Harold: I had a friend who used to smoke. Know what he's doing now? He's dead. You think smoking looks cool, let's go dig him up and see how cool he looks now.
[Later at dinner]
Harold: You know, there was a girl in our school... and she had premarital sex. Know what she did on her graduation day? Died! Of a heroin overdose!
Sam: Dad? Are any of your friends alive?
Harold: The smart ones.

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