C.C.: I've been going crazy the last few days thinking about our night together. How you wanted to brush my hair as foreplay. How you made me that Western omelet at 4 a.m. I've never met anyone like you, Jack.
Jack: Be with me, C.C. We'll ignore our differences 'til the sex goes bad then we'll walk away bitter and angry.
C.C.: Nobody can know we're together. Not even your friend Tracy Jordan out there.
Jack: I don't think you have to worry about Tracy.
Tracy: Stop eating people's old French fries, pigeon; have some self respect! Don't you know you can fly?

German: The machine is mankind's madness and disfigurement. Industry castrates art. The only honesty is in suicide.
Jack: I can't watch any more of these German sitcoms!

Jack: [about C.C.] She is my lover. That's right. She's my liberal, hippy-dippy mama; my groovy chick; my old lady. She was our chief adversary during the Sheinhardt Wig hearings. She wants to tax us all to death and make it legal for a man to marry his own dog. But I think what we have is special, and I'm proud of her. And I'm not going to hide it any longer. I'm Jack Donaghy, damn it! And this is my woman.
[Others begin confessing their secrets.]
Man #1: I gave to NPR last year.
Woman: My children go to public school.
Man #2: I'm gay.
Man #3: I'm black.
C.C.: Jack, thank you so much. And I just wanted you to know that in 1984 I voted for Ronald Reagan.
Man #1: I murdered my wife.

Jack: [as water pours from the ceiling] The ceiling appears to be leaking.
Cooter: No, it's not. We looked into it and it's not.

Jack: All of my summer replacement shows were big hits - America's Next Top Pirate, Are You Stronger Than A Dog, MILF Island.
Liz: MILF Island?
Jack: 25 super hot moms, 50 eighth grade boys, no rules.
Liz: Oh yeah, didn't one of those women turn out to be a prostitute?
Jack: That doesn't mean she's not a wonderful, caring MILF.

Jack: And Deborah is testing off the charts in the most profitable demographics: Soccer moms, NASCAR dads, white collar pervs and the obese.

Jack: I even stopped to catch a snowflake with my tongue, but apparently that's some signal in Chelsea.

Jack: I just need him awake for a few minutes, can't you... inject something directly into his heart?
Dr. Spaceman: Oh, I'd like nothing better. Unfortunately, we have no way of knowing where the heart is. See, every human is different.

Jack: Lemon, I'm impressed. You're beginning to think like a businessman.
Liz: A businesswoman.
Jack: I don't think that's a word.

Jack: Lemon, what happened? Did you take an Ambien with your Franzia and sleepwalk here?

Jack: Look how Greenzo's testing! They love him in every demographic: colored people, broads, fairies, commies. Gosh, we gotta update these forms.

Jack: Mother, there are terrorist cells that are more nurturing than you are.

Jack: Never go with a hippie to a second location.

Jack: So what are you gonna do with your money? Put it into a 401(k)?
Liz: Yeah, I gotta get one of those.
Jack: What?! Where do you invest your money, Lemon?
Liz: I've got like twelve grand in checking.
Jack: Are you an immigrant?

Jack: The stutter got so bad I was taken out of my grade and put in the special class, held in the boiler room. My only other classmate was named Gilly. He'd fallen though the ice as a child and was technically dead for 57 minutes. They taught us to sweep sawdust so we could find work at a mill. Of course I overcame the stutter in three languages. On to Princeton, Harvard, the top of the business world. I thought I blocked this out, but a thing like this brings back emotions.
Liz: I'm so sorry.
Jack: I feel like I'm back in that boiler room, making little piles of sawdust while Gilly plays with himself in the corner...