My grandmother cleaned out her attic. Guess what she found?
Your grandfather.
No, he doesn't go in the attic.
S8 E8For Real Men Only
S8 E9Two Girls for Every Boyd
Now this customer stuff is gonna be great. You know usually I'm so busy working, I miss out on all the witty conversations that go on around here.
[On the other side of the bar]
Norm, you seem to have a little cheese doodle dust in the corner there.
I didn't have any cheese doodles.
Last night you did.
I did? [licks lips] Wow that stuff really keeps, doesn't it?
[about his beard] So you really think it looks sexy, huh?
Oh yes, Yasser Arafat always makes me hot!
S8 E10The Art of the Steal
I want you to tell me straight. How good are your kids at breaking and entering anyway? And do not brag about them just because you're their mother.
Well that depends, what kind of system are we talking about here?
It's a Triton 5000 Sonic with laser beams.
They're not that good. But feel free to call if you're ever trapped in a late model car. They'll have you and the radio out in 60 seconds.
What is it with people nowadays? When I was a kid we used to keep our door unlocked all the time. We used to get ripped off a lot but we could at least get out of the damn house.
S8 E11Feeble Attraction
Hey, Mr. Peterson, Jack Frost nipping at your nose?
Yep, now let's get Joe Beer nipping at my liver, huh?
DDoris
Cliff, when you get out of the service, could we go out together?
You know Doris, there's actually no rule against mailmen dating women. It just sort of turns out that way.
S8 E12Sam Ahoy
We no longer think of ourselves as three individuals. We are three parts of the same machine, working together. Three people with one single purpose.
Not to drown.
All right, two single purposes; not to drown and win the race.
What about you know not getting all wet and getting all sick?
All right three single purposes.
How about buying the bar back?
Does anyone have a piece of paper?
[Sam enters wearing a suit]
Sammy, blind me with you beauty. What's with the fashion statement?
I had to look good. I had a meeting over at the corporation about buying Cheers.
How'd it go?
I talked them into it. They're going to sell me the bar back. [Everyone cheers] I'm not out of the woods yet. I've got to raise a little bit more capital. I have to find myself a few investors. [Frasier, Norm, and the ride side of the bar move away] No not you. I'm talking about people with real money.
What's the matter, Sam? Our money's not good enough for you?
That's right.
Okay, for a second there I was offended.
S8 E13Sammy and the Professor
Hey teach, I'm Carla LeBec. Listen I got this business problem. I'm being audited by the IRS and I'm a little scared.
AAlice
Well don't be. The IRS auditors aren't inherently evil monsters and sadists. They're people just like you.
Boy I'm in worse trouble than I thought.
It looks like you'll have to bury the auditor in paperwork. Get your hands on all your receipts, if you don't have them, make them up
That's illegal
Okay, if you don't wanna...
No, the kids will love it! We'll make it a family project!
S8 E14What is... Cliff Clavin?
And here are the categories for you, "Civil Servants", "Stamps From Around The World", "Mothers And Sons", "Beer", "Bar Trivia", and finally, "Celibacy".
Man, this has to be Mr. Clavin's dream board.
Sure. He's home free as long as he doesn't get too cocky.
Cliff, can I get you to pick a category and an amount?
Why don't you go ahead and pick any one you want? I mean, I am feeling lucky today! Woah!
Uh oh.
And it takes us to Cliff. Cliff, good news for you. Both of your opponents came up with incorrect responses, and what that means is that even if you're wrong, and as long as you didn't do anything foolish, like wager everything, you're a cinch winner.
Well then, we don't have to see my answer, do we, Alex? [Places his jacket over his monitor.] I will see you at the Tournament of Champions.
[Taking the jacket from Cliff's monitor.] Cliff, we're running out of time, and we are gonna have to take a look at your response. You wrote down... "Who are three people who've never been in my kitchen?" No, I'm sorry, that too is wrong. The correct response is "Who are the real names of Cary Grant, Tony Curtis, and Joan Crawford?"
Well, be that as it may, Alex, those people have never been in my kitchen.
Well, I'm sure they haven't. But obviously that's not what we were going for when we wrote up that clue.
Obvious to who?
Cliff, it's all right. You don't have to worry. Unless you risked more than $21,600, you will be the new Jeopardy! champion. So let's take a look and see what your wager was. You bet... 22,000 Big Ones! Takes you down to $0. You bet it all. Cliff, why would you do something like that?
It's because I knew that those people have never been in my kitchen! You can ask them, come on! Tony Curtis is still alive! Get them on the phone. Go ahead! I'll pay for the call.
It isn't gonna work Cliff, sorry. Agnes, $400 isn't a big total, but today, that is gonna make you Jeopardy! champion. Congratulations.
No, she's not! I'm the champion! I answered all those questions. You saw me America!
Come on, let's leave now, nobody will know we were with him. [Woody and Norm leave from the audience]
Tony Curtis, if you're out there and you can hear me, call in and I'll split the pot with you! Oh for crying out loud, look at. Any mail carriers out there?
You know it's a funny thing. You spend years hosting a show and you get into the habit of thinking there's just one correct question for every answer. But life doesn't always work out that way. The world is much more complex and you discover many different ways of looking at the universe.
Yeah, so what are you going to do?
I think I'm going to quit my job as host of "Jeopardy!" Maybe spend a little time in Tibet.
Oh no Alex, just sit down here. I mean you don't know what you're saying.
Wait a minute, how can I go on hosting the program if I'm filled with all these doubts?
Alright Alex, think about what "Jeopardy!" means to America. It's more than just a game show. I mean, it's as much of the part of national fabric as the postal uniform I wear with pride every single day.
So you think I should stay as host of "Jeopardy!"?
Absolutely.
And you won't bear me any ill will if I do?
Oh, bite your tongue!
All right, it's settled. I'm going to stay as the host of "Jeopardy!"
Oh thank goodness Alex! Hey, hey, you hear that everybody? I saved "Jeopardy!" I'm going to go call Ma, she'll get a big kick out of this!
Hey Alex, that's alright, you're a regular guy. Coming in here to make Cliff feel better. That's great.
I just came in here for a beer but I saw Cliff and I figured I better say something so I made up that story about quitting. He scares me.
You too, huh?
S8 E15Finally!: Part 1
Do me one favor, will ya.
Sure, what is it?
Go to bed with me.
Oh Sam, you never stop.
I'm sorry. It's in my genes.
That's where it's gonna stay.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Cheers pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.