Carter: Mr. Ford, via satellite. American voters--what do they want?
Mr. Ford: Really, all Americans want is cold beer, warm pussy, and someplace to take a shit with a door on it.
[Pause, everyone staring at the camera blankly]
Carter: Up next...
Mr. Ford: (interrupting) I mean you don't want the dog looking at you.
Carter:Ok...

Killface: If there's a few bucks left over, you know, go get something nice.
[24 hours earlier in a hotel]
Wendell: [into phone] Yeah, hey I'd like a $9,000 prostitute, please. Oh, do you have nine $1,000 ones? Yeah, good, and if you got an albino, send her up too. In 20 minutes, I'm gonna be asleep, so get 'em up here. [Hangs up] Had, like, half a bottle of melatonin, six beers, this whole fucking bucket of chicken--the sandman is comin'.

Xander: [Xander has hit the blind Killface with his car] Hey, hey, no no man, don't move, man. I think you got a concussion.
Killface: Ow! What happened?
Xander: Hit... hit... hit... and... and they ran... hit and run, plateless gang car.
Killface: Oh! On a blind man! Crap! Yes, riding dirty, no doubt... With their... Bubba Kush. Well I, sir, am Killface. And you are in my debt... I'm in your debt.
Xander: Yeah, you have a house.
Killface: Yes, let's go to my house. take Naps. Where's my food?
Xander: Yeah, here...
Killface: My head... kills.
Xander: Um... this is actually just full of rocks.
Killface: Oh, that guy!
Xander: Yeah. [Laughs] ChickParm does that to blind people all the time.
Killface: Oh, I hate them!
Xander: Yeah, my girlfriend even did a thing on the news about it-
Killface: Is your girlfriend on the news?
Xander: My... what?
Killface: Grace Ryan? Wait a minute. Who are you? Shhhhh. You smell that? I smell crickets.
Xander: We should go to your house.
Killface: Yes, let's go to my house. Take naps. And y... what's your name? I don't even know your name.
Xander: Um... uh... mmm... Barnaby Jones.
Killface: [Beat] Barnaby Jones!
Xander: Yeah.
Killface: [Singing] People, let me tell ya 'bout my new best friend, Barnaby Jones! [Long pause] ...Nap.

Killface: Three quick ones, on three...one...
Xander: Wait, why do you get to count?
Killface: God, all right, you count!
Xander: All I'm asking. One...
Killface: Oh, my God!
Xander: Damn it!
Killface: The Edge! Tony Hopkins, Alec Baldwin, Elle Macpherson, black guy from Oz, whacking great bear, The Edge. Why aren't you counting?

(Cameraman's Phone): Ca-at Par-taay...
Camerman: Don't freak out. I'm turning it off.
Killface: Oh, my God. Is that "Cat Party"?
Cameraman: Yeah, the ringtone?
Killface: Here, put it on mine, please.
Cameraman: Has it got Bluetube on it?
Killface: No, you big, sloppy man. I just want "Cat Party."
Cameraman: No, Bluetube is-
Killface: Tell him to give me "Cat Party" or it's going to be talon party. At your face's house.

X-Tacle #1: Oh My God I'm so friggin' sad!
Nearl: Yes! Here you go. [Hands X-Tacle a tissue]
X-Tacle #1: I'll take it thank you.
Nearl: But life in the hospital was a Picnic compared to Life on the Mean streets of...Town...
[Flashback]:
Nearl: ...But I want to stay forever living in the Hospital with you Mr. Ford!
Mr. Ford: Hospital closed Nearl.
Nearl: Uh Oh!
Mr. Ford: Now I gotta go and work in a damn Pet Store.
Nearl: I'd like that!
Mr. Ford: [Ignoring him] And you can thank Ron Reagan's ass for that! (He drives away)
Nearl: Thank you, Ronald Reagan. (Pauses to think) Your legacy is intact.
[Flashback Ends]:
Nearl: But thanks to you and your mysterious brain chemical, we shall savor the sweet nectar of revenge as we rise up, as one man, and DESTROY MY BROTHER, XANDER CREW--[Ronnie shoots Nearl in the head] Thanks, Ken! [Nearl falls over]
X-tacle #1: Ronnie!
Ronnie: What?
X-tacle #1: What is wrong with you!?
Ronnie: Hey, what? I do you favor.
X-tacle #1: This is why we can't have nice things! Thank you, Ronnie!
Ronnie: Look this is complicated enough without all this evil twin bullsh*t having.
X-tacle #1: You know, that is... actually, that's a pretty good point.
X-tacle #2: Good for you, Ronnie.
X-tacle #1: Yeah, it's complicated.
X-tacle #3: So, if Xander Crews really is Awesome X, then where is he?
[a fellow slave has given Killface a radish]

Awesome X: Just a damn minute, Mr. man, are you even Asian?
[Mao wipes away glasses and fake eyebrows]
Mao: Yeah, see, I kinda got this minority business loan.
[X-tacles cock and point guns at Mao]
Awesome X: Those loans are for non-threatening educated women of color.
Xtacle #1: Yeah, like maybe she wants to go into real estate.
Xtacle #2: Or maybe open up a beauty salon.
Xander: Screw it, shoot him.
Mao: Hey. Hey, whoa. Can't we work something out here. [slips him a postcard]
Xander: More. More. More, like a whole box more. And the villabouts of the whereain Kelly.
Xtacle #1: Whereabouts of the villain killface.
Xander: Did I say the villabouts of the whereain Kelly?
Xtacle #1: Yeah
Xander: 'Cause I've been doing that a lot lately. I wonder if it's a tumor.
Xtacle #1: I know a good cancer doctor.

