Mitchell: [talking about Lilly being in a commercial] Let's just let Lily have a normal childhood.
Cameron: I think that gay cruise has sailed.

Mitchell: [To Cameron, who has been over complimenting their pediatrician] Take it down a notch, we're trying to make a friend, not initiate a three-way.

Mitchell: [To Cameron] Wow, paisley and pink? Was there something wrong with the fishnet tank top?

Mitchell: [To the Emergency Assistance] Help! We locked our baby in the car and people are judging us!

Mitchell: [To the florist, after Cam accidentally sets the flowers on fire and then runs screaming into the kitchen] Look at that, two things flaming at once!

Mitchell: It's Cameron's turn to be out in the world interacting with other grown-ups while I get to stay at home and plot the death of Dora the Explorer. [mumbling] Fill her backpack with bricks, and throw her into Candycane River...

Phil: "We like to think we are so smart, and we have all the answers. And we want to pass all that on to our children, but if you scratch beneath the surface you don't have to dig very deep to find the kid you were. Which is it's kind of crazy that now we're raising kids of our own. I guess that's the real circle of life."

Phil: [about Alex putting pressure on herself to do well on her exam] This is my fault. You see me achieve excellence and it puts a lot of pressure on you.
Claire: What about me?
Phil: Sorry. Yeah. It puts a lot of pressure on both of you.

Phil: [After he and Mitchell pop a lock on a window of Mitchell & Cameron's house, of which they are locked out] If you show enough houses you learn all the tricks. Every Realtor is just a ninja in a blazer. The average burglar breaks in and leaves clues everywhere, but not me...I'm completely clueless.

Phil: [confessional] You know what? You can insult a lot of things about me: my hair, my voice, my balance-board exercises, but don't insult my selling. That crosses a line. What line? Oh, you don't see it? That's 'cause I just sold it.

Phil: [on sex] It's like your shaking hands, but you're not using your hands. At all.

Phil: [To Dylan-Haley's boyfriend] Hey, come in. You're just in time to catch the end of the game. Come on, I'll catch you up. OK, so that guy is the tying run - interesting story about him: he's been stuck on second base forever, and I'm pretty sure he's gonna try and steal third, which is just a terrible, terrible idea - how are you and Haley doing?"

Phil: [To Haley] Boy, things with your mom got pretty intense down there, all like east coast - west coast, you feel me? [Cut to Phil by himself talking to the camera] Act like a parent, talk like a peer. I call it peerenting. I learned it from my own dad who used to walk into my room and say, "What's up sweat-hog?" [Cut back to Phil and Haley] Honey, I would love to let you go to the concert. Are you kidding me, I think concerts are rad? Hello, I was a hall-raiser!
Haley: A what?
Phil: I followed Hall & Oates around the country one summer. “Rich Girl” just spoke to me; I was dating this girl - not dating, I guess I was following her too, kind of.

Phil: [upon receiving Claire's gift] I am so excited. [Opens envelope] Coupons for...five free hugs.
Claire: You don't like it?
Phil: Are you kidding me? I love it. It's so creative--coupons for hugs, which are usually free, but this makes it official, which is so great.

Phil: Claire, I know you've got your methods, but so do I, and I'm sorry but I'm not a micro-manager. Trust me, I can provide Luke with the tools and guidance he needs without smothering him.
Claire: You think I smother our children?
Phil: It's not your fault, honey, mother is part of the word. You ever hear of anyone being sfathered to death?