[After Stevie punches Reese]
Kitty: Stevie, what the hell do you think you're doing?! You are in so much trouble! This behavior is totally unacceptable! We are at a restaurant. What is wrong with you? (Stevie is about to speak) Don't you take that tone with me! You just wait till we get home!
Reese: He bruised the bone.
Lois: Oh, like you didn't deserve it. (to Kitty) Good for you! I knew you had it in you.
Kitty: Shut your trap!
Waiter: Excuse me, don't you mind please keeping it down?
Kitty: Would you mind going to hell?! And I absolutely did order tea! How hard is it to remember a stupid drink order, you idiot?!
Abe [drunk]: Kitty, there's going to be some changes...
Kitty: (to Abe) And you, Mr. Ho Hos in his sock drawer! Who do you think you're kidding?
Lois: Honey, you have to pace yourself.
Kitty: (to Abe) And another thing, Don Juan. There are two people in that bed!

Hal: So, Dewey, how was school today?
Dewey: Mikey Duffy pushed me down today.
Hal: Well, did you push him back?
Dewey: No, he's bigger than me.
Hal: Uh-huh... Reese?
Reese: I'm on it.

(After Francis keeps talking to another girl)
Amaani: You're wasting your time. She doesn't speak English.
Francis: Oh.
Amaani: Which is just as well, because if she understood the crap you were feeding her, she'd laugh in your face.

Dewey: Mom, can I have a story?
Lois: Once upon a time, there was a little boy that made his mom so crazy she decided to sell him to a circus.
Dewey: An evil circus?
Lois: No, a nice one with monkeys.
Dewey: Thank you.

(Hal and Tom are restrained by guards and both of them are sweating up a rainstorm.)
Hal: It's too late! Something snapped! I am way past the point of no return! We're talking primal animal urges! I'm gonna let nature take its course...AND KILL HIM!

Cadet Finley: I can't take this anymore. If I don't eat, I'm gonna pass out!
Cadet Drew: Yeah.
Cadet Finley: Who are you?
Cadet Drew: I'm your roomate.

(Dewey walks up to the police car)
Lois: Dewey, it's going to okay. Mommy is...
Dewey: Can you turn on the siren?
Cop: Sure. (turns it on)
Dewey: Yeah! [imitates siren]

(Barbara & Tom are watching Hal fight Jack while Lois tries to stop them)
Barbara: Oh, for God's sake, Tom. Do something!
Tom: I'll refill your drink.
Barbara: Okay.

(Lois gets up and leaves; Craig is shocked)
Robber #1 [to Craig]: Whoa, chubs, you got busted.
(Craig rises; Robber #1 is afraid, gets back, and goes to his partner; the two look at him)
Craig: You want this?! You want this safe?! You want this stupid-stupid-stupid safe?! (he lifts it up; the robbers are shocked) Here's your stupid safe!!!!
(The robbers get out of the way and the safe hits the floor and breaks open)
Robber #1: Cool.
(Robber #2 grabs the pack of money and the two take off)
Lois: My God! Craig, are you alright?
Craig: I felt something rip, and if it wasn't my pants, it was inside me.

(As Mrs. Griffin starts complaining about other types of people)
Malcolm: (to the camera) I can't believe how horrible she is. I'm just gonna ignore her. (turns around and keeps hearing her complain more, then sees a loose blouse hanging as he looks over and sees Mrs. Griffin's robe open; Malcolm is shocked)

(Malcolm enters the front door panting)
Lois: What's wrong?
Malcolm: Some crazy new girl from school actually followed me home.
Lois: Really? Is she cute? Is this what this whole boxers shorts thing is all about. (approaches the door and looks through the peephole)
Malcolm: Mom, please don't.
(Lois sees Cynthia through the peephole and opens the door)
Cynthia: Hi!

Abe: [Kitty] won't let me have butter on my bread. Butter. I haven't eaten the stuff in ten years.
Hal: How'd this happen? I mean, we weren't always this way.
Abe: Actually, I was. Classic story: raised by a grandmother and four spinster aunts. I used to wash their hair on Saturday nights.
Hal: Poor bastard. You never had a chance.
Abe: Damn it. Enough is enough! (gobbles down miniature slabs of butter and drinks a shot)
Hal: You go, Abe!

(After being caught joyriding by Lois, all the Krelboynes leave except for Malcolm & Stevie)
Malcolm: Need some help, Stevie?
Stevie: Pop... the trunk.

Bully 1: Are you calling me a liar?
[Dewey hits the first bully with the purse. The second one is hit as well. The other two dodges it and then the four are sent running. Soon Reese is impressed when Dewey reveals the brick and tosses it on the ground.]
Reese: Nice.

Hal: Now, I want to tell you what happens when a boy really, really likes a girl. And Dewey, I'll make this easy for you to understand. [looks around for toys and grabs a robot and a girl doll]
Malcolm: [to the camera] Oh, man! I still play with that.
Hal: You see, there's a certain thing that happens between normal healthy people. It's called chemistry. [accidentally fires toy gun from the robot] Well, that doesn't happen, except maybe the first time. But what does happen is this. [imitates robot] "I like you!" [imitates girl doll] "I like you, too!" [back to normal voice] ... and if they love each other and take their proper precautions, they'll have sex, but I've told you that already.
Dewey: [smiling] Not me.
Hal: Well, ask your brothers.
[Malcolm & Reese give disgusted looks]
Hal: If the boy is from our family, it goes a little more like this... "I like you." "I HATE you!" "Now, I LOVE you!" "LEAVE ME ALONE! Your insane neediness is driving me away!" "Look at me! Look at me, I'm crazy! Pay attention to me! I'm an idiot, watch me crash and burn! Woop-woop-woop, whoo!"