Brent: [to Killface] You fucking kidnap us, right, you drag us up here, ya shit on every strategy we come up with - and by the way, that web promotion was tiiiiiight, but the bottom line is, you don't have the fucking budget to run with the big dogs! Now, do you! (begins making barking noises).
Killface: [scoffs] Are you finished?
Brent: Yeah. Yeah, I'm sorry
[Kills Brent the same way he killed Trent]
Killface: Look, Trent. I've made you a playmate. Say "Hello". Good lad.

Torpedo Vegas: He's like a kid in a candy shop, and that candy is... success. And I'm that friendly man at this cash register with a handle bar mustache *chuckles*
Xander Crews/Barnaby Jones: What?
Killface: I think I'm missing the key reference.
Torpedo Vegas: I can't have people sneaking in here leaking dooky water on my rugs. That's unacceptable.
Xander Crews/Barnaby Jones: I HAVE PATTY HEARST SYNDROME!
Killface: Barnaby just-
Torpedo Vegas: I'm getting furious at you, you don't even have any pants on.
Xander Crews/Barnaby Jones: Neither does he!
Torpedo Vegas: Well he doesn't have a penis! As far as I can tell...
Killface: I - uh -
Xander Crews / Barnaby Jones: Yeah, what is the story on that?
Killface: Oh, like you can talk.
Xander Crews: Hey, my penis fills an entire tall-boy.
[Quick cut to Xander, as Awesome X, dancing in front of the X-ticles, naked except for a beercan covering his groin and shouting "Master Cylinder!" through a megaphone. Cut back to Torpedo Jones' lair]
Torpedo Jones: [Scoffing] I'm sure it doesn't fill it.

Carter: Immigration--why not have a massive pedestrian overpass to Canada?
[TV shuts off]
Xander: Man, I was gonna do a pedestrian overpass to Canada. I was gonna call it the "Spicspan."

Awesome X: [flying through air with Ronnie on his back] Quit grinding your fucking dick on me!
Ronnie: I cannot find comfort.
Awesome X: How about finding Killface's house?
Ronnie: Okay, but first, guess what.
Awesome X: What?
Ronnie: I feel like hobbit...on eagle.
Awesome X: Well, that's great, Ronnie...
Ronnie: Oh, Bilbo Baggins.
Awesome X: [fuel gauge on wrist reads empty] ...because now you guess what. [Both plummet to ground]

(Xander's Phone): Ca-at Par-taay...
Xander: Hang on. Go time.
Killface: "Cat Party." "Welcome to five months ago!"
Xander: Welcome to "shut up, I'm on the phone"!
Killface: I'm down with "Dog Party" now.
(Killface's Phone): Do-og Par-taay...

[Xander, as Awesome-X, has a conversation with the Xtacles.]
Xander: ...but the Crew Company funds the entire Awesome X operation. So, you know, take it up with Xander Crews.
Xtacle #1: Let's kill that son of a bitch!
Xtacles: Yeah!
Xander: No, no, let's don't--he's a good guy. We don't kill good guys. We kill bad guys, come on. It's in our charter
Xtacle #1: So, what's up with our 401(k)?
[Xander just turns his head and groans]
Xtacle #2: What--that's my nest egg! We're still gonna have health insurance, right?
Xtacle #1: Oh my God! Health insurance, I need that.
[Xander just clears his throat]
Xtacles: What?!
Xtacle #3: Are we at least eligible for COBRA?
Xander: What, the little... the G. I. Joe dolls?
Xtacle #2: No, not the G. I. Joe dolls.

Antagone: Unhand it or suffer my wrath.
Killface: Now see here, woman. If anyone's wrath is going to be suffered, it's mine.
Antagone: It's not wise to antagonize Antagone!
Killface: I'm sorry, Auntie who?
Antagone: Antagone!
Killface: Was "Betty Bug Lady" already taken?

Doctor: So listen. I can't give you an okay to...
Xander: Stand those pants up.
Doctor: ...go battle a cadre of supervillains on top of a giant doomsday device.
Xander: Well, not with that attitude!
Doctor: Remember when Killface punched you with a penguin at the Haggar Pants Presidential Debate (Turns on X-ray of Xander's spine)
Xander: Uh, vaguely, yeah.
Doctor: Well, that cracked your C3 and C4 vertebrae, so... you ever see Hooper?
Xander: Yeah, that robot with the big tits!
Doctor: No, but that sounds awesome.
Xander: It is!
Doctor: I meant the Burt Reynolds movie where he's a hard-living stuntman.
Xander: That sounds awesome.
Doctor: It is. Anyway, one more impact to the neck, and you'll be paralyzed.
Xander: My third-greatest fear!
Doctor: Same basic plot as in the movie.
Xander: God, that sounds awesome.
Doctor: It is.
Xander: But who's gonna stop Hooper?
Doctor: Well, it's already out on DVD.
Xander: No, I mean the robot with the big tits.
Doctor: Really sounds awesome.
Xander: It is.
Doctor: Anyway...
(Wendell, dressed in Awesome X top, delivers a flying kick to the Doctor)
Wendell: I actually have some thoughts on that.
Doctor: Oh my God, now my neck's broken!