Father Dougal: Ted do you believe in the afterlife?
Father Ted: Well generally priests have a very strong belief in the afterlife.
Father Dougal: Ooh I wish I had your faith Ted!
Father Ted: Dougal, how did you get into the church? Was it like, "Collect twelve crisp packets and become a priest"?

Father Dougal: There's nothing stupid about football! And there's nothing at all stupid about the Annual All-Priests Five-a-Side over 75s Indoor Football Challenge Match, against Rugged Island.

Father Dougal: They have horse riding as well. I remember I did it last year. Well it wasn't really a horse, it was actually this oul fella. He couldn't go very fast so I had to hit him with the whip a few times.
Father Ted: How old was he?
Father Dougal: I'd say he was about 80.
Father Ted: And how long were you up on him?
Father Dougal: About an hour?
Father Ted: So you were up on an 80-year-old man's back for 60 minutes, whipping him around the place. Do you realise that image will stay with me for the rest of my life?

Father Dougal: Will I put on the kettle?
Father Ted: Go on then.
Father Dougal: ...must be one of those ones that clicks off automatically.
Father Ted: Mmm...bit of steam there. Incidentally, did you bring any teabags?
Father Dougal: ...no.

Father Dougal: You know the way he's got big floppy ears flopping all over the place?
Father Ted: Yes?
Father Dougal: Why don't we call him Father Jack Hackett?
Father Jack: What?
Father Ted: Oh, nothing, Father. Dougal's decided to name his new pet rabbit after you.
Father Jack: What?
Father Ted: Dougal this is far too confusing! Can you not come up with a better name?
Father Dougal: Ah Ted I've got used to calling him Father Jack now! Can we not call Jack something else?
Father Ted: [exasperated] Flipper! Flipper the Priest!
Father Jack: Yes!
Father Dougal: I think Father Jack wants a drink.
Father Jack: Yes!
Father Ted: Right, get him some water.
Father Jack: Water? Feck!

Father Dougal:(Looking out the Window)I'm no good at judging the size of crowds,but i'd say theres around seventeen million of them out there

Father Dougal:Kettle's boiled there Ted.
Father Ted: Mmm.
Father Dougal: Will I put more water in and turn it on again?
Father Ted: No... I liked it best the first time.

Father Dougal:You're not scared of the dark,are you?It's only cause the sun goes...and...its got something to do with clouds

Father Fintan Stack: I want to listen to some music.
Father Ted: Oh, go right ahead.
Father Stack: I wasn't asking for permission.

Father Fintan Stack: What are we watching?
Father Ken Dillon: We're looking at the sports day.
Father Fintan Stack: Lots of young fellas running around in shorts? That's the kind of thing you like looking at. (Turns to Father Shanahan) And I'll bet you like that too. You're probably imagining what they'd look like without shorts. You're sitting there, imagining that, with a big smile on your face. Ya dirty fecker!
Father Ted: Father Stack, if you're trying to embarass us, you're not succeeding.
Father Stack: Yes I am.
Father Rory Shanahan: Well I have to say, I think that you're a very rude man.
Father Stack: If you ever say that to me again, I'll put your head through the wall.
(Door swings open, sound of beer cans being kicked. Dougal is very obviously drunk)
Father Ted: Dougal, where did you go to?
Dougal: Ted, how are ya!
Father Ted: (Dougal hugs Ted, Ted resists) Dougal, what the...
Dougal: Guess what, Ted?
Father Ted: What?
Dougal:(confused) What?
Father Ted: Dougal! Have you been drinking?
Dougal: I have, Ted! I've been drinking like a mad eejit! No, no, oh wait! (gives a drawn-out wink to Father Stack) No I haven't!
Father Ted: Dougal, I'm ashamed of you.
Dougal: (shakes Ted) Ted, Ted, Teddy, Ted, Ted. Come here Teddy, Teddy, Ted, Ted, you're my best friend. God I love being a priest. We're all going to heaven lads, waheyy.
Father Stack: Perhaps I should explain, your little friend and I were enjoying ourselves with a bottle of whiskey I found upstairs.
Father Ted: Oh, well, that is the last straw.
Dougal: I'm driving! I'm driving home, I'm perfectly capable... (passes out. Fintan picks up the car keys)
Father Stack: Oh, by the way. I got the keys to your car, and I drove it into a big wall. If you don't like it, tough! (uses key to clean out his ear) I had my fun, and that's all that matters.
Dougal: I can see up your trousers, Ted!
Father Ted: Right, well that's it. I thought giving alcohol to Dougal was the last straw, but I was obviously wrong as this is definitely the last bit of straw left in the thing. Basically what I'm saying is... there's no more straw left!
Father Shanahan: Ted, it's getting a little late.
Father Dillon: Yes, I really think we should go.
Father Ted: No, you don't have to go.
Father Shanahan: I think we should.
Father Stack: (leers at the two priests as they exit) Woooh! Bye girls, pair of wankers.
Father Ted: Oh right, that's it. Come on Dougall, I think we've had quite enough of Father Stack's company for one evening.
Dougal: To the pub, Ted.

Father Jack [sees Sister Assumpta]: Nan!
Father Ted: No, Father this is a nun.
Father Jack [Terrified]: Nun! [screams and runs out the window]
Father Ted: [Waves] Bye, Father! He's just out for his walk...

Father Jack: (After sobering up) (pointing at various items in the room) Chair! Curtains! Floor! (points at Father Ted) Gobshite!

Father Jack: (After sobering up) Hey! Hey, you there! What the hell is this? (holds up a spoon)

Father Jack: (having sobered up) Where are the other two?
Father Ted: "Other two?" Oh, the old vision's back to normal. No, it's just us Father.
Father Jack: And what do you two do?
Father Ted: Well, we're priests.
Father Jack: What? Priests? Don't tell me I'm still on that feckin' island!
Father Ted: How are you feeling, Father? It must be great to be sober every once in a while. Or... every twelve years.

Father Jack: (as Dougal wheels him on his chair with Mrs Doyle holding the door) Nuns! NUNS! Reverse! Reverse! Reverse! Reverse!