American Dad! quotes
527 total quotes[Francine pulls up]
Francine: Sorry things didn't work out with your new roommate, Roger.
Roger: I tell you, it's a cruel, cruel world out here. Did you know I saw a man beat down another man today for a sandwich? A sandwich, Francine. [shows a sub] This sandwich. [eats it] I wish I could just come home.
Francine: So come home. We want you there.
Roger: Stan doesn't. As far as he's concerned, the only reason I was living there was the life debt he owed me. And now it's repayed.
Francine: Forget about the life debt. Stan's too proud to admit he misses you, but I know he does. Hey! What if you offered to pay rent? Then Stan would have a perfect excuse to take you back.
Roger: You know, that could actually work. I don't mind paying a little rent. All right, I'm coming home! [throws the sub at a pedestrian] Hi, kids.
(Roger meets Andy Dick)
Francine: Sorry things didn't work out with your new roommate, Roger.
Roger: I tell you, it's a cruel, cruel world out here. Did you know I saw a man beat down another man today for a sandwich? A sandwich, Francine. [shows a sub] This sandwich. [eats it] I wish I could just come home.
Francine: So come home. We want you there.
Roger: Stan doesn't. As far as he's concerned, the only reason I was living there was the life debt he owed me. And now it's repayed.
Francine: Forget about the life debt. Stan's too proud to admit he misses you, but I know he does. Hey! What if you offered to pay rent? Then Stan would have a perfect excuse to take you back.
Roger: You know, that could actually work. I don't mind paying a little rent. All right, I'm coming home! [throws the sub at a pedestrian] Hi, kids.
(Roger meets Andy Dick)
Barry: Hey, Steve. Somebody left this on your front porch. (gives Steve the doormat)
Stan: Great, it's the fat one.
Steve: That's a doormat, Barry.
Barry: Who's Matt Barry?
Stan: God, I hate you so much!
Steve: Mom, can Barry stay for dinner?
Francine: If it's okay with his parents.
Barry: Oh, they won't care. They never care.
Stan: Good people. My kind of people.
(Barry's watch beeps)
Barry: Oh, time to take my vitamin. May I have a glass of water?
Stan: Fatty can use the garden hose!
Stan: Great, it's the fat one.
Steve: That's a doormat, Barry.
Barry: Who's Matt Barry?
Stan: God, I hate you so much!
Steve: Mom, can Barry stay for dinner?
Francine: If it's okay with his parents.
Barry: Oh, they won't care. They never care.
Stan: Good people. My kind of people.
(Barry's watch beeps)
Barry: Oh, time to take my vitamin. May I have a glass of water?
Stan: Fatty can use the garden hose!
Roger (to himself): Okay, Steve. Let's see how special you're gonna feel when some crack-whore throws you off her front porch!
Bad Larry: I'm glad to be your first. And I...shall become...more powerful...THAN YOU COULD POSSIBLY IMAGINE! [dies]
Stan: What did he mean by that?
Roger: Eh, who cares, he's dead.
Ray: [gives Stan a corn-dog] I know it's just a corn-dog, but you'll never forget it. [exits as Stan eats the corn-dog, then reappears in the background] Where'd I park my car?
Stan: What did he mean by that?
Roger: Eh, who cares, he's dead.
Ray: [gives Stan a corn-dog] I know it's just a corn-dog, but you'll never forget it. [exits as Stan eats the corn-dog, then reappears in the background] Where'd I park my car?
Roger: You're gonna to roast each other. And your zingers better be mean. If you try any weak sauce, I'm gonna give you such a zots. [With a remote, he buzzes Stan] Now, Stan, roast Hayley. [Zots!] You feel that zots?!
Stan: Uh, Hayley, you're not very smart and you smoke a lot of pot.
Roger: [another buzz] Zots!
Stan: Uh, okay. Hayley, I secretly wish you were Benjamin Button, and you were aging backwards, and your life was almost over.
Roger: [laughing with Klaus] Oh, yeah! Insults in the form of jokes. So how's it feel, Hayley? Not too bueno, I bet. Now you do Steve.
Hayley: Steve, you will never get laid. There is nothing attractive about you. You have the sex appeal of the cancer ward in a pediatric hospital.
Klaus: [laughing] Oh!
Roger: Hayley coming in with a groaner. Nice. Okay, Steve, let's see you give it to your mama.
Steve: Mom, you are not smart. I don't tell "yo mama's so dumb" jokes. I tell "my mama's so dumb" jokes. Example: my mama's so dumb, I don't tell "yo mama's so dumb" jokes. I tell "my mama's so dumb" jokes.
Roger: I love it. Francine, take the pain and throw it right at Stan. Do it!
