mr. Salzburg: ARE YOU BEING INDECISIVE?
Writer #4: Yo! Nes! Perhaps! [runs out the door]

[The interviewer and Vercotti are walking alongside a railroad track]
Interviewer: Mr. Vercotti, what do you say to people who accuse you of exploiting Ron for your own purposes?
Luigi Vercotti: Well, it's totally untrue, David. Ever since I left Sicily I've been trying to do the best for Ron. I know what Ron wants to do, I believe in him and l'm just trying to create the opportunities for Ron to do the kind of things he wants to do.
Interviewer: And what's he going to do today?
Luigi Vercotti: He's going to split a railway carriage with his nose.
[A scream is heard off screen]
[The interviewer is seen standing with Vercotti beneath a ramp with a banner that says "Running to Mercury"]
Luigi Vercotti: The only difficult bit for Ron is getting out of the Earth's atmosphere, but once he's in orbit he'll be able to run straight to Mercury. [Wrapped from head to toe in bandages from his previous exploits, Ron hobbles onto the ramp, and as he goes off the edge of the ramp, the scene freeze-frames in mid-jump and another scream is heard.]

[to a man whose wife has been eaten alive by a blancmange]
Detective Inspector: I think what's happened is terribly, terribly funny... er, tragic!