Klink: Bribe me, eh? I will throw them in the cooler for life. Even after the war. Even if we lose!

Klink: Don't you give me any credit for having any brains?
Hogan: I refuse to answer on the grounds that I might tell the truth.

Klink: I am well aware, Colonel Hogan, there is nothing you and your men would not do to try to undermine my position, even to have me replaced.
Hogan: Replace you, are you kidding? We'd do anything to keep you here.

Klink: If the prisoners ask any questions about these explosions, you know nothing. You - are - ignorant.
Schultz: Oh, I can handle that.
Klink: I know.

Klink: Let me remind you, Colonel Hogan, that the Italians are on our side.
Hogan: Don't remind me, remind them.

Schmidt: What is it you want?
Hogan: Cleveland.
Schmidt: Cleveland?
Hogan: I want to be Burgermeister. Oh, you don't have to worry about me, sir. I'll be loyal. One set of books.

Schultz: (After Hogan revealing Newkirk in a Gestapo uniform)What a relief, if the Gestapo...Colonel Hogan...what is he doing in a uniform! Colonel Hogan please, oohhh you went to far. I must report this, it would be worth my life if I do not report this.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: It's only until tomorrow, then he's gonna take it off again.
Schultz: Aahhh.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: After he steals the tank.
Schultz: Ohh...
Col. Robert E. Hogan: From the Panzer division.
Schultz: Oohhh...
Col. Robert E. Hogan: And brings it here into the barracks.
Schultz: Oh I see nothing. I was not here. I did not even get up this morning!

Schultz: [reading graffiti] "Hess is a mess." "Himmler is a rat fink." "Göring is a fat rat fink." [starts laughing] "Colonel Klink is bucking for rat fink!"

Schultz: Eine, zwei, drei, vier, fünf, sechs, sieben...acht...neun...zehn...
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Elf is next, eleven, Schultz.
Schultz: I know how to count.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: So do many of the young guards, I think it's how they're taught.

Schultz:(In the barracks after finishing his patrol punishment)One thing I don't understand...How could I get so drunk on one glass of beer?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Never drink on an empty stomach Schultz.
Schultz: You call this empty.(Referring to his belly)

[After Kinchloe switches on a tape of a BBC broadcast in the presence of Klink, Schultz, and the Inspector General von Platzen.]
Klink: Schultz! Where is that radio?
Schultz: They didn't tell me!
Klink: Find it at once!
Schultz: Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
Klink: [as the Schultz and the other guards search] Hogan! Where does that voice come from?
Hogan: From the accent, I'd say England.

[General Hofstader gets out of his staff car and marches over to Klink.]
Colonel Klink: What an honor to have you here --
General Hofstader: Where is my tank, Klink?
Colonel Klink: Hasn't it come back yet?
General Hofstader: No. Klink, I released a tank to you to put down a riot by prisoners. I see no riot, I see no tank! All I see is a Colonel about to become Corporal!
Colonel Klink: Please, General -- it will turn up! I have searched the barracks, the surrounding areas, the prisoners--
General Hofstader: [sarcastically]: The prisoners? Nobody had it in his pocket?! We are talking about a Tiger tank Klink!! Not a toy dump truck!
Klink:(Shaking his head)

[Hogan brings in a "disguised" woman in male uniform.]
Schultz: Where did she come from? Don't tell me, but wherever it was, put her back!

[Hogan is kissing Helga.]
Helga: Mmm, you smell good.
Hogan: The boys whipped up a little aftershave.
[Kisses her again.]
Helga: It's very exciting.
Hogan: It's called "unconditional surrender".