Francine: Stan, you have the undeserved ego of Jeremy Piven, the annoying self-righteousness of Sean Penn, and the unbearable hypocrisy of Rush Limbaugh. What I'm trying to say is, you're almost as bad a person as Rachael Ray.
Stan: Uh, Hayley, you're not very smart and you smoke a lot of pot.
Roger: [another buzz] Zots!
Stan: Uh, okay. Hayley, I secretly wish you were Benjamin Button, and you were aging backwards, and your life was almost over.
Roger: [laughing with Klaus] Oh, yeah! Insults in the form of jokes. So how's it feel, Hayley? Not too bueno, I bet. Now you do Steve.
Hayley: Steve, you will never get laid. There is nothing attractive about you. You have the sex appeal of the cancer ward in a pediatric hospital.
Klaus: [laughing] Oh!
Roger: Hayley coming in with a groaner. Nice. Okay, Steve, let's see you give it to your mama.
Steve: Mom, you are not smart. I don't tell "yo mama's so dumb" jokes. I tell "my mama's so dumb" jokes. Example: my mama's so dumb, I don't tell "yo mama's so dumb" jokes. I tell "my mama's so dumb" jokes.
Roger: I love it. Francine, take the pain and throw it right at Stan. Do it!
Francine: Stan, you have the undeserved ego of Jeremy Piven, the annoying self-righteousness of Sean Penn, and the unbearable hypocrisy of Rush Limbaugh. What I'm trying to say is, you're almost as bad a person as Rachael Ray.
Avery Bullock: Dick, I believe you're up.
Dick: I don't have anything for show and tell. I just found out I have liver cancer.
Avery Bullock: I'm giving you a zero for the day.
Dick: I don't have anything for show and tell. I just found out I have liver cancer.
Avery Bullock: I'm giving you a zero for the day.
Barry: Stan, can we stop by church on the way to breakfast? Before I take my first sip of O.J., I like to take a big gulp of Jesus.
Avery Bullock: Once again, C.I.A. body-doubles are for work purposes ONLY, people. Using your double to finish making love to a Jet Blue stewardess - because you were too drunk - is a definite no-no! [Glances at Saunders] Saunders...
Saunders: Did you blab? Why'd you tell people?
Saunders' Double: C'mon, it was my first sloppy seconds!
(Stan's Phone Rings)
Stan: Hello?
Francine (V.O.): Stan! Hayley and Jeff broke up!
Stan: So? She breaks up with Jeff at least every other week.
Francine (V.O.): You don't understand! This time, he broke up with her.
Saunders: Did you blab? Why'd you tell people?
Saunders' Double: C'mon, it was my first sloppy seconds!
(Stan's Phone Rings)
Stan: Hello?
Francine (V.O.): Stan! Hayley and Jeff broke up!
Stan: So? She breaks up with Jeff at least every other week.
Francine (V.O.): You don't understand! This time, he broke up with her.
Barry: Thanks for driving me home, Mr. Smith. We're going faster than people.
Stan: Quiet, fatty fat-fat fatty!
Stan: Quiet, fatty fat-fat fatty!
'[Stan finds Roger in the bathroom beaten, shaking and drinking coffee.]
Roger: I got beat up by a taco!
Roger: I got beat up by a taco!
Avery Bullock: Our Alien Task Force clearly needs some rejiggering. Ray, you're no longer in charge.
Ray: Of what?
Avery Bullock: The Alien Task Force.
Ray: What the hell's that?
Avery Bullock: The task force you've been in charge of!
Ray: Oh. How did I do?
Ray: Of what?
Avery Bullock: The Alien Task Force.
Ray: What the hell's that?
Avery Bullock: The task force you've been in charge of!
Ray: Oh. How did I do?
Barry: [beating up Steve] Let's kill his parents next. Let's kill them all.
(A crying Francine is being comforted by Roger's entourage of skanks)
(A crying Francine is being comforted by Roger's entourage of skanks)
Avery Bullock: I need a new team leader.
Jackson: Sir, I'm your man. I will not rest until the alien and all his accomplices are brought to just...
Stan: [to Bullock; pointing at Jackson] He told me he hates you.
Avery Bullock: What? Jackson, is this true?
Jackson: ...Yes.
Avery Bullock: Get out of my sight! Smith, how do you feel about me?
Stan: You're okay, I guess.
Avery Bullock: Good, then you're the man for this job.
Jackson: Sir, I'm your man. I will not rest until the alien and all his accomplices are brought to just...
Stan: [to Bullock; pointing at Jackson] He told me he hates you.
Avery Bullock: What? Jackson, is this true?
Jackson: ...Yes.
Avery Bullock: Get out of my sight! Smith, how do you feel about me?
Stan: You're okay, I guess.
Avery Bullock: Good, then you're the man for this job.